I have this song on replay that probably would have the usual religious lot throwing stones at me; but allow me to share:
If perfect’s what you’re searching for, then just stay the same
So don’t even bother asking if you look okay
You know I’ll say
When I see your face
There’s not a thing that I would change
‘Cause girl you’re amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile
The whole world stops and stares for a while
‘Cause girl, you’re amazing
Just the way you are
Oh goodness, I find it hard to explain how I can’t wipe this smile off my face. The more I listen to those lyrics, the more the truth of how beautiful I am washes over my soul. The reality that I truly am fearfully and wonderfully made, sinks in deeper.
See lately, I feel like God’s been drawing up all sorts of people to remind me just how precious and beautiful I am. This would sound like a show off to someone who doesn’t understand why this means so much to me. Last year has to have been the worst for me in terms of how I saw myself.
I beat myself up more than I’d care to admit (not physically of course). I
hated loathed who I was and who I’d become. I’d look at the mirror and wonder who on earth that was. I felt like crap and no amount of makeup helped. I’d look at photos I’d taken of me and think of what a lie I portrayed. I looked nothing like the beautiful girl I’d see.
I remember two people, men to be precise, who became highlights in that journey. Both were guys who hadn’t met me in person. First guy asked to meet me and insecurities galore arose! I have no idea why, but I kept thinking he’d despise the person I was. Either way, I gathered up enough courage to show up and sure enough, my expectations were met. I felt rejection and pure conceit from him. I was quite glad when that acquaintanceship ended just as promptly as it began.
Second guy, whoa, where do I even begin. The guy was someone I thought was quite something. His heart for God, love for people and broken as he was, I still thought his personality was wonderful. Interactions with him were nothing close to my experience with the previous guy. However, as good as our friendship turned out, it unearthed insecurities I didn’t even think I possessed. I remember the time I realised I’d started liking him, I immediately had those feelings curtailed by reality. Which reality for me was that, nothing could ever happen. Main issue was the people who surrounded him: he had innumerable ladies who were the perfect combination of beauty and skills/brains. The kind of ladies that were talented and were doing something about it. Which ultimately reminded me of how I was doing nothing with all the capabilities I had.
Suddenly, comparison crept in and I felt like I couldn’t compete; couldn’t match. I was far from adequate and was definitely not worth noticing. With all the self-loathing and body image issues I was having; I felt inferior and decided to retreat. What was the point? The guy deserved one of those phenomenal ladies from his bevy of beauties. The more I interacted with him, the more the insecurities would gnaw at me.
Well, I’m glad the story changed because right now, I cringe as I read what I’m writing. God stepped in and used all possible avenues. A random text from my baby girl reminding me how beautiful and amazing I am. A lesson or two (okay, way more than that) from YouTube. Compliments from people. A random passenger in a car that was passing as I was crossing the road, telling me how good I looked. Songs that would spew out the same truths. A text from a close friend saying how I was very beautiful and very wise (this one almost had me crying). All the above until I began believing it.
So yes, now you get why this song has me smiling endlessly. To any of you feeling something close to anything I did (and at times still battle with), I pray that you’ll be reminded of how precious and beautiful you are. I pray that your value will be revealed until you accept it. Most of all, I pray for God’s love to embrace you, overwhelm you and break you free from all the lies you’ve believed about yourself.