Becoming My Own Sun (Guest Post)

Today’s post comes from someone I love in ways I can’t even express! Someone who probably knows all my secrets and walks me through the mess that’s mostly my life.

And boy can this lady write!!! I’m not even being biased here; her pieces are intimidatingly beautiful. I read this particular one and I’m yet to recover. Trying to collect the pieces of my heart while hoping that these tears I shed will somehow be the glue to patch me back together.

Savour this one, you’ll absolutely love it!

BECOMING MY OWN SUN

Dear Hez,

I love you.
God I love you.
I love the way you make me laugh, at the most stupid things, in the most inappropriate of times. Or the vibes we share when around other people who cannot see through it. And have whole communications without words.

Or when in the middle of me laughing, I will stop and catch your stare. Serious, and warm. But definitely a stare. Like you just chanced upon a masterpiece.
I love how we will have built conversations from the most mundane of things. And how you notice the smallest of details. Like how a conversation made me uncomfortable, and you take time to get back to it and see what you could have done differently.

I love how you kiss me. As if nothing else, nothing else matters. And you affirm me and tell me I am beautiful. That you are lucky to have me. And how you, tender and caring, want to know, every second minute whether I’m fine.
As if you will change the weather to suit my wants, but you still ask. I totally dig that about you.
I love how you take care of things. Make sure everybody is fine, that they are home safe, especially when you don’t have to.
I love staying with you, anywhere. You almost always feel like home.

Then we have had pain. Even in the midst of all these stars in our path.
The first time you stabbed me was that September in 2011. I had just left my other relationship and was finally ready to date you. And when we talked the night I knew I was ready, I did not see the pain lunging towards me. You said you were concerned, that I was going to cheat on you. Because I had just left my relationship and had been crazy about the ex.

I remember I was in a new bed in a new campus, in our new house. I muffled my sobs because I didn’t want to wake my new roommate up. And I had hung up. Every word had felt like this sword you were driving into me, into my heart. You had never had me hung up on you and it made you get upset. I didn’t want you to hear me cry, my dignity was already mopping the floor.

Then after I hung up I had cried. I cried so hard that night. I wondered how someone who knew me so well would be so mistaken about me. And I wondered whether now that I was available I had become less attractive, another person’s old toy you did not want part of. And I didn’t want to talk to you again after that. It hurt too much. Our relationship became stilted after that, we talked, but it was once in a while. And we took some time.

Three years later, in 2014, after I had finished school, come to Nairobi, we started off again. This time there was less drama. And we were at different places in life. I was starting my career while you were clearing school. We had a thing. You would come over, I would cook. We would have a good time, and we would talk, endlessly, watch movies. We hung out with mutual friends. No one knew a thing about what was happening between us.

Then one day, I asked that you commit to a relationship. And you jumped ship. You couldn’t do it, you said. It wasn’t the right time. There was too much going on. And this time, I didn’t want to stick around and start rebuilding my heart again. So I asked that we break the situationship off. And we did not really speak for a while. Till January of 2015. Here you said, that you had been seeing other people this while. And I remember being awake as you slept, wondering what it is about me that said, I could be treated that way.

Now you are back, again, three years later. You have a bag full of apologies.
You say you miss your friend, that you realised we had a good thing going. That nobody gets you encouraged like I do. You speak about caring for me, being my man.

But you don’t want hard conversations.
Whenever I bring up your history of hurting me, you say, can’t I see the apologies you have made? And you ask why I want you to walk on eggshells.
And now we are here, fighting. Fighting too much to even talk through things.

And now you cannot talk to me. Because you have clumped up. You are convinced somehow, that I am not a big enough person to forgive you. And I am tired of this whole shebang.
And all the fighting we are doing, it doesn’t help me or you. It all hurts me and you too.

You are here, and just like always, you don’t know what you want this time as well.
I guess to you I am a thrill of a chase. Then when the chase dies down, so does your appetite. Someone to keep you happy, sometimes warm your bed, take care of you as you figure things out.

