Can’t? Won’t? I don’t know

I feel like an addict; I’m not addicted but I feel like one.

You know how you know something is bad for you? How devastating its effects and how you desperately need to change that situation… but still you don’t.

You don’t or you can’t? I’m no longer sure which is which. I know that inside me is the capacity to stop this but I’m not sure I can.

Or maybe I’m just terrified of trying because the last time I tried, I still got back here. And the time before that and the time before that one too. So maybe I’m afraid that this time I might fail.

I ask myself how certain I am that I can do this. Looking at God, He’s looking at me with absolute certainty that I can. He believes in me but the problem is that my faith is wavering.

All I know is that I desperately need to get out of this. I feel like I’m drowning and I need to be rescued.

This void inside of me will not be filled with this thing that wants to be an addiction. Deep within, I realise this is just a symptom of something deeper. A craving; a yearning. This will not be satisfied by anything or anyone.

So I’ll slowly try to crawl to Him; albeit feebly, I will still reach out for Him. It may not be an easy process and might hurt real bad. There might be plenty of tears and battles within… but whatever it takes; I need to be taken out of this.

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