It occurred to me how I have a thing for broken people; they capture my attention very quickly. Most probably because I love fixing things… and people. I’d make it my business to help them heal, to mend them and to love on them. Then it dawned on me recently that maybe I like broken people because we’d focus so much on fixing them that they wouldn’t realise all my shortcomings. I’ve been aware of those and they sure are plenty! So I’d try to highlight my best aspects hoping people wouldn’t get past them and see the girl hiding with insecurities galore.
Why am I saying all this? Might be because sometime back, someone I’d been trying to figure if I had a crush on or not, opened up about a few things. It reminded me of how broken he is and got me thinking of how I was probably getting drawn to him because I am like a shark that can detect blood from afar. You see, wounded people attract equally wounded people or the kind that would wound them further.
Today, I’m learning that I no longer have to do this. I’ll leave broken people in God’s hands; He’s their healer, not me. Trying to get someone like him might eventually lead to me causing greater damage than what already existed.
I’m also learning that I’m healing better than I thought if I’ve gotten to this point where God could speak to me about this and I agree to let go. Normally, I’d throw a tantrum and insist on my way. I’d do a whole session of negotiation with God then eventually go ahead and do what I’d wanted initially. Maybe it was the pain that awaited, which drew me subconsciously. Yes, I unknowingly was attracted to pain. Could be because I was eager to feel something, anything; whatever emotion that would get me carried away, even if it would lead to pain.
So now, I’m sincerely done with all that hullabaloo. I have grown more patient (thankfully) and I refuse to chase after temporary highs provided by fascinating people who happen to be broken. I’ll interact with broken people with compassion because I acknowledge that I might just be as equally broken. I refuse to try to be their saviour while trying to satisfy my own selfish desires. The need to be needed and to be indispensable in their lives, is something I refuse to keep as my motivation. I will love them to the best of my ability but I no longer desire to heal them because I can’t do that.
Most of all, I have come to appreciate that my brokenness is worth addressing first. As Stasi Eldredge says, I am worth grieving! No more trying to mask this brokenness behind other people’s.
I’ll leave you with these words:
Bring your brokenness, and I’ll bring mine
‘Cause love can heal what hurt divides
And mercy’s waiting on the other side
If we’re honest…
(Francesca Battistelli- If we’re honest)