And now that I am tired of being that for you, a high, a temporary place holder as you chase more tail, you don’t want to talk anymore. You I intend to keep punishing you for things you have already said you are sorry for. Because sorry is a sap that should stitch back together the trust issues you have so intricately created.

As if I should by a magic wand, let all the hurt you have caused fly away, and give you clean slates for which to pour your still undecided self. As if I haven’t nursed wounds from you for months on end. Waking up to oil the wounds, keeping them from the sun, crying in silence at night while they bleed.
I am tired.
I am sorry.
I forgave you. I did.
Take the pain and shove it, you say.
Forgive me because see, I am very sorry.

But the reason I’m sorry, is because I I’m not that girl anymore.
It’s not enough anymore for you to come in and leave my life as you please.
It’s not okay to be the one receiving bread crumbs, the girl you have a life with but don’t introduce as yours. The girl you are okay telling she means the world as long as the world doesn’t know.
I’m sorry.

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Dark Cloud Chronicles

I’ve been see-sawing between utter hopelessness and fierce resolve in the very recent past. Had days when I was a warrior ready to battle whatever life threw at me. But then there were those days when despair gnawed at me and I gave up on ever having a normal life. On such days, I’d be sick and tired of being sick; fed up with not being able to live up to expectations at work; disappointed that I wasn’t who people knew I was and done with hoping for a good life (whatever that means).
See it’s one thing to be knocked down by different things in life; it’s an entirely different thing when all the blows come but your greatest opponent is yourself. When your mind fights against you. When your heart is too wounded to beat one more time. When your body is weak because of assaults by one form of sickness after another. When your spirit feels lifeless.

Today I listened to a TED talk where they said that according to research done, by 2020, depression would be the 2nd highest form of disability… yes, disability.

On normal days, I’d scoff and say they were being overly dramatic. But then I woke up feeling all flu-ish and thinking, “Dear Lord, I can’t be sick again! Not again”. Then I recalled how I walked out of a work thing on Saturday because of unbearable pain. How I missed a staff meeting on Tuesday because my teeth decided aching ceaselessly for days would be fun. How a week or two ago I was on sick off for a couple of days because of something entirely different… this list is endless.

That’s when it all began crumbling. I started wondering why I was even bothering trying to live a normal life. Little by little, I sank and before I knew it I was completely drowning and unable to do anything; like completely couldn’t do a thing… then that TED talk made sense.

I think it would be tragic if their prediction came true because it would mean millions upon millions are battling with an enemy that lies within; a monster you wouldn’t wish even on your worst enemy.

My heart breaks for anyone caught up in this.
So if this is you today; hugs to you darling.

Drop 26

Dear Mr 26,

That’s the exact number that represents the drop of percentage of her rating. You see, the first time someone ever attached a percentage to her name, they decided 76% would be the most suitable representative. And no, she didn’t complain because firstly, she found it befitting and secondly, simply due to the fact that it was by a school master who had chosen to bestow upon her the highest rank of leadership. He knew she had her imperfections but even at 76, he still found her perfect enough for that role.

13 years after that 13 year old got branded 76, she met you. Conversation after conversation, she found herself liking the person you were. In no time, she discovered those feelings were mutual. That’s when it all began.

26 was one of the reasons she was hesitant. When one has that number of twelve months in their lifetime, they’d normally not be considered. But evident maturity that kept revealing itself became the saving grace. So despite her initial hesitation, she went with the flow.

A rollercoaster ride ensued. Moments of pure ecstasy were in abundance but confusion and disappointment lurked close. Then you declared that you didn’t think your heart was in a position to love her as she deserved since it was recovering from the major blow it had been dealt with.

Separation happened, she moved on and her heart shut you out. Winter was back and she went back to her normal frozen state. That lasted about a week until you returned with a solemn pledge to do whatever it took to make it work. Promises were made, analogies given to better explain and she decided to give you a second chance against her better judgment. Her only condition was that you’d give her time to realign and time for her heart to thaw if the warmth of your love held.

Well, that also lasted about a week until you came back with more uncertainties and an idea to take time off to have all confirmations that this was it. The plan was to step back into the friendship realm while consulting God.

