I’m not sure at what exact point this morning, my current reflections began. What I do remember is feeling very heartless and cold. I think I was trying to justify why I didn’t feel like doing a certain conversation. The excuses would be similar at different occasions: uh-uh, we’re not at that point where you know me well enough to be acting like we’re BFFs… I’m not sure I should be this friendly with you, we don’t want you getting the wrong message… I’m not sure I want you becoming more than an acquaintance, you don’t fit the description of the kind of friends I like… the list grows longer or simply gets adjusted accordingly in each situation.
Goodness, the arrogance, conceitedness and selfishness displayed! I was mortified when the mirror was placed to show my current state. Yes I’d noticed the telltale signs- being a little more impatient with people, being a lot more irritable and enough selfish actions. When confronted with such reality, I’d tell God how bad I feel for acting that way but that I honestly felt my love reserve was empty. Then things would be easily forgotten until the next incident.
So this morning while in bed and coming to terms with reality, a certain line from a song popped up in my head. “How did my heart become so lifeless and cold…”
I decided to put the song on replay until I felt something. After awhile, I figured I should embark on a journey, down memory lane, as I revisit moments that probably took bits or chunks of my heart. Maybe this will help me discover how I started losing my heart or if that heart actually existed in the first place.
This probably will translate to a series of posts (oh yes, I’ll flood your Reader or Timeline with stories). I choose raw honesty because I’d rather feel the pain than stuff it in some dark closet only for it to keep resurfacing at unexpected moments. Laying myself bare is petrifying and will probably reveal truths I’d never told those involved or the ones who were close to me. Either way, I think it’s a necessary journey.