It is past 2a.m and I am sitting here staring at the screen wondering why I can’t get myself to work on the reports my boss needs by tomorrow morning but I cannot ignore all the thoughts jamming my mind and making me restless. I am on the verge on giving up all hopes of getting the relationship I kept dreaming of and what I believed existed around me.
You see, I grew from the girl who dreamed of the tall dark and handsome guy who would sweep me off my feet to the young girl who wanted a mature man, intelligent, spiritually grown up, adventurous, good looking enough, one with a sense of humour, one in between a bad boy and a good guy, with an ego but not too arrogant, one who’d challenge me and inspire me to be a better person and one who would love me for me. Recently, I realised that probably all I needed was a good man, mature, spiritual and committed enough; the rest we would work out along the way.
Right now though, I honestly feel confused, torn, cheated and tempted to give up on a good relationship since I feel that those rarely exist anymore. You can’t fully blame me for that since a lot has been happening around me that got me to this point. Most of the people I looked up to as role models because they dated or married nice mature christian men who looked like what I would also want are now hurting because of those same men. So how I’m I still supposed to believe in such love if it eventually leads to that much pain?
I am very tempted to revise my list and simply leave it at mature guy who loves me, is spiritual or rather respects God a lot and is very committed. That may not go too well with my Christian friends who I know would love me to end up with a nice saved man but is the so-called mature men in the faith turn out like the above, how about trying out the religious ones who are not yet saved but would love, respect and cherish me above almost everything else and would still respect my faith or maybe get drawn and end up growing spiritually?
I am not sure what will happen but I am sure I’ll know very soon since I only have this week. The man I am thinking of giving a chance is in the country for just a week before he goes away for months. This week will be make or break since if I give in I will have given up on a few of the key standards I set out and if I give up I will be back to square one; left to sort all the confusion in my life.
That is why I have decided that for this week, my policy is che sarà, sarà!