She, after some deliberations with herself, decided not to do anything. After all, if a man was truly interested, there’d be no hesitation. She had already deciphered that he wasn’t sure and therein had found her answer. So life moved on; it wasn’t always easy but she somehow managed.

Until a fortnight later when you came along. Misses were confessed on both sides and compromise followed. But that barely lasted because soon after, you brought up your percentage. So apparently, 50% was all your heart could allocate and that was simply when together (out of curiosity, was it a 10-20% while apart?).
From a 76 to 50… But that wasn’t even the highlight that day. The real confession was that there was someone who was at 80 (guessing the 80 was while away). She appreciated the honesty and told you to go after what your heart wanted. Regrets are a nasty thing to carry around so she gave you her blessing. Plus, there’s never any wisdom in trying to hold onto someone that wants to go. Most of all, it helped that her winter hadn’t been completely over so freezing wasn’t going to be a problem.

I guess this is her goodbye; not that you need it since that was already agreed upon… but maybe some catharsis was necessary and words had to be put down.
All in all, this is her farewell to you and anyone who comes with percentages. It’s all or nothing for her.

The Enemy Within

Self sabotage has a name. It has a shape as well. Beautiful feminine curves, smiling lips and long slender fingers. It has a charming personality that draws so easily. It also comes with a brilliant mind that can think up a storm.

Self sabotage draws in ever so tenderly and effortlessly. It captivates and fascinates. Deeper and deeper it draws, then somewhere waist deep, panic claws.

That’s when the shift begins to occurr. Slow and unnoticeable at first. A little withdrawal here and there. A number of raging mental storms. Emotions are stirred, feelings of inadequacy reign. Insecurities arise. Past ghosts are resurrected.

Then planning begins. How to withdraw. How to run. How to ruin this. Withdrawal proves pointless because self sabotage is being beautifully pursued. There’s no place to run this time because all major spaces are covered. Only one option is left…

Enter hearty conversations. Emotional intimacy is built. Comfort rises, guards are lowered and boundaries fade. A little touch here. Strong arms open to hold. The safety in being held provides security.

Self sabotage is suddenly aware of how things would pan out. A misstep here and there, then everything will be instantly taken away. Self sabotage has some mercy; no need to ruin this one. But then storms rage soon after; mind becomes a battlefield where victory stands no chance.

Experience after experience; mercy is overshadowed. Self sabotage kicks in fully. Meeting of lips is allowed. Hands intertwined. Boundaries are pushed further and further away.

Self sabotage has a bittersweet moment and isn’t sure whether to enjoy this as the beginning of the end or mourn the loss that’s just started. Mixed reactions. Mixed emotions. Self sabotage stares into the pair of eyes that have no clue that this is goodbye.

Regrets flood: why did an innocent heart have to fall prey? Mourning over what could have been. Walls are quickly brought back up. Pushing away is now being done actively. Tears will be shed. Awkward moments might follow. Innumerable questions will be raised.

But all that matters in the end is that self sabotage succeeded… yet again.

With Love… Part 1

Dear Baby Sister, 

I’m not entirely sure where to begin with this one. You are such a precious soul! Maybe I should start by reminding you how priceless you are. 

Have I told you how beautiful you are? Goodness, you are very beautiful! And it’s not because the pimples are gone along with some weight. No, you’re beautiful just because you are. What adds to that some more is your heart and character. I’m sure countless people would want a daughter like you. 

Well, people wanting daughters are not the only ones who will notice you. You can be certain that enough boys and men have spotted you. Male attention is usually flattering; it makes you feel really nice. It can also dig up some insecurities and you find yourself wondering what on earth they’re seeing in you. 

Sweetheart, don’t let that get to your head; don’t get too carried away when they start flocking. It’s okay to feel good and smile when that happens but remember that your value is not attached to the amount of male attention you can draw. If you allow yourself to feel confident when guys come, you’ll be shattered when they go. Men come and go; your worth isn’t pegged on their ebbs and flows. 

