My Goodbye (again)

Staring at the phone and part of me wants to enjoy the conversation but the other part of me knows I’ve been here one too many times. It’s not like it will end any better. I’ll be excited for some time; of course conversations with you are worth having, but at what price will I keep doing this? I’m done.

I know I said that last time. Said it yesterday when I was telling myself I’m done for good. Said it every time I deleted your number. Goodness, I even lost count of the number of times I deleted that number of yours! Erased too many messages; wiped off any evidence of conversations with you. Even call logs so that I wouldn’t retrieve your number when I got tempted to call.

Then all it would take is one phone call or a single message. Excitement would flood in at the thought of meaningful conversation. I’d tell myself that I’d actually missed talking to you. Well, of course conversation has always been my Achilles’ heel. Words somehow get to me easily. I should have known better. Come to think of it; hasn’t that been the genesis of every situationship I can remember?

But this time round, I’m determined to walk away. My heart won’t like it but I know what’s best for it and this isn’t. I can’t keep setting myself up for disappointment. Can’t allow my heart to take any more punches. It doesn’t matter what this is; my emotions are done with the roller-coaster rides. I can’t keep enjoying the thrill of taking my heart out on the cliff hoping to fly only to crash into the valley. I can’t deal with anticipointment one more time.

Don’t worry, this isn’t your fault; well maybe like 25%. This was me staring at a fire and being overly confident thinking the flames wouldn’t touch me. This was me on one one of those thrill seeking adventures and venturing further than I ought to. This was me having seen warning signs but trying to see how far I’d go before getting caught. I saw you taking measures to stop me from harming myself. I saw you sober and avoiding anything that would encourage me. I saw your wisdom in trying to not do or say things that would give me wrong impressions; false hopes. I saw all that but I think I was addicted to pain and had missed that high.

We all grow up at some point. We all have our breaking points. We all know when enough is enough. This is where I am. Ready to give up instant gratification and cheap thrills. Ready to move to places where I’ll be appreciated and loved. Ready to trade my brokenness for wholeness no matter how much pain that will inflict initially. Ready to surrender expectations and dreams for reality.

This is me saying goodbye again; and hopefully never to return.


Eyes on 97

It’s lunchtime and I am hardly excited about it. Not because I’m not hungry but because I’ve been dealing with this persistent nausea all day. Who knew something seemingly small can cause this much trouble? I’ve been trying my usual remedy and it’s not helping much; I can’t even remember the number of pellets of menthol gum I’ve chewed so far (Wrigley’s should hire me as their brand ambassador).

I’m having one of those I’m-completely-fed-up-being-sick moments. Sick and tired of dealing with similar issues day in day out. If you’ve been in a similar predicament then you know how tiring it is to be stuck with something for a long time when you can’t completely get rid of it. And no, I’m not talking about pregnancy; though maybe pregnant ladies can relate.

These are the kind of days I gather enough questions to ask God and it flows over from the health drama to everything else. That’s how I found myself having a conversation with Him on why my life isn’t as straight forward and easier to figure like many people. It doesn’t help that I have absolutely no clue what I’ll be doing in about 5 months after I’m done working here.

I have all these varied ideas and passions and plans, but can’t seem to figure how to merge them just yet or where to begin. This mostly leaves me feeling overwhelmed by how much I aspire to do vis-a-vis the little I’ve actually attempted. Then I crawl back into my shell and wallow in feelings of failure. When I try to crawl back, I’m reminded of how old I am yet I’m still in a position that people 2-4 years younger than be, ought to be in. I don’t even bother comparing myself with my peers ’cause that would be depressing.

My one consolation and greatest hope is that I am right where He knew I’d be and going through things He allowed in His wisdom. The best part about knowing that the One working behind the scenes in everything is Someone who loves you insanely, is the realisation that He has a pretty good reason, has my best interests at heart and is working everything for my good.

For example, I may have all these ambitious plans that seem too far fetched or scattered, and it feels unfair that I have to have a harder time than most people figuring it all out; but boy am I glad to know the amount of growth that will happen as a result!

All the health drama has taught me how to slow down and appreciate life. What started by turning me into a constant complainer ’cause I always had health problems daily; eventually taught me how to be grateful for the 97 things that are not wrong when 3 bad ones taunt me. I have learnt grace. Learnt how to empathise with people a lot more. Learnt how to appreciate problem-free days. Learnt how to be keen on detecting if someone wasn’t okay.Most of all, I have learnt resilience and how to keep moving when beaten down or worn.

So yes, I’d still easily trade off this malfunctioning digestive system just to get rid of this nausea, but in the meantime, I’ll keep living and keep trying to enjoy the rest of the day. I’ll take my eyes off the 3 and focus on 97.

The Whirlwind… Part 1

The past weekend was a whirlwind of activity and emotions! I am not even sure I have recovered… and by weekend I mean some 24 hours or so of it. All I’d expected was a road trip out of town as we went for a thanksgiving party for my friend, Missy, who just got admitted to the Bar.

For most of the journey heading there, we were engrossed in conversation and laughter. Managed to get some time to talk with God. Had this feeling which gave me chills about us crashing and kept seeing all the ways we’d possibly get into that accident.

