Unfeeling

Have you ever felt numb yet it wasn’t because you lacked something to feel? When your heart is torn, pain comes flooding back and it feels all too familiar. You’ve been through such pain severally and you do not have the strength to go through it again.

So when it comes, you realise it’s happening again yet you were certain you’d never be here one more time. Tears threaten to fall but your friend is sitting right across you and the last thing you want to do is to break down in front of him. You shove all emotions aside until he leaves.

You go and throw yourself on your bed, select the playlist that’s usually appropriate for such moments and suddenly all the tears start flowing freely. Pain returns and you ask God a couple of why’s.

Before you can have a good cry session, your dad calls you. You hate the timing but being an obedient daughter, you wipe your tears and appear with a fake smile. You pull an act that would earn you an Oscar, no one would suspect a thing.

In no time your friends appear for bible study and you ask yourself why on earth you agreed to host them since all you want to do is to be alone in bed crying your heart out. You’ve mustered the act of faking normalcy therefore, no one suspects but tears threaten to open their floodgates more than once. Luckily you have tea to make so you have an excuse to keep leaving. You make it through the session and even have enough fun to temporarily forget your pain.

However, when family devotion begins, numbness starts creeping in. You can’t afford to let yourself feel anything. Everyone is talking and you have moments you want to chip in but the numbness tells you it’s pointless. You can’t wait to go away and you barely hear what they prayed for since all you were thinking about is brushing your teeth and how to write this post.

You’re done writing and wonder why you used too many words yet you haven’t got a clue why you’re writing. Either way, you’ll get up, brush your teeth and hope to cry it all out in your room as you ask God why and what next.

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