How we Got Here

A recent interaction with my ex led me down memory lane. The entire experience was a reminder of everything I had walked away from but was still available to go back to. I knew it was completely out of bounds albeit a very tempting ‘out of bounds’ situation.
Which had me thinking of why I left in the first place. This was one of those break ups where none of us fought, disagreed or had any issue whatsoever. It wasn’t also one of those, “it’s not you, it’s me” kinda break up.

I remember explaining on phone how I was going through a spiritual journey which I had to do alone and couldn’t drag him. That was me trying to sugarcoat the actual reality; I was reconnecting with God and I knew dating a non believer wasn’t going to work. He said something I never forgot because it’s a perfect example of how chivalry is alive: “I am the one who asked you to be my girlfriend and I agreed to do it for better or for worse. This is one of those worse situations, so it’s okay…”

The tears that followed were mainly because I felt horrible. I was the girl who agreed to date a nonbeliever knowing well that it would bring problems but I was feeling betrayed by God and Christian men in general, at that time. I felt it was unfair to have built something only to rip it apart. I had made promises which I ultimately broke when ending the relationship. Most of all it felt cruel to break up with someone while he was out at war.
Which begs the question, why did I even date him in the first place. Well, in that period, I witnessed 3 relationships that I esteemed highly, break up. They were Christian men who I really respected and one of them was used as an example of the type of guy I’d actually want. Then all 3 crumbled at around the same time. All 3 had gotten to the level of engagement and one was even a month away from the wedding. The common denominator was that the men were the ones who shattered the hearts of the ladies involved. It left me feeling cheated. I asked God why I had been waiting patiently for such men if they were going to turn out just like the unsaved guys or the ones who were in church but not serious. This was the first thing that set the stage in motion.

The second one had to do with a guy I’d been in a situationship with. I told you about the radio presenter and how that ended. So this happened still within the same period when the 3 break ups occurred. I was hurt and looking for a way to get over him. I took advantage of the fact that he’d travelled outside the country for business. The only problem was that every time I was on Facebook (which was a lot of times! Blame it on free WiFi), his name would be right at the top of the chat list. We’d grown accustomed to talking practically the entire time we were online. So now I had to figure out a way to survive online without yielding to the urge to initiate the conversation.

Then just when I needed the distraction, my ex said hi. I didn’t know who he was at first and would have automatically ignored him because he didn’t even have his photo posted. He quickly introduced himself and I realised he was someone I knew from 5-6 years ago. I was excited to reconnect and thus began our chatting. He was coming back to the country and we planned to meet up.

Let’s just say I was blown away by the man he’d become. I enjoyed hanging out and talking. That’s when I started asking myself why I’d say no to him in case he asked me out. I liked him and the only objection would be the fact that he wasn’t saved. Suddenly, everything happening around me worked to his advantage. I told God that if Christian men were that disappointing then I didn’t see why I’d turn down a guy who wasn’t saved but still knew God. After that, I deliberately refused to discuss the whole thing with God. I knew what He’d say and I didn’t want to hear it.

That’s how on that last Sunday of February, on a lovely evening, he went down on his knee to ask me to be his girlfriend and I said yes… Well, that of course didn’t last long. He went away less than a week after that and God caught up with me immediately. The rest was well documented on this blog (Lol).

I regretted dragging an innocent person through such drama but all the same, I don’t believe in coincidences. I gave my heart at that time and had one of the best practical lessons on how to be loved. It was the first time I got to grasp the concept of unconditional love. Well, not that the relationship gave me exactly that but I saw how it’s possible for a flawed person to be loved and the said flaws be something someone else actually liked.


One thought on “How we Got Here

  1. Pingback: Brush Strokes of Reality | Diary of A Loved Black Woman

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