che sarà, sarà

confused

It is past 2a.m and I am sitting here staring at the screen wondering why I can’t get myself to work on the reports my boss needs by tomorrow morning but I cannot ignore all the thoughts jamming my mind and making me restless. I am on the verge on giving up all hopes of getting the relationship I kept dreaming of and what I believed existed around me.

You see, I grew from the girl who dreamed of the tall dark and handsome guy who would sweep me off my feet to the young girl who wanted a mature man, intelligent, spiritually grown up, adventurous, good looking enough, one with a sense of humour, one in between a bad boy and a good guy, with an ego but not too arrogant, one who’d challenge me and inspire me to be a better person and one who would love me for me. Recently, I realised that probably all I needed was a good man, mature, spiritual and committed enough; the rest we would work out along the way.

Right now though, I honestly feel confused, torn, cheated and tempted to give up on a good relationship since I feel that those rarely exist anymore. You can’t fully blame me for that since a lot has been happening around me that got me to this point. Most of the people I looked up to as role models because they dated or married nice mature christian men who looked like what I would also want are now hurting because of those same men. So how I’m I still supposed to believe in such love if it eventually leads to that much pain?

I am very tempted to revise my list and simply leave it at mature guy who loves me, is spiritual or rather respects God a lot and is very committed. That may not go too well with my Christian friends who I know would love me to end up with a nice saved man but is the so-called mature men in the faith turn out like the above, how about trying out the religious ones who are not yet saved but would love, respect and cherish me above almost everything else and would still respect my faith or maybe get drawn and end up growing spiritually?

I am not sure what will happen but I am sure I’ll know very soon since I only have this week. The man I am thinking of giving a chance is in the country for just a week before he goes away for months. This week will be make or break since if I give in I will have given up on a few of the key standards I set out and if I give up I will be back to square one; left to sort all the confusion in my life.

That is why I have decided that for this week, my policy is che sarà, sarà!

The Taken Man

taken

 

Have you ever fallen for a taken man? Well I did, and it was not something I would recommend.

I got to know this amazing guy from a radio station I loved; he was one of the presenters I did not like! Somehow we became friends on social media but for months we never interacted till a little over a month ago. We started chatting and that was the beginning of one of my greatest mistakes.

I knew he had a girlfriend, it was hard not to notice with all the pictures they posted of the 2 of them and that is why I was never bothered. However, in a matter of days we had gotten to exchange phone numbers and we would talk every single day.

Things got better as time passed, I couldn’t resist his charm, his confidence, his ego, his sonorous voice; the man was the real definition of suave! After weeks of talking on phone we met for coffee at midnight and it went on till almost 5a.m (don’t give me that look, a girl’s allowed to do something crazy once in a while) We stayed there simply talking and opening up. I was impressed by his level of honesty and how he was able to get me out of my comfort zone.

After that I could barely get him off my mind. I kept replaying bits of the night in my head; thinking about his smile, his touch (get your mind off the gutter, he only touched my hand and held me as I leaned against him at one point) I thought about how he admitted he was attracted to me and how he’d had problems with his girlfriend for a while.

Well, I let my fantasies carry me away too far. He got to me more than I should have let him. I had hope that eventually something good would develop but I didn’t want it to happen while he hadn’t broken up with her. I guess I should be happy now that my path has been set for me; I saw her post how he made her happy. That’s when I realised the folly of my hopes: he wasn’t leaving her.

Here I am now, not sure whether to cry or beat myself up again. I can hear my head shouting ecstatically “I told you so! He was no good and you should have known better than to start liking a taken guy” but my heart is in pain and amidst all its tears, the shouts of my head are drowned a little. I am hurt, just like I expected. I feel foolish and naive but you cannot blame me.

I will probably dislike (hate is a strong word but still a close description) him for leading me on, for letting me start falling for him, for talking to me when I was trying hard to keep away from me and most of all for not being mine like I hoped.

I may miss him for a while; it would be hard not to miss his sonorous voice with that lovely American accent, his well-built body, his dark skin, his coy smile, his charm, his ego and his ability not just to bring out the girl in me but to also make me want to put aside the stubborn, strong-minded, very guarded and distant woman in me.

I should have known better than to fall for a taken guy, but I did and now I’m paying the price.

Mr. Man

Image

It’s Valentine’s day and i’m seated on my bed as I enjoy the variety of chocolate I have thanks to mum getting me some of that imported peanut butter chocolate and the forest fruit and nut one plus the milky velvety bar as well that Mr. Man bought me yester night.

About last night; let’s just say it was one of those nights I will not be forgetting. We met up for early dinner and he took me to some good high end restaurant where I had the most sumptuous pork ribs I have ever had! The meal was accompanied by some good conversation and I couldn’t help being impressed by how much he’d changed from the last time we met 4 years ago. He’d grown from the young shy guy I met that day to the man that was sitting before me. He’d become a bit more confident, his voice even deeper and more sonorous than before, his cologne made him irrestible and actually looked quite good. He turned out to be a real gentleman opening doors for me and all.

After dinner we decided to go play Foosball where he’d beat me and I would hopefully beat him at bowling. Unfortunately that place had been closed for re-innovation and our movie plan didn’t work since we couldn’t find a cinema that was showing what we wanted. Eventually we went to have ice cream while enjoying more conversation and afterwards did some shopping where he got me the chocolates. He dropped me back to my place and I invited him in for coffee and just to hang out. We stayed up till almost 5a.m when he left since he had a very long journey starting at 10a.m.

To say that I haven’t been thinking about him would be the biggest lie. He keeps popping in my thoughts and I can’t help wondering why he only has one more week around before he leaves the country. I want more time to re-discover who he truly is and see the older him better. I’m glad we made all the plans for another movie, camping if all goes well and whatever else comes up. The sad bit is that I don’t think he realises how I’m starting to like him; he still thinks I’m waiting for some other man who is meant to be better than him. I hope he sees it soon enough and becomes bold enough to make a move.

I think dating Mr. Man guy wouldn’t be too bad an idea despite the fact that he doesn’t meet my spirituality standard. He fears God and is principled; I think that is a good starting point. Plus being a lieutenant is an added advantage; if army men like him exist then maybe it’s time to put prejudice aside and see how things go.