Dear Chocolate Fudge Cake Lover

I must admit, doing anything productive in the office today has been near impossible. Anytime I try to concentrate for long enough, my mind finds itself wandering…again. The unknown causes such anxiety, maybe they should have had live updates being given straight from that theatre to calm those of us waiting eagerly.

I’ve been trying to think of what it’s like for you and I can’t even imagine. You’ve been through enough already. I don’t know what manner of thoughts you’d require to keep yourself distracted while lying on that table. Let me just say that your strength is admirable; whether you’re well aware of it or not.

I know the only promises I could make included the chocolate fudge cake and a nice home-cooked meal someday but I have made a lot more to God, trust me. I have begged, pleaded and even made outright demands; whatever it took to ensure you’d get out fine and have a much faster recovery. Basically, I have prayed until I am out of words. I sincerely haven’t had conversations with God about anyone my entire life as much as I’ve had concerning you. Yes ever since you broke the news and long before that.

I am just one out of countless people who are busy praying and waiting; all vouching for you. Your family is probably bearing the heaviest part of this and the people who love you. You are surrounded by so much love, I hope this acted as all the evidence you ever needed.

By the time you get to read this, you’ll probably be out of hospital and life will have moved on a little. I don’t know what it’s like to have gone through what you did and I will never attempt to make any assumptions. But one thing I suspect is that those physical scars are not the only scars you’ll be carrying.

Allow yourself to go through all the motions. It’s okay to not be okay. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone and that means your healing is yours to walk through and your journey shouldn’t be rushed by anyone including yourself. It’s okay to accept help and to allow people to lavish you with love, attention and affection; their intentions shouldn’t worry you much. It’s also perfectly fine to celebrate small steps. There are things you used to do effortlessly but now are quite a task; allow yourself to celebrate each progress even when it feels like it’s not noteworthy. Slow down a little and get to enjoy each seemingly ordinary moment in life.

There’s so much more to say but I’m a bunch of nerves and the knots in my tummy are tying my words as well. See you soon, hopefully by then all this worrying would have subsided and I’ll talk better.

Do get better soon.

With lots of care & concern,

Me

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Sunshine on a Cloudy Day

It was a gloomy day which perfectly befitted the moment because we were going to bury someone dearly beloved. I was wearing the black dress I bought (whose length I’d immediately had reduced, Lol) and a new purple trench coat. Along the way some car got stuck in the mud or something but all I remember was that the funeral concession stopped and we had a chance to interact with people. I saw him. Heart almost stopped.

Of course he’d be here, this wasn’t something he’d missed. I think I was beginning to like him a lot more than I’d cared to admit. We talked briefly and you can bet my heart did a few of those flip flops. That didn’t last for long, soon we were back to our cars. I seem to briefly recollect introducing him to my parents; he must have been in the company of my cousins because I’d be committing suicide if I had dared to bring him over alone.

Eventually we get to the burial site. It was still cloudy and quite cold. I had done enough crying for several days so by this time, I was far stronger. I don’t like crying in public, so any emotions were shoved aside; all except one.

He was mostly right at the front taking photos alongside many others, but of course my attention was solely pegged on him. I had people to talk to and followed proceedings so it would sober me for a while before I’d steal a glance and be adequately distracted. I looked around me and noticed there was a bevy of beauties everywhere my eyes could see. Sigh, who was I kidding? A guy like him drew too much attention and there was no way I’d get his.

This crazy fog set in just as the family was heading to the grave site. People started rushing to their cars and choppers because the diminished visibility would be an issue. I had to go find my parents because I was to travel back to the city that same day.

He found me before I could trace my parents. He tells me to wait because he was trying to see if he could get me a vehicle going straight back. I’m guessing he planned to travel with me. Oh a girl had to be flattered by that display of chivalry! Unfortunately, he didn’t succeed but told me that whoever arrived first would wait for the other. I got there first.

I waited for forever! He kept apologising and I understood because he was at someone else’s mercy. After what seemed like hours (well less than an hour) he got there and ice cream followed. Long story short, he took me back to our hostels and stayed for a while to talk. Being the gentleman he is, he handed over the ice cream he bought for himself when my friends got there (yes, I love my friends tremendously but no, I don’t love them enough to share my ice cream).

Of course he’s always been a gentleman of sorts. From the first time we met, I noticed that chivalry. I was fascinated by his vast knowledge and travels. I love people who are well read or travelled. We got along quite well and I loved those conversations. He once got me a very beautiful yet simple bracelet in my favourite colour. I was swooned!

This story doesn’t have a happy ending and it’s worse because it was my fault. Oh goodness, I liked the guy! But then that whole faith thing came up and my unequally yoked lessons wouldn’t give me peace. I’d noticed how much he liked me but I had to kill it. So I withdrew and cut off communication. That was cruel and it hurt me badly, but I had to do it because if I allowed it to go on longer, the heartbreak would have been very ugly!

Rejection

It is almost impossible not to think about this word because my world right now is flooded by reminders. Rejection. One word, innumerable effects.

