My Five Stages

They say there are 5 stages of grief; well I’ve lived through each with you. Bliss didn’t stay because you chose to walk away. All I was left with were these 5 steps which I have finally found a way to express adequately… good old music. I guess it’s true what they say: there’s a song for everything you feel. 

1. Denial
Now and then I think of when we were together. Like when you said you felt so happy you could die. Told myself that you were right for me…


(Somebody that I used to know- Gotye)

I had terribly enjoyed each moment with you. Spending time with you made me happy and I’d be in awe of the person I kept discovering.  Maybe all that glitters truly isn’t gold because that happiness would fade soon after you left. I always came up with reasons and excuses as to why your silence kept growing. Eventually, I ran out of them. I still tried to justify everything because I didn’t want to believe the alternative.

2. Anger

I know I can’t take one more step towards you, ’cause all that’s waiting is regret. And it took so long just to feel alright, remember how to put back the light in my eyes. I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed, ‘Cause you broke all your promises… You don’t get to get me back

(Jar of hearts- Christina Perry)

Oh I was pissed when I realised that there was no reasonable explanation for your silence. No, you don’t get to treat me like that, is what I said. I even wrote a quote for it: 

“You don’t just get to discard me when you please and pick me again at your convenience.”

And like Christina sings, yes, you don’t get to get me back.

3. Bargaining

Say something, I’m giving up on you. I’ll be the one if you want me to. Anywhere I would’ve followed you. Say something, I’m giving up on you

(A Great Big World – Say Something Lyrics)

Then I’d remember why I really liked you and I’d want to try salvage the situation. I’d decide to be the better person and reach out. Basically, anything to get back to conversations like we used to have and to take things back to those beautiful moments.

4. Depression
 
Don’t leave me in all this pain. Don’t leave me out in the rain. Come back and bring back my smile. Come and take these tears away. I need your arms to hold me now. The nights are so unkind. Bring back those nights when I held you beside me. Un-break my heart, Say you’ll love me again. Undo this hurt you caused, When you walked out the door, And walked out of my life. Un-cry these tears, I cried so many nights. Un-break my heart

(Toni Braxton- Unbreak My heart)

Oh the pain! The number of times I’d reminisce and want to cry. Tears were elusive but that pain was tangible. I began asking myself if you changed your mind or maybe you lied right from the start. I couldn’t reconcile the promises you made and affections you showed, with how you were acting. It would hurt if you changed your mind but it would break me more if I discovered you were lying all along because that’s not the kind of person you’d be. Maybe I’m just not as good a judge of character as I assume.

5. Acceptance

But you didn’t have to cut me off, Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing… But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough, but I don’t wanna live that way, reading into every word you say…

(Somebody that I used to know- Gotye)

You made me want you You made me leave you. You made me tumble and fall. But if I Can’t have you the way I want you, I don’t want you at all. Baby, I can take a lot Cause I love Everything you got… so if you got Someone else I gotta go. Oh, that you know. Yeah that’s it honey I quit I’m movin’ on…

(Adele – That’s it, I quit, I’m movin’ on (Sam Cooke) )

Yes I wish things were different. I wished that you wouldn’t have cut me off. But I can’t keep putting up with frequent silence. Yes I still think you are amazing and that you’re one person who I’d do forever after with. But despite the fact that you hold probably 80% of what I desire, that 20% missing includes communication, which for me is practically everything. 
So yes, if I can’t have you the way I want you then I don’t want you at all. Yeah that’s it honey, I quit I’m movin’ on. 


PS: I know we have plenty of Christian love songs; but y’all don’t do break up songs?? I need options people 😉 

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All… Most… Almost

It’s amazing how easy it is to know these days. One or two interactions and it’s easy to know if someone is what I’d want or not. Two or three interactions and my eyes opened to the fact that you were all I’d been searching for. 

I’m yet to understand how one person can be the culmination of everything I dreamt of. How similar thought patterns can be. How things that made me peculiar were perfectly normal with you. How experiences I went through shaped me to be a person who easily blends with the person you are. How every bit of what I saw as imperfection were the very strokes the Master used to create a masterpiece you loved. 

Well, loved, is my assumption based on your words and actions. In actual sense, you uttered those 3 magical words that hearts worldwide dance to. My own heart fluttered when I heard them. I think it even stopped for a moment. I was scared at that moment. Maybe scared blows up the magnitude of what I truly felt. But yes, I didn’t know what to say; afraid I wouldn’t fully mean it if I said those words to you. 

Love is sacred and it’s a huge responsibility; it’s not something I take lightly. It felt like a beautiful privilege to be the object of your affections in that manner… but I didn’t want to make cheap promises. I’d want to give you everything that love comes with.