Don’t ever be afraid to ask questions and get clarity. If a guy shows interest, give them time to make it clear. When they do, find out what their intentions are concerning you. He likes you, well and good, but why does he want you and for what? You don’t have to say yes just because they asked or simply because you like them. Crushes come and crushes go. Oh you will experience plenty of those ones! You don’t have to date every guy you like. 

Take time to discover exactly what you’re looking for. I’d advise you to go for a man who appreciates your beauty but also sees beyond that. A man who gets captivated by your character. One who sees what a wonderful heart you have. One who cares about your dreams. One who wants to know you more and more. One who not only gets your heart beating faster but also stimulates your mind. And with all those expectations you’ll hold, don’t ever stop making yourself all that and more. Such a man only has eyes for similar women. 

Enough about the male species for now… I know how critical this phase of your life is. There is so much pressure about what to do next that it’s easy to get really stressed. Baby girl, take a nice deep breath and slow it down. Don’t hesitate to take your time. The world is not going anywhere. Yes your friends might already be moving at a fast pace but your life is yours to live. Comparing your life to others robs you of the joy of the adventure that’s your own life. We all have different paths and we move at different paces. 

Don’t be afraid of dreaming big. Have goals and ambitions that scare you. Your life is a blank canvas and you’re free to paint it as you wish. You can choose to make it mediocre or amazing. God already set the blueprint for an incredible life; remain plugged and He’ll guide you in painting that wonderful picture. 

Amazing doesn’t mean perfect; on the contrary, you’ll have numerous ups and downs. You’ll cry several times and feel lost. You’ll experience failure and success; let both teach you but you must never allow them to define you. You are not great when you succeed or terrible when you fail; both are part of your journey but they don’t dictate your worth. 

Most of all, I absolutely love you! I may not be there every time but when you need me, please tell me and I’ll make time for you. However, my absence doesn’t mean you’re alone. We share a Heavenly Daddy who loves us insanely. I can write several books on how good and reliable He is! Please make use of Him. Ask Him to show you just how much He loves you, how good He is and how He’s constantly there; Oh He loves responding to that! 

Until next time… 

With love, 

Me.

My Five Stages

They say there are 5 stages of grief; well I’ve lived through each with you. Bliss didn’t stay because you chose to walk away. All I was left with were these 5 steps which I have finally found a way to express adequately… good old music. I guess it’s true what they say: there’s a song for everything you feel. 

1. Denial
Now and then I think of when we were together. Like when you said you felt so happy you could die. Told myself that you were right for me…


(Somebody that I used to know- Gotye)

I had terribly enjoyed each moment with you. Spending time with you made me happy and I’d be in awe of the person I kept discovering.  Maybe all that glitters truly isn’t gold because that happiness would fade soon after you left. I always came up with reasons and excuses as to why your silence kept growing. Eventually, I ran out of them. I still tried to justify everything because I didn’t want to believe the alternative.

2. Anger

I know I can’t take one more step towards you, ’cause all that’s waiting is regret. And it took so long just to feel alright, remember how to put back the light in my eyes. I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed, ‘Cause you broke all your promises… You don’t get to get me back

(Jar of hearts- Christina Perry)

Oh I was pissed when I realised that there was no reasonable explanation for your silence. No, you don’t get to treat me like that, is what I said. I even wrote a quote for it: 

“You don’t just get to discard me when you please and pick me again at your convenience.”

And like Christina sings, yes, you don’t get to get me back.

3. Bargaining

Say something, I’m giving up on you. I’ll be the one if you want me to. Anywhere I would’ve followed you. Say something, I’m giving up on you

(A Great Big World – Say Something Lyrics)

Then I’d remember why I really liked you and I’d want to try salvage the situation. I’d decide to be the better person and reach out. Basically, anything to get back to conversations like we used to have and to take things back to those beautiful moments.

