December 23rd, 2016
Lessons from the bar exams:
The impossible is possible with God- first it is impossible, then it is difficult then it is done. Everything at that point screamed impossible- I sincerely hadn’t read, I would quit every single night and every morning, I was sick most days (food poisoning twice, stomach issues from here to Timbuktu, cramps and related complications etc) and I generally wasn’t prepared for it.
You need people… daily, without fail, in fact twice a day, mum and my twinie would call or text. They pushed me, prayed for me and encouraged me; they refused to allow me to quit. Each day they dealt with my pessimism, despair, anxiety and depression. I’d have given up right at the start or long before the beginning. Then there were also texts and prayers from friends and family. My family would pray for me every time they had their evening devotion and my Friends would also remember me in the same.
God is my absolute everything. I’m not even sure I have words to describe who He is to me. He’s been my rock, anchor, the core that supports my everything, my biggest cheerleader, the One who fights for me, pursues me relentlessly, understands me the most, bears with me, forgives me the most, loves me like crazy, sees past the things that marr my life, my hope… this list is not ending anytime soon. He’s picked me up countless times and when I didn’t want to get up, He’d sit there with me first before lifting me. He constantly is there to remind me who I am even when I don’t feel like it (which is most times). He’s a Father who surpasses any that I’ve seen. He loves me in ways that wreck me. Without Him, I sincerely would never hack this life. He proved it for the two weeks I did those exams.
I’ve held this unhealthy notion that I was the girl who had unlimited potential but who doesn’t live up to it. I knew that any time I’d start something or embark on anything, I’d not have what it takes to see it through. Reminds me of a party I had before joining campus, while everyone had great advice on how I should carry myself while there or what to watch out for, my mum simply told me to ensure I make it to the end. All she wanted was to see me finish that quest. Well, it gave me quite some motivation. Anytime I felt I’d failed badly, I remembered that all she expected was my finishing this. So as badly beaten as I was, I still made it out alive but with grades I’m not proud of.
So this has influenced greatly, how I see myself. I honestly doubted my ability to even do the bar exams. I was ready to defer some units but my mother would hear none of that. Daily I’d wake up planning to defer but somehow I wouldn’t. I was reminded that my battle wasn’t in how I’d do those exams but my battle was in showing up. True enough, the resistance I’d face daily was in showing up. So after encouragement, I showed up each day. Each day was hard; the hardest two days was when I was so unwell that I left the exam room an hour before time and the time I had my second bout of food poisoning. The food poisoning had ensured I was unable to read and sleep. I woke up staring at the reality that there was no way I’d manage to leave my bed, much less the house. That paper needed me to have crammed a lot and have done enough practice of accounts; I’d done neither. I was sure this was the final blow and everyone would understand if I quit. Somehow, I received encouragement and I told God that unprepared as I was, if He helped me get to the exam room, I’d sit for that paper. He did exactly that and a tad more. I stayed the whole 3 hours doing that paper and had such peace and comfort; it was a miracle. I still don’t understand how I made it to the end but God used that to show me how I actually can make it to do things and complete them.
The entire exam season was nothing short of a miracle and I saw those miracles daily. I’m in awe and still feeling overwhelmed.