The Apology Long Overdue

Let me start by saying that I honestly searched for your number or any contacts anywhere but didn’t succeed. Combed right through social media but that wasn’t really your thing so it’s no surprise I failed at that too. I did this probably last year or the year before.

You’re probably wondering why on earth I’d bother; so allow me to explain. The past 2-3 years gave me enough time for introspection and the more God worked on my heart, the more I saw how messed up it was. That wasn’t the end, God began showing me how that had affected people around me and you happen to be part of it.

It’s been around 6 and a half years. I was pleasantly surprised when I discovered a mutual friend is a dear friend to you (she’s such an amazing person, ain’t she?). I’m glad that happened because I finally got your number. Been toying with the idea of calling you but figured my speech would be less awkward when written.

I look back and see such a selfish girl who somehow ended up with a guy she didn’t deserve. I realised we never really got to sit and talk about it. My version all along was that my going to campus caused a strain and we drifted apart slowly but there are always two sides of a story and I never got to know yours.

Every time I remember back then, I see selfishness written all across. I liked you and you liked me (or so I hoped); you were hesitant, I pushed. I kept thinking in hindsight that maybe you weren’t ready but I persisted. You said back then you didn’t deserve me yet I was sure I was the one getting way more than I should have.  It felt like I was the one supposed to be feeling that because you were much more than you saw through your eyes.
I got to campus and yes things were busier but I should have made you enough of a priority to do more calls and texts during the day. I’d reply or call back in the evening armed with airtime ready to do our usual long conversations but I wouldn’t understand why you didn’t respond with the same enthusiasm. Of course I was too self-centred to notice that I’d made everything revolve around my schedule or convenience. When things eventually got too strained I didn’t fight hard enough.

I was selfish and you got caught up in all that. I felt bad about it but realised I never came to formally apologise. I probably had a good opportunity during my graduation party. Goodness, I don’t even know how you agreed to emcee at that party! I didn’t deserve that and you deserved so much gratitude for coming through. I left that evening in such a hurry, I can’t remember if I ever thanked you or did a follow-up call. I was grateful but maybe too caught up in the world that revolved around me to do a proper thank you and maybe taken that time to have apologised.

This is too many years too late, nevertheless, I had to do this. Sorry for my conceited actions. Sorry for not having treated you like you truly deserved. Sorry for never considering the impact my actions had. Sorry for not being sorry enough then. Sorry for not appreciating you enough. Sorry for anything you know that I haven’t even addressed. Sorry for showing up with this when your life already moved on. And sorry for this because it’s a little awkward (maybe a lot more than that).

PS: I had to post on this online journal I keep because I’m hoping it will have a few lessons for people to glean and that my mistakes will prevent one or two persons from making the same.

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