My Goodbye (again)

Staring at the phone and part of me wants to enjoy the conversation but the other part of me knows I’ve been here one too many times. It’s not like it will end any better. I’ll be excited for some time; of course conversations with you are worth having, but at what price will I keep doing this? I’m done.

I know I said that last time. Said it yesterday when I was telling myself I’m done for good. Said it every time I deleted your number. Goodness, I even lost count of the number of times I deleted that number of yours! Erased too many messages; wiped off any evidence of conversations with you. Even call logs so that I wouldn’t retrieve your number when I got tempted to call.

Then all it would take is one phone call or a single message. Excitement would flood in at the thought of meaningful conversation. I’d tell myself that I’d actually missed talking to you. Well, of course conversation has always been my Achilles’ heel. Words somehow get to me easily. I should have known better. Come to think of it; hasn’t that been the genesis of every situationship I can remember?

But this time round, I’m determined to walk away. My heart won’t like it but I know what’s best for it and this isn’t. I can’t keep setting myself up for disappointment. Can’t allow my heart to take any more punches. It doesn’t matter what this is; my emotions are done with the roller-coaster rides. I can’t keep enjoying the thrill of taking my heart out on the cliff hoping to fly only to crash into the valley. I can’t deal with anticipointment one more time.

Don’t worry, this isn’t your fault; well maybe like 25%. This was me staring at a fire and being overly confident thinking the flames wouldn’t touch me. This was me on one one of those thrill seeking adventures and venturing further than I ought to. This was me having seen warning signs but trying to see how far I’d go before getting caught. I saw you taking measures to stop me from harming myself. I saw you sober and avoiding anything that would encourage me. I saw your wisdom in trying to not do or say things that would give me wrong impressions; false hopes. I saw all that but I think I was addicted to pain and had missed that high.

We all grow up at some point. We all have our breaking points. We all know when enough is enough. This is where I am. Ready to give up instant gratification and cheap thrills. Ready to move to places where I’ll be appreciated and loved. Ready to trade my brokenness for wholeness no matter how much pain that will inflict initially. Ready to surrender expectations and dreams for reality.

This is me saying goodbye again; and hopefully never to return.

The Whirlwind… Part 2

Next day began beautifully with group breakfast accompanied by words of wisdom by Missy’s grandpa and aunt. I loved that session. We were sent off with enough goodies by Missy’s mum complete with money for our lunch.

The trip back was absolute fun. Stopping for shopping in new places, me getting a whole bunch of banana and feeling ecstatic (I am such a monkey), stopping to see the home of Ms. Ess. Having fun at their farm. Harvesting avocados, going to see the river at the edge of their compound and checking out coffee berries. Lunch at Bombay (Lol, you’d think I was in India and not a barbecue joint). Plenty of detours and seeing breath-taking places. Tea and cake at Missy’s place because she insisted. Me shopping for a few things in her house. Finally dropped right outside my place.

Evening turned out to be a chapter closing session. Did two letters to my ex M, and the high school sweetheart, A. Had a conversation with M where we finally got to have the conversation that never happened ages ago and I got the closure I needed. I sent A his letter but we didn’t talk after that. I also closed a chapter I’m sincerely hoping is closed for good because it’s caused me adequate emotional turmoil.

With all that happened, I will most likely require some days to process each item, one at a time. I definitely got much more than I anticipated and I am more than grateful.

To The Heart I Broke

It’s been a couple of years, I probably should begin by saying hi: so hi, how’ve you been?

Like I said, it’s been a couple of years and this letter may not make much sense. We both grew up and have had a whole lifetime since then. However, this weekend had me thinking about my past and I remembered you.

High school was quite something, wasn’t it? You featured through most of those years. It was such an on and off thing. Of course it was, I was such a selfish being (still am several times) and the world revolved around me. I’d call it quits when I was done or bored and you’d come back somehow.

My excuse: discovering some lies on your end and the fact that I’d get bored too easily, coupled with how I didn’t take things seriously back then. After everything, you said I’d broken your heart and how other girls would more or less pay for it. I felt bad and guilt hanged  around for a while. But then I wasn’t sure if you were serious.

I still am uncertain about the consequences of my selfish attitude. It was eons ago and it most likely had little impact… but just in case a wound was created; healed or not, scar or none; I hope this small gesture helps.

This is me saying sorry for everything. For each time you really went out of your way and I took little notice. For you having put yourself out there and I scorned it. For any pain if any was occasioned. For any action that may have affected how you saw or treated ladies from then. For whatever little or not so little impact it had.

