It’s April 2013, I’m loving the break away from school. While my classmates are busy attending classes and reading for C.A.Ts, I’m having a splendid time at a Trainers workshop. A lovely room all to myself and sumptuous meals daily; I feel adequately spoilt!
I can’t remember at what point during the week I first noticed him. Well, as laid back as he was, somehow, for me he still stood out. Maybe because most of the other people were either far older or not the usual lot I’d be found hanging out with. I think the first time we talked was during a session when we happened to sit next to each other and we were required to draw the person we were seated with. Needless to say, he drew a stick (wo)man with the biggest head I’ve ever seen, Lol. I should have been offended but we laughed it off. At least we both had a sense of humour.
I became more fascinated with every interaction and every glance. I wanted to hang out with him a little more. The perfect opportunity came on the day before the workshop ended. I was asked to go buy gifts for the facilitators since one of them was leaving. I quickly suggested I get someone to drive me and of course suggested his name (should’ve seen how I tried to politely reject some other guy who was offering to take me).
So finally I get to have him take me but before I get all excited, he somehow strings along this beautiful lady from a neighbouring country. Sigh, all that effort only for me to end up being a third wheel!!!
Anyway, long story short, before the workshop ended, we exchanged numbers. As fate would have it (nah I don’t believe in fate), he forgot his HTC charger there and I happened to be the only person he knew would be in that area. I was attending a wedding there so I was delighted to be called to do that. Well, he somehow managed to eventually come over and we went to look for the charger together.
Fast forward to a few weeks later. We became friends and would talk daily. I loved the long phone calls and as expected, a crush developed. The more I knew him and the more we talked, the more I liked him. I wasn’t too sure how he felt.
You see, with him, I kept picking mixed signals. When I’d retreat, he’d look for me but this felt like a script right out of the movie ‘He’s just not that into you’. Apart from the one time we met and did a drive to some random place and talked until past sunset, he’d always seem to have a reason not to meet. I’d never understand how we were in the same city, talk daily but we wouldn’t meet.
I eventually got tired of feeling like I was being a little too much. Tired of feeling like I was forcing myself and feeling like the picture displayed was one of a desperate girl. My natural disposition to shower people with too much affection and attention, was beginning to look like an act of desperation. That’s where I began holding back.
To end the story, by the end of the year we’d stopped talking. For a long time I’d feel so stupid and foolish. I kept replaying all the mistakes I made. I started hating the person I felt I’d become during that year. I eventually got completely over him and all emotions faded. Thankfully, a friendship or pseudo friendship remained and we talk once in a blue moon, mostly about business. I didn’t remain with any bitterness against him; I probably was bitter against myself for a long time. But now I can sincerely laugh about it; maybe because I got over everything 2 years ago.
Well, the experience taught me a lot. That was the first time I discovered what emotional intimacy was and effects of that. This became one of the best lessons in life! Yeah, I still had other emotional intimacy experiences before and after that but this was the first time I’d paused to really think about it. I also got to know who an EUM was; an Emotionally Unavailable Man, and how I was easily drawn to such.
So yes, this probably counts as a notable event in the journey back to my heart.
PS: I should end this with a note to the guy featured… Hey, I probably should have told you all this a long time ago, Lol, I truly intended to! It was to be among my initial posts in 2014. Sorry for springing this surprise, but I will buy you coffee and laugh at all this 🙂 😉