I stole the title of this post from a song by Sanctus Real that I’ve replayed countless times tonight. It fully captures the state I’m in. Let me begin by quoting part of the lyrics:
“Can I lose my need to impress?
If you want the truth I need to confess
I’m not alright, I’m broken inside
And all I go through, it leads me to you
It leads me to you…
Honestly, I’m not that strong…”
I’ve noticed a pattern in my recent posts, they’re written when I was very emotional and sound like something plucked out of a teenage girl’s journal.
Well last time, we agreed (me, myself and I) to blame it on the hormones and it looks like they still have to take one for the team again.
There’s a slaughter house right next to our block (don’t give me that look) and this is one night where I wish I could hear the sound of the cows because I sincerely don’t want any human voices reminding me how I’m alone. Sadly my apartment doesn’t face the cows, sigh.
Which means I’m still stuck with these emotions. They partly motivated me to start some serious house decor tonight (the creativity streak kicked in) but those same emotions disrupted my work. I was full of anxiety and some non existent heartbreak accompanied by it’s many cohorts.
My folly and probably rebellion got me here. This is what happens when you have a loving Heavenly Daddy who warns you of something but you think you know better. Now it hurts and I’m not sure how to start this conversation with Him. I want to drown in something (plenty of ice cream and loud music would be a good place to start), anything that will help me forget or make me feel better.
Maybe I’ll be okay after I’m done writing; maybe I’ll be okay tonight; maybe joy will come in the morning; maybe I’m okay despite everything… All in all, I have assurance that everything I go through leads me to God somehow.