It’s been eons but it’s never too late to apologise. I came to learn how powerful something as simple as ‘sorry’ is. So this is me years later finally doing what ought to have been done.

The Apology Long Overdue

Let me start by saying that I honestly searched for your number or any contacts anywhere but didn’t succeed. Combed right through social media but that wasn’t really your thing so it’s no surprise I failed at that too. I did this probably last year or the year before.

You’re probably wondering why on earth I’d bother; so allow me to explain. The past 2-3 years gave me enough time for introspection and the more God worked on my heart, the more I saw how messed up it was. That wasn’t the end, God began showing me how that had affected people around me and you happen to be part of it.

It’s been around 6 and a half years. I was pleasantly surprised when I discovered a mutual friend is a dear friend to you (she’s such an amazing person, ain’t she?). I’m glad that happened because I finally got your number. Been toying with the idea of calling you but figured my speech would be less awkward when written.

I look back and see such a selfish girl who somehow ended up with a guy she didn’t deserve. I realised we never really got to sit and talk about it. My version all along was that my going to campus caused a strain and we drifted apart slowly but there are always two sides of a story and I never got to know yours.

Every time I remember back then, I see selfishness written all across. I liked you and you liked me (or so I hoped); you were hesitant, I pushed. I kept thinking in hindsight that maybe you weren’t ready but I persisted. You said back then you didn’t deserve me yet I was sure I was the one getting way more than I should have.  It felt like I was the one supposed to be feeling that because you were much more than you saw through your eyes.
I got to campus and yes things were busier but I should have made you enough of a priority to do more calls and texts during the day. I’d reply or call back in the evening armed with airtime ready to do our usual long conversations but I wouldn’t understand why you didn’t respond with the same enthusiasm. Of course I was too self-centred to notice that I’d made everything revolve around my schedule or convenience. When things eventually got too strained I didn’t fight hard enough.

I was selfish and you got caught up in all that. I felt bad about it but realised I never came to formally apologise. I probably had a good opportunity during my graduation party. Goodness, I don’t even know how you agreed to emcee at that party! I didn’t deserve that and you deserved so much gratitude for coming through. I left that evening in such a hurry, I can’t remember if I ever thanked you or did a follow-up call. I was grateful but maybe too caught up in the world that revolved around me to do a proper thank you and maybe taken that time to have apologised.

This is too many years too late, nevertheless, I had to do this. Sorry for my conceited actions. Sorry for not having treated you like you truly deserved. Sorry for never considering the impact my actions had. Sorry for not being sorry enough then. Sorry for not appreciating you enough. Sorry for anything you know that I haven’t even addressed. Sorry for showing up with this when your life already moved on. And sorry for this because it’s a little awkward (maybe a lot more than that).

PS: I had to post on this online journal I keep because I’m hoping it will have a few lessons for people to glean and that my mistakes will prevent one or two persons from making the same.

A Letter to You

Hi,

You with the wounds; deep or shallow. You who’s clothed with despair. You whose heart is tired. You who’s hoped and hoped and been disappointed one too many times. You who’s been looking at other people flourishing in their happiness and wondering when your turn will come. You who’s been hurt severely or mildly. You on the verge of giving up. You who always comes so close but the happiness you chase keeps being elusive.

Your pain is legit, your despair is understandable, your fears are founded and you are worth grieving over. Don’t let anyone belittle what you feel; not even your own self. Allow yourself to feel all this at this moment.

However, down in those ashes of despair is not where you belong; that pit of pain isn’t your abode; that dark cell where you’re covering your wounds is not your permanent place. After the dark night, day dawns; don’t miss your sunrise.

You, right in the place you are, are loved. You are worth caring about. You may be knocked down but you’re not out. Take His hand, let Him gently pull you out of the pit. Lay your heart bare, let His love wash over your wounds and be your healing. Move away from that cell’s door; His rays of hope want to burst in and flush out despair.

You are loved; your wounds are legit but they can be healed. You are loved; yes your hope was genuinely lost but it’s a new day. You are loved; you feel rejected you but what they didn’t give you, they can’t take away; your acceptance was from Him. You are loved; broken as you are, He makes you whole. You are loved; disappointments of the past are not a forecast of the future. You are loved; nothing can take that away

Allow yourself to be loved and embrace the truth of that love until you live it fully.