Love is a choice and commitment. You said it yourself. And yes I recall that too clearly because those words captivated me as you expressed them. See a girl like me, strongly believes in the same. I wouldn’t hesitate even the slightest bit, to utter those three magical words if I was certain of commitment. 

But my all, turned out to be my most. I came alive to the fact that like most of us, you aren’t perfect (and shouldn’t be). You ticked most of the boxes, just not all. I am okay with that. I had no problem dealing with any shortcomings. I get how cocoons are easy to get used to. 

Well, that was until I grew tired of having to come up with excuses. Unreplied messages were simply because of endless meetings. Missed calls that were never returned was because you’d get home exhausted. Those “seen” messages on social media must have come when you were distracted… I’d keep seeing you active/online and ran out of excuses to explain away the reason my messages and calls remained ignored. 

My heart became black and blue; taking too many hits because I cared too much. Anxiety became a companion that kept showing up since I wasn’t sure if you were safe or okay. 

However, these wounds became too many. I couldn’t take anymore pain. Yes the choice to shut that door equally hurt, but I had to choose me this time. Maybe because I’ve been there a few times and this started looking a little familiar. My heart was afraid I couldn’t survive such pain; I can’t go through that again.

Magical words devoid of matching actions are simply ashes. They are evidence of a fire that once blazed but now they’re nothing. Just empty words… particles being blown away and scattered by this wind blowing; the wind of change. 

You were the one I almost had.

Her In Hindsight

Let me begin by saying how I’m truly proud of the person I am currently. You wouldn’t understand what big a deal this is unless you knew the lady I used to be. 

I cannot pin an exact point when it happened but all I know is that I slowly became someone I didn’t like too much. The peak of it all was last year when I finally came face to face with her, and boy did I hate her! Hate seems too mild a description… I loathed the woman I used to see. 

I don’t know who or what robbed me of the joy I used to have. I grew up a very happy-go-lucky kinda girl. Somewhere along the way I realised the world didn’t like me as much as I loved it and that slowly killed me. I didn’t know what to do with dislike for no particular reason and rejection. So I took it all in and it broke me. 

I always assumed that I took more of my mum’s introverted nature the more I grew up. I picked that as the perfect scapegoat. The depression that started coming in from my third year in campus sealed the deal. I’d do a lot more of my retreats and I’d avoid even friends I loved dearly. Locking myself up in the room became a habit. Solitude and I began our relationship. 

Along the way, the health issues became worse. Looking back, I now understand how issues with my digestive system triggered the depression that would recur. Up till now, a day without my body acting up is as rare as those blood moons. I allowed myself to be overwhelmed by everything. My life became paralyzed and I slowly started losing hope of ever having a normal productive life.

Oh and I have to mention my emotional drama! The number of times people broke my heart because of what they said, did or failed to do… goodness, I even lost count. I tend to give people all of myself as I keep believing the best of them. Of course they’d shatter my beliefs and leave me feeling disappointed. I love hard but I’ve met people who didn’t get why I would not mind going out of my way for them. I’d easily do it even for strangers because, oh well, my heart just likes doing stuff like that.

The highlight last year was my contempt for my body. I was at the highest digits I’ve ever seen on a weighing scale and I hated it. Hated how I looked, hated everything about my body. Like most of us, I assumed losing weight would be the magical cure. Now imagine my frustration when the health issues ensured that wasn’t happening (Lol, you’ve got to love life’s sense of humour).

I also remember feeling very unworthy of love. I was convinced that the type of man I wanted would never want me. It didn’t help that during that period, I ended up crushing on a friend who of course had no mutual feelings. Looking back, I am so glad he didn’t like me! I know it sounds confusing but I now really know what I’m after and things definitely wouldn’t have worked.

That being said, I love that person I was because she led me to who I am currently. To the me that prioritizes happiness. This lady that oozes joy much more than ever. To this girl who now knows how to pick better. The one who understands that perceived rejection should not be allowed to hurt her. This one who is beginning to truly believe that she’s beautiful. 

The lady that gets out of bed each day even when she doesn’t think she’d last a few minutes before crumbling. The one who keeps moving in spite of pain. She who chooses to love even when people don’t seem deserving because He who is in her models unconditional love. She who now sees when it’s her expectations placed on people that hurt her and not the people themselves. 

She lives, loves and laughs.

Dear Chocolate Fudge Cake Lover

I must admit, doing anything productive in the office today has been near impossible. Anytime I try to concentrate for long enough, my mind finds itself wandering…again. The unknown causes such anxiety, maybe they should have had live updates being given straight from that theatre to calm those of us waiting eagerly.

I’ve been trying to think of what it’s like for you and I can’t even imagine. You’ve been through enough already. I don’t know what manner of thoughts you’d require to keep yourself distracted while lying on that table. Let me just say that your strength is admirable; whether you’re well aware of it or not.

I know the only promises I could make included the chocolate fudge cake and a nice home-cooked meal someday but I have made a lot more to God, trust me. I have begged, pleaded and even made outright demands; whatever it took to ensure you’d get out fine and have a much faster recovery. Basically, I have prayed until I am out of words. I sincerely haven’t had conversations with God about anyone my entire life as much as I’ve had concerning you. Yes ever since you broke the news and long before that.

I am just one out of countless people who are busy praying and waiting; all vouching for you. Your family is probably bearing the heaviest part of this and the people who love you. You are surrounded by so much love, I hope this acted as all the evidence you ever needed.

By the time you get to read this, you’ll probably be out of hospital and life will have moved on a little. I don’t know what it’s like to have gone through what you did and I will never attempt to make any assumptions. But one thing I suspect is that those physical scars are not the only scars you’ll be carrying.

Allow yourself to go through all the motions. It’s okay to not be okay. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone and that means your healing is yours to walk through and your journey shouldn’t be rushed by anyone including yourself. It’s okay to accept help and to allow people to lavish you with love, attention and affection; their intentions shouldn’t worry you much. It’s also perfectly fine to celebrate small steps. There are things you used to do effortlessly but now are quite a task; allow yourself to celebrate each progress even when it feels like it’s not noteworthy. Slow down a little and get to enjoy each seemingly ordinary moment in life.

There’s so much more to say but I’m a bunch of nerves and the knots in my tummy are tying my words as well. See you soon, hopefully by then all this worrying would have subsided and I’ll talk better.

Do get better soon.

With lots of care & concern,

Me

Morgue Chronicles

I was at the Morgue today; 5 minutes ago to be precise. Today’s trip was different though. I wasn’t going to the cafeteria to buy food neither was I there looking for a nice spot to go pray. All I’d wanted was a nice solitary bench where I could sit alone in silence. Well not exactly in silence because my earphones was busy pumping music into my eardrums and I wasn’t alone since God was right there the entire time.

I found a bench right behind a Bus parked and close enough to the river. I must admit, the whole time I was there I kept fearing the bench would topple over and I’d end up in that river that looked more like a flowing sewage (yup, cleaning up this river in the Capital City doesn’t seem like a priority for our government). I was relieved that the bus hid me properly, I needed that privacy when the tears returned.

I sat there desperately looking for distraction but social media offered all but the social bit today. So I was forced to deal with whatever brought me there.

I looked around and it dawned on me that those people at the Lobby or hanging around cars as they waited for the bodies of their loved ones to be released, would be us people pretty soon. Suddenly their pain resonated with my pain. Yes we all experience grief in varying degrees but there it dawned on me that pain in whatever form should not be belittled. Someone else’s pain might be greater than yours; understandably so, but don’t let that keep you from mourning.

In no time the tears followed. It’s been hard holding them back today. Of course I have enough questions but I leave those ones for his family to ask; God already has enough of those coming from them and I will not disturb him with more.

There were birds around I suspect, I am sure I heard them at one point or the other when they weren’t muffled by the sounds of cars passing by and the flowing sewage… I mean river, below. I did not hear mourners at the Morgue wailing; no silence reigned today. Not because they weren’t in pain, but today, their pain was borne silently within but it shouted at those of us outside. Their silent pain was too loud to ignore.

In this morgue a variety of people meet- those doing their work hired inside, those taking care of the security outside, those running their cafeteria business, those who came looking for what the cafeteria offered; but the lot that stands out the most: those who have come to begin their final goodbye.

The one thing you won’t fail to pick from here, is how fleeting life is. Life is fragile and has no guarantees.

There were 3 sick people that were the cause of my anxiety yesterday; one is no more today.

Tides High and Low

I can always feel when they’re coming. Them tides you know. Exciting, disheartening; high, low, in that order. A tiny ripple in calm waters, a small nudge follows. Before you know it, the force is too strong to resist. Then off you go wherever the tides were heading. To the shore or to the deep, you soon will see.

I love them tides when they are pulling me in. I get drawn quite deep until I lose myself. I love being in the deep where I have little or no control. being overwhelmed is pure ecstasy. Allow me to explain; you see, a girl like me always has control over everything. I always want to know at each point exactly where I am, where I’m going to and where I am from. I’m that girl who has to get a rough idea of how the picture looks like at all times.

Well that was until I felt the power of the sun over tides; power of the Son over my tides. Forces so strong that nothing can hinder. I find myself powerless and go with the flow. I love it when the Son draws. Little by little, I am pulled deeper and deeper. I lose sight of the shore and it is scary. I no longer have any awareness of exactly where I am but when He’s in the lead, I am not afraid. He knows me, knows what’s best for me and wants it more than I’d desire it for myself. So I let Him steer. I go as the wind of His Spirit blows.

