I have innumerable things in my life currently that don’t seem to make sense. I feel like a character in my life who has no idea what the script looks like, not perfectly sure of what my role is, and even where I know what to do, I still don’t have the strength or motivation to get it done. I’m lying around, too weak to move. My heart feels exhausted and I’m not sure how I’ll get to the point where I can pour myself out in His presence to find rest and strength to fight all this.

It feels as though I’ve been hit from all sorts of angles and hit hard. If this is God letting me walk through fire that will refine me, then I can be in perfect peace, but if it’s due to my exposing myself to combat, then I seriously need to run back to safety. Now if only I knew which of the two relates to my current situation…

I honestly am tired, if given a chance, I’d stay curled up in bed all day alone and maybe take a long night walk on my own after I get tired of lying down. I want solitude and need a good session where all I feel can come out as a river of tears. At the same time, I’m afraid staying isolated will cause me to sink deeper into whatever this is.

Either way, I need help soonest, I can’t keep staying like this. My only, and greatest consolation is His ever constant presence. I feel Him with me in all this and He’s the reason this storm hasn’t broken me and torn me apart; He’s holding me in His peace.


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