The Valentine’s Post

It’s Valentine’s so of course I was going to write (chuckles). I’m in a really good mood, that’s if you haven’t noticed the giggles. You should see me smiling uncontrollably. And no, I’m not on a date or reading some sweet sentimental text or eating chocolates I was sent. I’m just in an unexplainably happy mood.

See today was a pretty normal day for me. I had things at work that I couldn’t wait to finish because they were too much pressure. I didn’t even buy takeout for lunch, I ate the most plain homemade food. In between all that, I was dealing with some health issue.

Perhaps it’s because I’ve been planning to wake up earlier for some time but never succeeded until today. Maybe the session I had pouring my heart before God last night worked wonders. Probably it’s all the laughing I was doing my entire ride home; genuine laughter that made me tear up (I’m sure people around me in the bus were wondering what was wrong with me. Perchance they didn’t notice or couldn’t care less). 

I have a theory that trumps all the above: maybe it’s because I’m loved. Insanely and unconditionally loved. This is probably the first Valentine’s where I’m this secure in love. No guy hovering around getting me excited and no vacuum or loneliness. Simply secure in the thought that I’m deeply loved and that it’s not a concept in my head. It’s been proven over and over again in the recent past.

It would be easy to become indifferent and dismiss this as an overly commercialized day (which it actually is). However, I refuse to allow my heart to harden. In fact, just for kicks, I did something I’d chastise you for if you tried the same: watched a lovely Hallmark movie while in the office.

No, I wasn’t sitting there reminiscing or thinking of how I missed being in a relationship. Neither was I there feeling lonely and sad. I enjoyed the movie thoroughly for what it was: a beautiful love story, the way Hollywood perceives it. 

A friend challenged me today to do something different and step out of the norm even for 5 minutes. Well, I’m still thinking of what to do but aware that today, I’ve done several things that made me happy. I’m grateful that he helped me snap out of my indifference.

So now, I’ll go back to savouring the little salon escapade I’m having since I decided to take my hair out for a special treat. I’m doing this because when my hair feels good, I feel spectacular and I’m all about feeling all sorts of special today (and the rest of the year). 

A very Happy Valentine’s to each of you! Passing my love to you today.

Satisfying Love

I picked up a lesson that had me doing some reflection. There’s a verse every single person probably knows of by now if you’ve been anywhere around church or a christian set up or camp/seminar/conference. The one quoted in Songs of Solomon a whole 3 times: Do not awaken love until you can satisfy it.

Most times we were told this with regards to the warning that you shouldn’t awaken love until the time was right. This of course is loaded with plenty of wisdom. Starting to love when you’re not ready for the responsibilities that love holds is usually a bad idea.

However, today I focus on an angle I hadn’t seen before: satisfaction of love. I think it’s prudent to begin by understanding the definition of satisfy: To fulfill the need, desire, or expectation of.

Placed in context, the verses in Songs of Solomon simply state that you should not awaken love until you can fulfill the needs, desires and expectations of love. From this point onward, it’s only befitting that we interrogate some of those needs desires and expectations.Let’s be selfish for a minute and look at love from our point of view, and no, we’re not considering agape or philia love.

Love needs to be fed and given attention for it to grow, love needs to be requited. Love expects that if it gives, it shall receive. Love needs to feel secure for it to flourish, it wants to feel safe. It expects that the other person will have their best interests at heart. It desires to trust fully. Love desires to be exalted and feel special, not to be in competition with others. Love needs to be exclusive.

This list is not exhaustive, love has countless demands and desires based on the people involved and their needs. The point is, when you’re awakening your love, when you’re growing that crush, when you’re entertaining your feelings towards someone; are you thinking about your heart, your love? Will this person that you can’t wait to give your love to, satisfy your love?

Ask yourself these questions and more. Will they make your love feel secure? Will they give your love the exclusivity it needs? Are they too distracted to satisfy your love? Are they too broken to give your love what it needs? (It’s okay to allow broken people to heal without you giving them the pressure to meet your needs).

Of course we know love does not happen overnight and you’ll not find someone already holding everything your love needs at first sight. But, find someone who is willing to be committed to walk the journey of satisfying your love as you reciprocate the same. That genuine willingness to commit is essential.

Bottom line is, your love has needs, desires and expectations; so don’t go flinging it to every other person. Let your love rest and when it can be satisfied, then awaken it. In the mean time, feel free to enjoy and exercise agape and philia love; soak in it and spread the same.

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