4. Depression
 
Don’t leave me in all this pain. Don’t leave me out in the rain. Come back and bring back my smile. Come and take these tears away. I need your arms to hold me now. The nights are so unkind. Bring back those nights when I held you beside me. Un-break my heart, Say you’ll love me again. Undo this hurt you caused, When you walked out the door, And walked out of my life. Un-cry these tears, I cried so many nights. Un-break my heart

(Toni Braxton- Unbreak My heart)

Oh the pain! The number of times I’d reminisce and want to cry. Tears were elusive but that pain was tangible. I began asking myself if you changed your mind or maybe you lied right from the start. I couldn’t reconcile the promises you made and affections you showed, with how you were acting. It would hurt if you changed your mind but it would break me more if I discovered you were lying all along because that’s not the kind of person you’d be. Maybe I’m just not as good a judge of character as I assume.

5. Acceptance

But you didn’t have to cut me off, Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing… But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough, but I don’t wanna live that way, reading into every word you say…

(Somebody that I used to know- Gotye)

You made me want you You made me leave you. You made me tumble and fall. But if I Can’t have you the way I want you, I don’t want you at all. Baby, I can take a lot Cause I love Everything you got… so if you got Someone else I gotta go. Oh, that you know. Yeah that’s it honey I quit I’m movin’ on…

(Adele – That’s it, I quit, I’m movin’ on (Sam Cooke) )

Yes I wish things were different. I wished that you wouldn’t have cut me off. But I can’t keep putting up with frequent silence. Yes I still think you are amazing and that you’re one person who I’d do forever after with. But despite the fact that you hold probably 80% of what I desire, that 20% missing includes communication, which for me is practically everything. 
So yes, if I can’t have you the way I want you then I don’t want you at all. Yeah that’s it honey, I quit I’m movin’ on. 


PS: I know we have plenty of Christian love songs; but y’all don’t do break up songs?? I need options people 😉 

All… Most… Almost

It’s amazing how easy it is to know these days. One or two interactions and it’s easy to know if someone is what I’d want or not. Two or three interactions and my eyes opened to the fact that you were all I’d been searching for. 

I’m yet to understand how one person can be the culmination of everything I dreamt of. How similar thought patterns can be. How things that made me peculiar were perfectly normal with you. How experiences I went through shaped me to be a person who easily blends with the person you are. How every bit of what I saw as imperfection were the very strokes the Master used to create a masterpiece you loved. 

Well, loved, is my assumption based on your words and actions. In actual sense, you uttered those 3 magical words that hearts worldwide dance to. My own heart fluttered when I heard them. I think it even stopped for a moment. I was scared at that moment. Maybe scared blows up the magnitude of what I truly felt. But yes, I didn’t know what to say; afraid I wouldn’t fully mean it if I said those words to you. 

Love is sacred and it’s a huge responsibility; it’s not something I take lightly. It felt like a beautiful privilege to be the object of your affections in that manner… but I didn’t want to make cheap promises. I’d want to give you everything that love comes with.

Love is a choice and commitment. You said it yourself. And yes I recall that too clearly because those words captivated me as you expressed them. See a girl like me, strongly believes in the same. I wouldn’t hesitate even the slightest bit, to utter those three magical words if I was certain of commitment. 

But my all, turned out to be my most. I came alive to the fact that like most of us, you aren’t perfect (and shouldn’t be). You ticked most of the boxes, just not all. I am okay with that. I had no problem dealing with any shortcomings. I get how cocoons are easy to get used to. 

Well, that was until I grew tired of having to come up with excuses. Unreplied messages were simply because of endless meetings. Missed calls that were never returned was because you’d get home exhausted. Those “seen” messages on social media must have come when you were distracted… I’d keep seeing you active/online and ran out of excuses to explain away the reason my messages and calls remained ignored. 

My heart became black and blue; taking too many hits because I cared too much. Anxiety became a companion that kept showing up since I wasn’t sure if you were safe or okay. 

However, these wounds became too many. I couldn’t take anymore pain. Yes the choice to shut that door equally hurt, but I had to choose me this time. Maybe because I’ve been there a few times and this started looking a little familiar. My heart was afraid I couldn’t survive such pain; I can’t go through that again.

Magical words devoid of matching actions are simply ashes. They are evidence of a fire that once blazed but now they’re nothing. Just empty words… particles being blown away and scattered by this wind blowing; the wind of change. 

You were the one I almost had.