Funny how I always get the motivation to write at the weirdest hours of the night; it’s almost 2a.m and if I don’t write I’ll explode or something. You see, I have been bottling too much inside me and it’s time I told you what’s going on.
The past 2-4 weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions for me. I feel like I was a different girl in each of those weeks. From the first one where I was a single happy girl who was enjoying life while learning what love was all about from the greatest love of all (God) and learning what standards I should have for any man I’d consider getting into a relationship with. I was sure about what I wanted till things crumbled as I explained in my previous post. I soon turned to a single girl being happily pursued by a man who was the type many ladies would love. (refer to the post on Mr. Nice Guy) He looked for every chance he could get to spend time with me and I was enjoying every bit of it.From simply running errands together to feeding him cake as he was driving, we had enough bonding moments and I started liking him more.
That changed when I suddenly became a very hurt and pissed off girl who discovered some compromising photo of him and a ‘friend’ of his taken like a week earlier. I honestly do not remember the last time I felt such a strong mixture of anger and hurt (yes, even that time when I found evidence that my ex, the ‘gospel’ artiste was a player didn’t make me feel anything close to this time) I quickly turned to the bitter girl who had lost faith in all she hoped for, I was back to being torn and confused. After thinking through different strategies of dealing with the situation and debating between confronting to ask for the truth then walking away for good or staying around, disengaging my heart and applying lessons from that old Blu Cantrell song, Hit ’em Up Style (don’t ask me how a song I haven’t heard in years came to my mind yet my playlist is filled with nice christian songs). I settled for Blu Cantrell’s advice and decided that I’d be the good girl going rogue. I would pretend I saw nothing, get back to enjoying his pursuit while enjoying all the material benefits that would come with it; but I wasn’t a cold heartless gold digger and I couldn’t do it since my faith plus convictions wouldn’t let me.In the end, none of my plans worked exactly as envisioned but somehow I am glad they didn’t. After a very long talk with demands for raw honesty and him opening up while clarifying issues, we sorted things. Part of me chose to try believe what he said based on his reaction and how broken and bothered he looked when he realised that he was the reason I was that mad and hurt when we were with him at the time I saw the photo. On the other hand, the skeptic lawyer in me still doesn’t see how simplistic his response was. His reaction seemed pretty genuine but most players are good at faking such emotions (my ex proved that perfectly well) Either way, time will tell and I will get my truth in the very near future as I proceed with caution.
In no time, I got to the week where single hood was forsaken and I became the happy girlfriend. He went down on his knees one Sunday evening and I said yes. I’m not sure I said yes because I really liked him and couldn’t wait to spend forever after with him or maybe because I felt I was ready to finally date and he was the good guy who liked me enough to convince me to try things out. Over the next few days we were almost inseparable and we spent every moment possible hanging out with each other. That was mainly due to the fact that he was going back to that war zone but luckily kept getting an extra day before being needed there. We got to know each other far better and had such beautiful and happy moments that it almost felt like we’d been together for ages. His car got named after me and so did his football profile (did I mention how he’s an addict of football and video games) plus I acquired 5% shares in everything he owned except the 10% shares I had of his car or the 50% of his laptop’s desktop page and of course 100% of himself. We went on enjoying the blissful days till the day he left.
I became the lonely girl missing her man and who felt like their honeymoon stage had been cruelly cut off by circumstances beyond them. He spent a few days still in the country but in one of those very far town. I would take advantage and call whenever I could and chat practically all day since we both knew communication would be hard when he left the country since the mobile network provider in that country had disabled internet connections for everyone and call rates were insanely high.
He left sooner than I expected but in not time I turned to a confused girl torn between holding on to what she had or letting go because she knew faith issues wouldn’t allow her to keep being with him. I suddenly had all those lessons on how a christian should not and must not date a non-believer. Almost all the relationship posts I kept seeing that week were about the same and I was too torn. I know for a fact that unless God expressly directs me to marry a non-believer and confirms that through other people; I would not marry my Mr. Nice Guy no matter how much I wanted to and in spite of all the future plans we made for us and the 3 kids he wanted.
Now I am simply the uncertain girl and still quite torn because the right thing to do will hurt him but not doing it will hurt me eventually… Talk of being between a rock and a hard place! All in all I have decided not to do anything or make any serious decisions before he is back. I promised I would wait for him to get back no matter how many months it would take and I will honour that promise. In the mean time I hope and pray that God will start convicting him or simply soften his heart until he realises his dire need for Christ. I will not pressure him to do so since I respect his free will and I know that my work is to simply share as the Spirit does the conviction Himself. Bottom line is I like him too much to want to lose him so let me cross my fingers and hope for the best