I am loved by a love that shatters my entire life!
A force so powerful that it can tear the universe
Yet tender enough not to destroy me
A love that is strong as death, jealousy demanding as the grave
A love that is relentless; it pursues relentlessly
A love that is a consuming fire
This love holds me so tight
It will never let go
It is not relinquished by my mistakes
It doesn’t walk away when I do so
It refuses to give up on me
A love I can’t explain or understand
Love I can only embrace
Every once in a while, I hit rock bottom. It usually starts with something(s) triggering it then I start to feel like I’m sinking into a depression. While sinking, it usually occurs to me just how many things aren’t going right or how I really blew it this time. It goes for a few days then I’ll hit rock bottom.
That’s where everything turns around. I feel tired of all the negative feelings and decide that something has to change. I realise I can’t change what already happened but I can dust myself and move on. I decide I am not defined by all the failure, mistakes or disappointment. I get new strength and hope; I rise up far stronger than I ever was and I’m recharged to deal with whatever comes my way. At that moment I pull down mountains and slay all the giants that intimidated me.
With time, I learnt that hitting rock bottom is actually a good thing since it helps you put things in perspective and turn tables around.
Yesterday I felt that trigger and knew I was going to start sinking really bad soon enough. So I decide to create my own rock bottom without all the tears and negative emotions. Today, I hit rock bottom and in a few minutes rose up far higher than before.
I thank God for the beauty of rock bottoms
I think I’m getting in trouble, probably some serious trouble. It feels like I’m stepping on murky waters but at the back of my mind, I kinda know what to expect. It’s funny how my last post was supposed to help me learn how not to get emotionally entangled but somehow I headed right there.
You know those times when you know what not to do but somehow you still end up doing it. You argue that at least you tried doing your part and tried to avoid, but when you came face to face with it, you beat your chest sure that there’s nothing you can’t handle. After everything starts crashing, you ask yourself several times why on earth you didn’t just pull out at first warning.
So today we’ve been talking for over 7 hours on phone, he finally got to beat my 6 and a half hour record. When we started talking today, my emotions were a little sober but I soon got carried away. Then I realised the conversation somehow was mainly about him or about me when I would begin talking about myself. I decided to withdraw any and every emotion. At some point he talks about a lady he’s going on a date with tomorrow to finally find closure so that he can know whether to pursue her or not. That hit me hard enough to bring me back to reality and I reminded myself not to let any fond feelings develop.
Even with all the slapping by reality and conversations in my head, my emotions wouldn’t fully cooperate! It’s like my emotions are attempting to boycott my mind and that’s dangerous!
I have a feeling that maybe it’s the concept of who I think he is or what he might offer that enticed my emotions enough to cause them to rebel. Or it might simply be a hormonal thing going on. I still don’t have the answer but all I know is that if I don’t take some drastic action soon, these rebellious emotions might get me in the kind of trouble I am not prepared for!
Yesterday I spent 5 hours and 30 minutes on a phone call with a guy. I must admit, it had a been a loooong while since I had one of those (last one was the 6 and a half hour call when I was in my first year in Campus).
There’s something about very long conversations, they tend to get your emotions hooked. Most emotional affairs start with a simple how are you and a person willing to listen. I learnt the dangers of emotional intimacy the hard way and it wasn’t pretty! That’s why this time round I have tried all I can to ensure I don’t end up in that place.
It’s easy to argue that my long phone call was about business and turned to fellowship, learning and simply sharing… but I also know how easy it is for me to make him my confidante, my go-to guy and a source of my joy. When you’ve been through a season of isolation, whoever becomes available for you to talk to most of the opposite sex, can easily be the one you get emotionally entangled with.
I made a prayer (a dangerous one, I think) a while back asking God to keep guys away from me for some time so that when it comes to knowing who my future husband, I wouldn’t be confused since I’d probably have only one guy who I’m great friends with.
The risky thing about that is where any guy starts talking to you a lot, getting hooked emotionally is a high probability.
So, as much as it’s refreshing to talk to a mature, intelligent and funny guy like him; I have to guard my heart actively and if need be, cut down communication with him.
Have you ever felt very ready for something then suddenly you realise you aren’t? That’s where I am at currently.
For a while now I have probably become the biggest Early Marriage campaigner. It makes a lot of sense: the later you postpone marriage, the longer you struggle with sexual temptations and the harder it might be to compromise when it comes to your finances or dreams.
Anyway, that’s not the point now. The point is that I am starting to freak out. I suddenly have a long list of things I want to do before I settle down: I have oceans to cross, foreign cuisine to go try out, a house to acquire and enjoy living alone for a while, places to go volunteering and all sorts of people to help.
So yes, those sound like some pretty lame or selfish excuses but I think I’m having pre-wedding jitters. The only thing difference is that in my case there’s no fiance (or even boyfriend) in sight.
I guess all there is, is a case of a troubled and anxious heart. Best remedy for that is simply to surrender everything to my Heavenly Daddy; He has a way of calming fears and giving peace beyond anything we know.