It’s a beautiful place to be. Enchanting. Knowing that you’re not in charge of anything but watching as He takes you places and does things that are exceedingly, abundantly, above all you could ask or imagine. He goes beyond your expectations. You’re lost in Him but fully found. Completely drowning in His love and presence that you die to who you are only to find yourself very alive in Him.

You get used to that. It becomes comfortable. However, you got so fascinated that you began grabbing the steer slowly albeit unknowingly. Then the motion begins. You did not see the moon, but the faint ripple and small nudge, those you felt. And ignored. You were too caught up in the deep to notice anything.

Gradually, the power of the tide grows. It pulls and before you know it, you feel helpless. You are aware that to be safe, you need to go back to deep waters. Once or twice you try to go back but after a few attempts that mostly end in failure, you give up. You recall the many times you’d get to the places you ought to be but always fell eventually. Will this cycle ever end?

The shore comes to sight. You can feel the warmth of shallow waters. In fact, shallow waters are always warm; they are perfect environments for comfort zones. You stay there for a very long time. Long enough to completely give up on ever being as deep as you had gotten. You give up on the Son; give up on your ability to ever make it back. It’s not worth trying, maybe being lukewarm and out on the shallow waters is all you’ll ever manage to sustain.

But you forgot one thing: the unstoppable power of the Son over your tides. Forgot also that the moon still relies on the sun so ultimately, all tides are tied to the Son. He allows them motions for a reason. Whether He reveals the whys or not, it doesn’t matter. Rest in the assurance that all seasons are under His control. And before you know it, the tiny ripple and little nudges are back. The deep draws you back in.

Instead of fretting or despairing on where you find yourself now, simply surrender to the Son. Be sure that He will cause you to move where He wants you to be when His timing comes. Your part is to rest and surrender. Let the tides do their thing, after all, they are simply reins the Son holds.

I leave you with these two links to remind you the beauty of surrendering to the tide:

In Over My Head- Jenn Johnson

Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)- Hillsong United

Sunshine on a Cloudy Day

It was a gloomy day which perfectly befitted the moment because we were going to bury someone dearly beloved. I was wearing the black dress I bought (whose length I’d immediately had reduced, Lol) and a new purple trench coat. Along the way some car got stuck in the mud or something but all I remember was that the funeral concession stopped and we had a chance to interact with people. I saw him. Heart almost stopped.

Of course he’d be here, this wasn’t something he’d missed. I think I was beginning to like him a lot more than I’d cared to admit. We talked briefly and you can bet my heart did a few of those flip flops. That didn’t last for long, soon we were back to our cars. I seem to briefly recollect introducing him to my parents; he must have been in the company of my cousins because I’d be committing suicide if I had dared to bring him over alone.

Eventually we get to the burial site. It was still cloudy and quite cold. I had done enough crying for several days so by this time, I was far stronger. I don’t like crying in public, so any emotions were shoved aside; all except one.

He was mostly right at the front taking photos alongside many others, but of course my attention was solely pegged on him. I had people to talk to and followed proceedings so it would sober me for a while before I’d steal a glance and be adequately distracted. I looked around me and noticed there was a bevy of beauties everywhere my eyes could see. Sigh, who was I kidding? A guy like him drew too much attention and there was no way I’d get his.

This crazy fog set in just as the family was heading to the grave site. People started rushing to their cars and choppers because the diminished visibility would be an issue. I had to go find my parents because I was to travel back to the city that same day.

He found me before I could trace my parents. He tells me to wait because he was trying to see if he could get me a vehicle going straight back. I’m guessing he planned to travel with me. Oh a girl had to be flattered by that display of chivalry! Unfortunately, he didn’t succeed but told me that whoever arrived first would wait for the other. I got there first.

I waited for forever! He kept apologising and I understood because he was at someone else’s mercy. After what seemed like hours (well less than an hour) he got there and ice cream followed. Long story short, he took me back to our hostels and stayed for a while to talk. Being the gentleman he is, he handed over the ice cream he bought for himself when my friends got there (yes, I love my friends tremendously but no, I don’t love them enough to share my ice cream).

Of course he’s always been a gentleman of sorts. From the first time we met, I noticed that chivalry. I was fascinated by his vast knowledge and travels. I love people who are well read or travelled. We got along quite well and I loved those conversations. He once got me a very beautiful yet simple bracelet in my favourite colour. I was swooned!

This story doesn’t have a happy ending and it’s worse because it was my fault. Oh goodness, I liked the guy! But then that whole faith thing came up and my unequally yoked lessons wouldn’t give me peace. I’d noticed how much he liked me but I had to kill it. So I withdrew and cut off communication. That was cruel and it hurt me badly, but I had to do it because if I allowed it to go on longer, the heartbreak would have been very ugly!