Boxed in on Boxing Day

I don’t exactly know why but I feel sorta boxed in today. Probably because of the obvious fact that I’m involuntarily stuck indoors but maybe due to how I feel.

See, today started out pretty well; slept in longer because I was fatigued, read a few things that were interesting then did some things that I’ve needed to do for the longest period. I texted a close friend who I haven’t talked to in ages, finally got to praying for my future hubby and totally surrendering all that to God and best part is that I got closure on an issue that has stuck for 3 years after reaching out and apologising.

Then something else occurred that triggered an emotional avalanche. I saw my ex’s sister had liked my photo on instagram and out of curiosity (or mere stupidity) I went to check her photos. Of course I got one of her and him, maybe I was looking for him subconsciously. I don’t know what I felt but it had a nostalgic touch to it. He’s a no-go zone and I’d be crazy (or foolish) to reach out but I don’t know what I felt. Maybe it was the memories that are stuffed down somewhere on the subconscious part of my mind, maybe my emotions wanted to miss him, maybe I simply missed the security of being loved and belonging to someone, maybe it was the dawn of the reality that my past truly is over or maybe the fact that I’d been emotional because of my dad’s displaced aggression towards me which I unfortunately directed to (more like against) my mum.

Whatever the case, the dishes I was washing provided adequate distraction. The fact that I’ve been working all day and guests are back so I can’t leave, makes the boxed in feeling worse. Either way, I’m glad the guests include 3 wonderful toddlers that will keep me too entertained to worry about anything.

Calm in the Storm

Have you ever had a moment where things threatened your very sanity? Where your world felt like crumbling or as if it was being torn apart? Where you felt as though all odds were against you and whatever could go wrong was going wrong?

Today seemed like one of those days for me. It started with my Whatsapp messenger expiring and running out of internet bundles plus airtime (did I mention that the Bonga points ran out and I had an outstanding Okoa jahazi debt! Talk of an all-time low). I have enough people I follow up on so I needed it to be working.

I decide that I desperately needed my prayer life to improve so a 3-day fast was going to be perfect, and I started immediately. It all started beautifully and I enjoyed it until I got the text saying I’d been blacklisted by the Credit Reference Bureau but if I paid by 6pm I’d be cleared. I text my friend for whom I’d gotten that loan, hoping he’d be moved to pay by evening.

I went to wash dishes while enjoying music; still in perfect peace. Somewhere along my cleaning session, peace became evasive. By midday, I was back in bed trying to read the bible and get serious with the fast. You probably figured by now how that didn’t end well; I fell asleep and didn’t leave bed until almost 5pm. I felt like I was cheating myself and God since all my dreams during that time were about food, breaking my fast and struggles from my past.

I broke the fast for good, then realised that there was a blackout and my phone was low on charge. I badly needed to leave the house but most of my friends aren’t around.
6pm came and my blacklisting was sealed. I should have panicked, broke down or even tried screaming but I had some peace that wouldn’t leave. It didn’t make sense.

I came to bed at almost 1am and broke down because too many things weren’t right. I needed God to speak or just stretch His arm and hold me tight. The tears didn’t last long, I came across a message from Him that simply cleared everything.

There’s a quote that says: “God may not calm the storm but He’ll calm His child in the midst of the storm.”
May He give you His peace that passes all understanding in the middle of whatever you’re going through; there’s no storm He can’t handle.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16.33

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be
troubled and do not be afraid.” John 14.27

Crush?… or Maybe Not (Lies we believe)

There’s this guy I met (guy M) and for some reason I felt a connection; it almost felt like a crush but I brushed it away (more like rebuked it, Lol). I got to realise that he was sorta spiritually connected to us so I figured that the ‘crush’ that was trying to force itself was actually a different kind of connection.

Fast forward a while later and we’re now good friends. All was going great until he made a statement that sounded like the kind of insinuations I used to make when I was attempting to create an emotional connection with a guy. Butterflies kicked in and I think my heart fluttered; not in the ‘Yeaaay I like this’ kind of way but the ‘Oh no’ type.

Naturally, all sorts of thoughts started flooding my mind: what if he liked me? How would I handle things? Might I be feeling the same?
However, I felt strongly convicted not to indulge those thoughts. Not just because of some difference that I’m not sure I’d compromise on but due to the fact that the feelings actually weren’t real (PS: He actually looks quite good, is Spirit filled, with a heart after God’s own and would probably be a great guy to date, so of course I was tempted to think about it)

Okay, so you’re probably wondering why on earth I’d say they weren’t real yet I felt something. You see, this had happened to me before, more than once and I noticed that such instances were supposed to be a distraction that would eventually lead me into sexual sin. Plus it would occur whenever I was getting lazy spiritually. This time was no exception, my bible reading was wanting and my prayer life was fading to nonexistence.

Then another friend (guy J) happened to get dragged into this drama . I had this weird dream where guy J was trying to get cosy with me while saying how he was kinda jealous and not too happy about me and guy M since he didn’t want to share me. That was an absolutely absurd dream and I didn’t even bother to pray since I thought it was an extremely cheap tactic by the enemy to ensnare me, so I didn’t waste a second thinking of it. Nevertheless, it almost planted some strong desire in me and I kept fighting the urge to talk to them both that day.

The dream made me realise that the feelings that were trying to force themselves on me were false and a pathetic attempt to get me tripping spiritually. Any time accompanying thoughts would try to come, I’d cast them down immediately.

God had just taught me how not to entertain some thoughts. Remember how they say a thought leads to an action? Some times we indulge in thoughts that create feelings that didn’t exist and weren’t supposed to, then they get us in trouble. The devil will do anything to derail you and your mind is the best target because ultimately you become what you think.

So the next time you think you’re having a crush; first test to see where those emotions are from. If they’re not from God, then they’re from the spirit of Lust and one effective way to deal with that is to practice 2 Corinthians 10:5 and bring those thoughts captive.

“Throwing down imaginations and every high thing that is exalted against the knowledge of God, and bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ”