Bum! Brrum! Brrrumble!!!!

Life is a dance and I am a dancer.
Dancing to my own rhythm has always been my preference
But life taught me otherwise

I didn’t like dancing to the rhythm of life like everyone
I believed I could create my own tunes
Tunes that resounded with who I was
The real me deep inside

But life dealt me hard blows
Made me subject to its own rhythm
Showed me the futility of my own tunes

So now I have learnt to tango
I only move according to the rhythm
Of each dancer I meet
I go according to their pace
Since mine own somehow leads to discord
Which ends up in pain and disappointment

It’s a sad affair this thing
It’s not my wish
But what can I do?
My heart is weary
So I’ll simply join the rhythm existing
The rhythm of life

Wounds of a Friend

This is a dedication to a friend who was bold enough to tell me things I neither wanted to hear nor pay attention to. A friend who’s made me remember the value of the piercing truth…

I have had my fair share of good friends over the years who I realised loved me more than they loved our friendship. They were willing to risk tantrums thrown by me or words I’d throw back in defence or even being avoided/unfriended because they knew I needed to hear the truth.

You see, I am pretty used to being the one giving everyone advice and dispensing the painful truth when required; but rarely am I on the receiving end.

So on Friday when my friend unceremoniously declared that he wanted to have a serious talk with me in the evening, I wasn’t sure what sort of lecture to expect. I couldn’t think of anything to warrant that lecture; the post on my ex that I’d just given him to read, didn’t sound like a good enough catalyst because it had been written 2 years ago.

Finally evening came and he told me quite a number of things, most of which you can be sure I didn’t like or I plainly disagreed with. However, all that sent my thoughts spiralling. It got me to see things that I’d missed through the years. They weren’t easy facts but I needed them.

That incident made me realise how precious friends like that are. It also reminded me of the proverb that says, ” Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy.” (Proverbs 27:6)

I guess this is my way of saying thank you for being real and treading on waters most people don’t dare venture into; I haven’t exactly been the easiest person to correct, so I get impressed when someone dares to somehow do that.

When Nothing (No one) Satisfies

Lately I’ve been grappling with feelings of being alone and lonely. There are times I’d be surrounded by people but still feel completely alone. This time it’s different, I am in actuality, alone.

I figured I’d do a post on how to be alone yet not be lonely. I was certain that’s where the solution lies; until a few minutes ago when I heard a song on radio that changed how I saw this whole situation.

I was busy lamenting to God about how I have no one who truly gets me; none who’s really there for me. I don’t think I have a support system or a guaranteed shoulder to lean on. Those who offer are either the ones I was separated from or the ones I know will listen but have enough other issues of their own so mine won’t get the priority I require now or they don’t comprehend me and this life of mine. In short, I’m on my own.

I recall telling God how if He’s behind this, then one of us has to do something urgently, in order for me to experience His love and friendship better. If He’s to be my satisfaction then I need to start seeing that manifesting.

That’s when the song came in and the message was clear: “You take me to the place where I know I need You, straight to the depths that I can’t handle on my own (it’s way beyond me)…”

Which means this entire thing is simply a sign that He’s given me far more than I can handle, just so that I constantly require Him; He’s made Himself indispensable! (Wise move right there)

Israel Houghton sums it up nicely in this line in one of his songs:
“Nothing in this world would satisfy, Jesus you’re the cup that won’t run dry…”

That just explains all the struggles we go through at times while seeking to belong or finding satisfaction in various things or people but never really getting what we need. It’s God’s way of saying that He’s the only One who can complete you and satiate your desires.

Changing Perspective

At this very moment, there are enough reasons for me to shrink into some corner or send me into depression.

Let’s start with the pile of dishes in the sink (I won’t say how long they’ve been there) that remind me of how I fall short of being the nice homemaker; we won’t even go to the laundry part. I’m tempted to give up and think that I’d never be good enough in this sector.

I can’t remember the last time I read despite having an entire workload from school. I’ve been sleeping too much and I’d even gone back to watching movies for hours. Yesterday I didn’t even go to class. This is now the third or fourth time I’ve skipped school. This time I blame it on cramps, oh the pain I’ve been through yesterday and partly today!

I’m in bed now with some pain trying to persist. I almost feel guilty for wanting to sleep. I am behind on my bible reading and the bible challenge I gave people to do, I failed at it terribly! I have too many undone or unfinished things. I haven’t even prepared for the Sunday school class I’m to teach tomorrow.

Emotionally, I’m not doing too good either. My ex texted me this week and I gladly replied. What followed was a stream of thoughts which are definitely not good for me, at some point I even contemplated hanging out with him. But I can’t go back, I’m not supposed to. If I do, I’ll mess my life in ways that would take too long to recover. I still can’t understand why this future husband isn’t appearing. I’m not saying I want to get married right away but I’m simply wondering where this guy is hidden because I need my emotions to settle.
I can’t forget to mention how this whole trying to eat healthy and lose weight hasn’t been working too well.

So yes, I’m not in the best shape spiritually, emotionally or physically but I refuse to let that put me down. I choose to shift my focus to things that are right like how God’s been miraculously providing for me these past few weeks, how He’s given me favour with people I didn’t expect, how things are aligning and most of all, how He still loves me in spite of everything.

Which reminds me of what God has to say about all this:

We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed [frustrated] but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed.
2 Corinthians 4:8-12 New Living Translation (NLT)

Then when I was badly beaten down, weak, in tears and feeling kinda depressed, He gave me two lines from Isaiah 41:10
Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you.

Therefore, I choose to change my perspective and see things differently. I will not lie down here and despair.