My devotion this morning had me reflecting on things that wounded me emotionally. This drew up quite a number of memories. Last night, the same thing happened and I found myself asking God to have any of the bits of my heart that were still hurt. From friendships that ended and left with chunks of my heart to guys who whether dating or not, left with bits of my soul. From disappointments and anticipointments, to moments that were beautifully high but left me broken the minute things crumbled.

The other trigger was a TED talk I watched on 100 days of rejection that encouraged those of us who’ve felt the sting of rejection enough to make us hide in our cocoon, to expose ourselves to that very feeling. The point wasn’t to get you wounded further or get you hooked to pain. The activity is premised on the fact that the more you expose yourself to rejection, the less it hurts and eventually, you become immune to it. I won’t lie, this sounded exciting; I mean, who wouldn’t want to be immune to rejection? I considered trying it for 30 days and each day I would go request something that I knew would be outrightly rejected (maybe asking for a raise from my boss should have been my starting point, Lol).

When I thought about it, I agreed with several of the things stated on that talk. Most of us fear rejection because of our perceived reaction by the person bound to reject us. We come up with all sorts of reasons why we were rejected: I wasn’t good enough, she’d never accept a guy like me, I am not his type, I am not good enough for this position, they don’t usually consider people like me, it’s because of my background… and on and on we’ll go. However, we’ll never know unless we ask. The guy giving the talk one day knocked on a random door and asked to go plant a flower in the person’s backyard. Of course his offer was rejected and he had all sorts of ideas as to why plus had begun beating himself up for this. Then he decided to ask the person why he refused his offer and turns out he had a dog that uproots things in the backyard so he didn’t want to waste the guy’s flower but he referred him to a lady who loved flowers. Not surprising, the lady was ecstatic about his offer and accepted.

This morning, one of the first things that met me on Facebook was an article shared explaining how guys break the hearts of girls even when they were not dating. This I easily relate with! From my own experiences and those of my friends; in fact if I had a dime for each time this occurred, I’d be a pretty rich woman right now! All the friendships where the guy was sweet, always listening, always there for you, crosses oceans for you, is your go-to guy for everything, always telling you how beautiful you are, willingly stating how much you are missed every so often and practically acting like a boyfriend without the title. Then you fall for him only to realise it wasn’t mutual or discover he started dating some other girl. Rejection stares at you with its big ugly eyes again.

It’s never a funny thing to hope and miss; to put your best effort and be met with a no; to invest so much only for things to fail; to try even against all hope and still be disappointment. It kills something inside of you each time and you either end up shut tightly away from anything threatening or masking your wounds and constantly portraying a picture perfect you. None of that helps and eventually you’ll see that healing is necessary.

Healing starts with exposing your wounds bit by bit, by choosing to step out and try again even when you’re scared. Most of all the ultimate remedy lies with the Maker of our hearts. He knows exactly how that wound came, what shape it took and how to heal it effectively. He breathes onto those wounds, pours out His liquid love to wash them and holds us gently until we’re well.

My Goodbye (again)

Staring at the phone and part of me wants to enjoy the conversation but the other part of me knows I’ve been here one too many times. It’s not like it will end any better. I’ll be excited for some time; of course conversations with you are worth having, but at what price will I keep doing this? I’m done.

I know I said that last time. Said it yesterday when I was telling myself I’m done for good. Said it every time I deleted your number. Goodness, I even lost count of the number of times I deleted that number of yours! Erased too many messages; wiped off any evidence of conversations with you. Even call logs so that I wouldn’t retrieve your number when I got tempted to call.

Then all it would take is one phone call or a single message. Excitement would flood in at the thought of meaningful conversation. I’d tell myself that I’d actually missed talking to you. Well, of course conversation has always been my Achilles’ heel. Words somehow get to me easily. I should have known better. Come to think of it; hasn’t that been the genesis of every situationship I can remember?

But this time round, I’m determined to walk away. My heart won’t like it but I know what’s best for it and this isn’t. I can’t keep setting myself up for disappointment. Can’t allow my heart to take any more punches. It doesn’t matter what this is; my emotions are done with the roller-coaster rides. I can’t keep enjoying the thrill of taking my heart out on the cliff hoping to fly only to crash into the valley. I can’t deal with anticipointment one more time.

Don’t worry, this isn’t your fault; well maybe like 25%. This was me staring at a fire and being overly confident thinking the flames wouldn’t touch me. This was me on one one of those thrill seeking adventures and venturing further than I ought to. This was me having seen warning signs but trying to see how far I’d go before getting caught. I saw you taking measures to stop me from harming myself. I saw you sober and avoiding anything that would encourage me. I saw your wisdom in trying to not do or say things that would give me wrong impressions; false hopes. I saw all that but I think I was addicted to pain and had missed that high.

We all grow up at some point. We all have our breaking points. We all know when enough is enough. This is where I am. Ready to give up instant gratification and cheap thrills. Ready to move to places where I’ll be appreciated and loved. Ready to trade my brokenness for wholeness no matter how much pain that will inflict initially. Ready to surrender expectations and dreams for reality.

This is me saying goodbye again; and hopefully never to return.