Then my fears came true; well not for us though but a vehicle that rammed straight into a truck right next to us. I remember that bang so clearly and the way my heart almost stopped. Rushing out of our car to go check on the people who were there. Panic mode. Praying with some ladies who were in shock and crying. Trying to see how we could help. Seeing a guy I was sure would not make it out with his lower limbs, being taken out with his legs intact.

We had to leave soon after because we were very late for the event and we had the girl everyone was waiting for. I was left feeling a bit confused: wanting to absorb what just occurred but distracted by the urgency of our getting to the destination. Car we were in stalled just before we got to Missy’s home. Another one came for us and the celebrations began.

There was too much to soak in at that event. The importance of family and community. The centrality of God and prayer. The beauty of our life journeys. After speeches that had me meditating on so much, we found ourselves distracted by selfies and photo shoots.

Three of us girls retreated to Missy’s room. In between girl talk and being on phone chatting, my dad called. Then casually, Miss Kay asks if I know a certain guy she’s chatting with. I smile and can’t believe it. I tell her to say hi and figure he should break the news to her. He does. She’s baffled to say the least. Just then I remember my dad mentioned he was in the kitchen with a certain guy as he called me: the guy is her ex! So here she was chatting with my ex, M, while I’d been on phone with my dad who was cooking late lunch with her ex. I mean, how weird can life get!!!

That evening had us do plenty of reminiscing and discussing stories about us and guys who’d featured in our lives. I was really glad to have gotten M’s number because I owed him an apology and had been looking for him for months.

The Whirlwind… Part 2

Next day began beautifully with group breakfast accompanied by words of wisdom by Missy’s grandpa and aunt. I loved that session. We were sent off with enough goodies by Missy’s mum complete with money for our lunch.

The trip back was absolute fun. Stopping for shopping in new places, me getting a whole bunch of banana and feeling ecstatic (I am such a monkey), stopping to see the home of Ms. Ess. Having fun at their farm. Harvesting avocados, going to see the river at the edge of their compound and checking out coffee berries. Lunch at Bombay (Lol, you’d think I was in India and not a barbecue joint). Plenty of detours and seeing breath-taking places. Tea and cake at Missy’s place because she insisted. Me shopping for a few things in her house. Finally dropped right outside my place.

Evening turned out to be a chapter closing session. Did two letters to my ex M, and the high school sweetheart, A. Had a conversation with M where we finally got to have the conversation that never happened ages ago and I got the closure I needed. I sent A his letter but we didn’t talk after that. I also closed a chapter I’m sincerely hoping is closed for good because it’s caused me adequate emotional turmoil.

With all that happened, I will most likely require some days to process each item, one at a time. I definitely got much more than I anticipated and I am more than grateful.

To The Heart I Broke

It’s been a couple of years, I probably should begin by saying hi: so hi, how’ve you been?

Like I said, it’s been a couple of years and this letter may not make much sense. We both grew up and have had a whole lifetime since then. However, this weekend had me thinking about my past and I remembered you.

High school was quite something, wasn’t it? You featured through most of those years. It was such an on and off thing. Of course it was, I was such a selfish being (still am several times) and the world revolved around me. I’d call it quits when I was done or bored and you’d come back somehow.

My excuse: discovering some lies on your end and the fact that I’d get bored too easily, coupled with how I didn’t take things seriously back then. After everything, you said I’d broken your heart and how other girls would more or less pay for it. I felt bad and guilt hanged  around for a while. But then I wasn’t sure if you were serious.

I still am uncertain about the consequences of my selfish attitude. It was eons ago and it most likely had little impact… but just in case a wound was created; healed or not, scar or none; I hope this small gesture helps.

This is me saying sorry for everything. For each time you really went out of your way and I took little notice. For you having put yourself out there and I scorned it. For any pain if any was occasioned. For any action that may have affected how you saw or treated ladies from then. For whatever little or not so little impact it had.

It’s been eons but it’s never too late to apologise. I came to learn how powerful something as simple as ‘sorry’ is. So this is me years later finally doing what ought to have been done.

The Apology Long Overdue

Let me start by saying that I honestly searched for your number or any contacts anywhere but didn’t succeed. Combed right through social media but that wasn’t really your thing so it’s no surprise I failed at that too. I did this probably last year or the year before.

You’re probably wondering why on earth I’d bother; so allow me to explain. The past 2-3 years gave me enough time for introspection and the more God worked on my heart, the more I saw how messed up it was. That wasn’t the end, God began showing me how that had affected people around me and you happen to be part of it.

It’s been around 6 and a half years. I was pleasantly surprised when I discovered a mutual friend is a dear friend to you (she’s such an amazing person, ain’t she?). I’m glad that happened because I finally got your number. Been toying with the idea of calling you but figured my speech would be less awkward when written.

I look back and see such a selfish girl who somehow ended up with a guy she didn’t deserve. I realised we never really got to sit and talk about it. My version all along was that my going to campus caused a strain and we drifted apart slowly but there are always two sides of a story and I never got to know yours.

