Depressed?

I am not depressed but I now understand what it’s like for people in depression. I know how you want to shut the whole world out and simply be left alone. How staying in bed all day and night feels like the best option. How you can slip into numbness because emotions got overwhelming. How food has no appeal and even when your tummy decides to complain, you lack the drive to go look for any food to silence it.
How it feels like you’re floating around. How sleep becomes a panacea.

Then if people invade your world or you’re in a place where solitude is impossible, you’ll smile at people and act interested in what they’re saying but deep inside you simply want to be alone. You know how to fake it.

Thinking isn’t a good idea at this time because your mind will remind you of everything that isn’t right, so it’s easier to block out any and every thought for the sake of maintaining your sanity.

Hope seems bleak, encouragement doesn’t really hit home and it feels like no one else would understand.

But I want to let you know that you’re not alone; many of us have been down that road it’s just that we seldom talk about it. This is not permanent and though it feels like too much to bear or like an undefeatable foe, this too shall pass.

May the peace of God that surpasses all understanding, guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:6-7)

Sending my love and hugs to you right there where you are. You’ll be just fine…

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Dear Lord

Is it okay for me to not be okay?
Am I allowed to simply be weak at times
And just drown in my tears?

Can I be exempted tonight?
Or must I get on my knees and do my daily prayers
Lest the enemy catches me off guard?
Would you still protect me
Even when I was too broken to pray?

I know I’m not in I.C.U in hospital,
Or in a position where prayer was impossible
But just for tonight,
Could I be your little girl wounded
Who just needs your arms wrapped around her?

I need to know that my performance daily
Isn’t what sustains my life.
I’m not trying to test you Lord,
But tonight I need to see protection,
Even when I failed to take due diligence

So Lord please,
Just hold me tight tonight.
Let me cry till I fall asleep
Then wake me up filled with your peace

Unfeeling

Have you ever felt numb yet it wasn’t because you lacked something to feel? When your heart is torn, pain comes flooding back and it feels all too familiar. You’ve been through such pain severally and you do not have the strength to go through it again.

So when it comes, you realise it’s happening again yet you were certain you’d never be here one more time. Tears threaten to fall but your friend is sitting right across you and the last thing you want to do is to break down in front of him. You shove all emotions aside until he leaves.

You go and throw yourself on your bed, select the playlist that’s usually appropriate for such moments and suddenly all the tears start flowing freely. Pain returns and you ask God a couple of why’s.

Before you can have a good cry session, your dad calls you. You hate the timing but being an obedient daughter, you wipe your tears and appear with a fake smile. You pull an act that would earn you an Oscar, no one would suspect a thing.

In no time your friends appear for bible study and you ask yourself why on earth you agreed to host them since all you want to do is to be alone in bed crying your heart out. You’ve mustered the act of faking normalcy therefore, no one suspects but tears threaten to open their floodgates more than once. Luckily you have tea to make so you have an excuse to keep leaving. You make it through the session and even have enough fun to temporarily forget your pain.

However, when family devotion begins, numbness starts creeping in. You can’t afford to let yourself feel anything. Everyone is talking and you have moments you want to chip in but the numbness tells you it’s pointless. You can’t wait to go away and you barely hear what they prayed for since all you were thinking about is brushing your teeth and how to write this post.

You’re done writing and wonder why you used too many words yet you haven’t got a clue why you’re writing. Either way, you’ll get up, brush your teeth and hope to cry it all out in your room as you ask God why and what next.

In Too Deep?

I know I can talk my head off when it comes to emotional entanglement or intimacy. However, I have realised how describing the issue won’t help much when you can’t diagnose if you are in need of help.

So how do you know you’re in too deep with a person emotionally?

Let me start by clarifying that emotional intimacy is necessary for people in a serious and committed relationship but if you’re not dating them with an intent to marry, then emotional entanglement would get you in trouble and cause you pain when the other person leaves or you realise they’re not on the same emotional level with you.

First indicator would be the depth of your conversations. If you talk a lot about issues that are deep or about things that very few people or no one else knows, then that is a potential landmine. When someone knows such things as your biggest hopes and fears, your dreams and aspirations, your past troubles and future hopes, they are in too deep. You will be creating soul ties that will be hard to break or will cause you pain when they do break.

Secondly, does it feel impossible to stay a day or two without talking or seeing that person? When you miss them too frequently you know that they have become a very important part of you.

Thirdly, do you involve them in almost everything that matters to you? Having them as part of the things that matter in your life brings them much closer to you.

I will leave it at those 3 for now… Am I saying that it is wrong to do or experience these things? No… I’m only saying that when you start noticing them, it’s time to take stock of your emotions and decide how you want to proceed.

Those are elements that are very good for same sex friendships but when it comes to the opposite sex, they may open up emotions that were not planned for leading to feelings of desire and when the desire is not reciprocated, it leads to heartbreaks.

Remember, above all, guard your heart… (Proverbs 4:23)

Reflections on a Chilly Monday

This is one of those days where the writing bug decides to creep in slowly and bite really hard. Must be the chilly weather, the serene environment, the calming music and my being in bed enjoying the warm bedding.

Lately, I’ve been on a reflective mood and I desperately needed some alone time to think and do some writing. The past two weeks or so have been crazy but wonderful. I wouldn’t even know where to start in describing all that’s been happening but all I can say is that it started with being admitted to hospital and has ended with a seriously fired up lady who keeps surprising me daily.

It’s amazing what happens when you let God take the reins and stick at His feet daily. He will break you, mould you, rebuke, direct and take you levels you never saw. Surrender is beautiful; you give yourself up and He gives you an improved version of yourself that you’d never attain.