The Whirlwind… Part 2

Next day began beautifully with group breakfast accompanied by words of wisdom by Missy’s grandpa and aunt. I loved that session. We were sent off with enough goodies by Missy’s mum complete with money for our lunch.

The trip back was absolute fun. Stopping for shopping in new places, me getting a whole bunch of banana and feeling ecstatic (I am such a monkey), stopping to see the home of Ms. Ess. Having fun at their farm. Harvesting avocados, going to see the river at the edge of their compound and checking out coffee berries. Lunch at Bombay (Lol, you’d think I was in India and not a barbecue joint). Plenty of detours and seeing breath-taking places. Tea and cake at Missy’s place because she insisted. Me shopping for a few things in her house. Finally dropped right outside my place.

Evening turned out to be a chapter closing session. Did two letters to my ex M, and the high school sweetheart, A. Had a conversation with M where we finally got to have the conversation that never happened ages ago and I got the closure I needed. I sent A his letter but we didn’t talk after that. I also closed a chapter I’m sincerely hoping is closed for good because it’s caused me adequate emotional turmoil.

With all that happened, I will most likely require some days to process each item, one at a time. I definitely got much more than I anticipated and I am more than grateful.

To The Heart I Broke

It’s been a couple of years, I probably should begin by saying hi: so hi, how’ve you been?

Like I said, it’s been a couple of years and this letter may not make much sense. We both grew up and have had a whole lifetime since then. However, this weekend had me thinking about my past and I remembered you.

High school was quite something, wasn’t it? You featured through most of those years. It was such an on and off thing. Of course it was, I was such a selfish being (still am several times) and the world revolved around me. I’d call it quits when I was done or bored and you’d come back somehow.

My excuse: discovering some lies on your end and the fact that I’d get bored too easily, coupled with how I didn’t take things seriously back then. After everything, you said I’d broken your heart and how other girls would more or less pay for it. I felt bad and guilt hanged  around for a while. But then I wasn’t sure if you were serious.

I still am uncertain about the consequences of my selfish attitude. It was eons ago and it most likely had little impact… but just in case a wound was created; healed or not, scar or none; I hope this small gesture helps.

This is me saying sorry for everything. For each time you really went out of your way and I took little notice. For you having put yourself out there and I scorned it. For any pain if any was occasioned. For any action that may have affected how you saw or treated ladies from then. For whatever little or not so little impact it had.

It’s been eons but it’s never too late to apologise. I came to learn how powerful something as simple as ‘sorry’ is. So this is me years later finally doing what ought to have been done.

The Apology Long Overdue

Let me start by saying that I honestly searched for your number or any contacts anywhere but didn’t succeed. Combed right through social media but that wasn’t really your thing so it’s no surprise I failed at that too. I did this probably last year or the year before.

You’re probably wondering why on earth I’d bother; so allow me to explain. The past 2-3 years gave me enough time for introspection and the more God worked on my heart, the more I saw how messed up it was. That wasn’t the end, God began showing me how that had affected people around me and you happen to be part of it.

It’s been around 6 and a half years. I was pleasantly surprised when I discovered a mutual friend is a dear friend to you (she’s such an amazing person, ain’t she?). I’m glad that happened because I finally got your number. Been toying with the idea of calling you but figured my speech would be less awkward when written.

I look back and see such a selfish girl who somehow ended up with a guy she didn’t deserve. I realised we never really got to sit and talk about it. My version all along was that my going to campus caused a strain and we drifted apart slowly but there are always two sides of a story and I never got to know yours.

Every time I remember back then, I see selfishness written all across. I liked you and you liked me (or so I hoped); you were hesitant, I pushed. I kept thinking in hindsight that maybe you weren’t ready but I persisted. You said back then you didn’t deserve me yet I was sure I was the one getting way more than I should have.  It felt like I was the one supposed to be feeling that because you were much more than you saw through your eyes.
I got to campus and yes things were busier but I should have made you enough of a priority to do more calls and texts during the day. I’d reply or call back in the evening armed with airtime ready to do our usual long conversations but I wouldn’t understand why you didn’t respond with the same enthusiasm. Of course I was too self-centred to notice that I’d made everything revolve around my schedule or convenience. When things eventually got too strained I didn’t fight hard enough.

I was selfish and you got caught up in all that. I felt bad about it but realised I never came to formally apologise. I probably had a good opportunity during my graduation party. Goodness, I don’t even know how you agreed to emcee at that party! I didn’t deserve that and you deserved so much gratitude for coming through. I left that evening in such a hurry, I can’t remember if I ever thanked you or did a follow-up call. I was grateful but maybe too caught up in the world that revolved around me to do a proper thank you and maybe taken that time to have apologised.

This is too many years too late, nevertheless, I had to do this. Sorry for my conceited actions. Sorry for not having treated you like you truly deserved. Sorry for never considering the impact my actions had. Sorry for not being sorry enough then. Sorry for not appreciating you enough. Sorry for anything you know that I haven’t even addressed. Sorry for showing up with this when your life already moved on. And sorry for this because it’s a little awkward (maybe a lot more than that).

PS: I had to post on this online journal I keep because I’m hoping it will have a few lessons for people to glean and that my mistakes will prevent one or two persons from making the same.