Every time I remember back then, I see selfishness written all across. I liked you and you liked me (or so I hoped); you were hesitant, I pushed. I kept thinking in hindsight that maybe you weren’t ready but I persisted. You said back then you didn’t deserve me yet I was sure I was the one getting way more than I should have.  It felt like I was the one supposed to be feeling that because you were much more than you saw through your eyes.
I got to campus and yes things were busier but I should have made you enough of a priority to do more calls and texts during the day. I’d reply or call back in the evening armed with airtime ready to do our usual long conversations but I wouldn’t understand why you didn’t respond with the same enthusiasm. Of course I was too self-centred to notice that I’d made everything revolve around my schedule or convenience. When things eventually got too strained I didn’t fight hard enough.

I was selfish and you got caught up in all that. I felt bad about it but realised I never came to formally apologise. I probably had a good opportunity during my graduation party. Goodness, I don’t even know how you agreed to emcee at that party! I didn’t deserve that and you deserved so much gratitude for coming through. I left that evening in such a hurry, I can’t remember if I ever thanked you or did a follow-up call. I was grateful but maybe too caught up in the world that revolved around me to do a proper thank you and maybe taken that time to have apologised.

This is too many years too late, nevertheless, I had to do this. Sorry for my conceited actions. Sorry for not having treated you like you truly deserved. Sorry for never considering the impact my actions had. Sorry for not being sorry enough then. Sorry for not appreciating you enough. Sorry for anything you know that I haven’t even addressed. Sorry for showing up with this when your life already moved on. And sorry for this because it’s a little awkward (maybe a lot more than that).

PS: I had to post on this online journal I keep because I’m hoping it will have a few lessons for people to glean and that my mistakes will prevent one or two persons from making the same.

Hi Beautiful

I have this song on replay that probably would have the usual religious lot throwing stones at me; but allow me to share:

If perfect’s what you’re searching for, then just stay the same
So don’t even bother asking if you look okay
You know I’ll say

When I see your face
There’s not a thing that I would change
‘Cause girl you’re amazing
Just the way you are

And when you smile
The whole world stops and stares for a while
‘Cause girl, you’re amazing
Just the way you are

 Bruno Mars – Just The Way You Are Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Oh goodness, I find it hard to explain how I can’t wipe this smile off my face. The more I listen to those lyrics, the more the truth of how beautiful I am washes over my soul. The reality that I truly am fearfully and wonderfully made, sinks in deeper.

See lately, I feel like God’s been drawing up all sorts of people to remind me just how precious and beautiful I am. This would sound like a show off to someone who doesn’t understand why this means so much to me. Last year has to have been the worst for me in terms of how I saw myself.

I beat myself up more than I’d care to admit (not physically of course). I hated  loathed who I was and who I’d become. I’d look at the mirror and wonder who on earth that was. I felt like crap and no amount of makeup helped. I’d look at photos I’d taken of me and think of what a lie I portrayed. I looked nothing like the beautiful girl I’d see.

I remember two people, men to be precise, who became highlights in that journey. Both were guys who hadn’t met me in person. First guy asked to meet me and insecurities galore arose! I have no idea why, but I kept thinking he’d despise the person I was. Either way, I gathered up enough courage to show up and sure enough, my expectations were met. I felt rejection and pure conceit from him. I was quite glad when that acquaintanceship ended just as promptly as it began.

Second guy, whoa, where do I even begin. The guy was someone I thought was quite something. His heart for God, love for people and broken as he was, I still thought his personality was wonderful. Interactions with him were nothing close to my experience with the previous guy. However, as good as our friendship turned out, it unearthed insecurities I didn’t even think I possessed. I remember the time I realised I’d started liking him, I immediately had those feelings curtailed by reality. Which reality for me was that, nothing could ever happen. Main issue was the people who surrounded him: he had innumerable ladies who were the perfect combination of beauty and skills/brains. The kind of ladies that were talented and were doing something about it. Which ultimately reminded me of how I was doing nothing with all the capabilities I had.

Suddenly, comparison crept in and I felt like I couldn’t compete; couldn’t match. I was far from adequate and was definitely not worth  noticing. With all the self-loathing and body image issues I was having; I felt inferior and decided to retreat. What was the point? The guy deserved one of those phenomenal ladies from his bevy of beauties. The more I interacted with him, the more the insecurities would gnaw at me.

Well, I’m glad the story changed because right now, I cringe as I read what I’m writing. God stepped in and used all possible avenues. A random text from my baby girl reminding me how beautiful and amazing I am. A lesson or two (okay, way more than that) from YouTube. Compliments from people. A random passenger in a car that was passing as I was crossing the road, telling me how good I looked. Songs that would spew out the same truths. A text from a close friend saying how I was very beautiful and very wise (this one almost had me crying). All the above until I began believing it.

So yes, now you get why this song has me smiling endlessly. To any of you feeling something close to anything I did (and at times still battle with), I pray that you’ll be reminded of how precious and beautiful you are. I pray that your value will be revealed until you accept it. Most of all, I pray for God’s love to embrace you, overwhelm you and break you free from all the lies you’ve believed about yourself.