To The Person I Wounded During Healing

Been doing some reflection on my healing journey (I had dedicated this entire year to healing of my body, emotions, mind (soul in general) and my spirit).

And healing is very messy; it brings out the worst from within because that’s what is getting addressed. Which means the worst in us is also projected outwards. Sadly, that easily flows over to others who are caught in what feels like a war path.

This got me thinking of how that played out in my life. Oh it sure has been messy! But those who’ve known me understood and watched the metamorphosis. For them I probably became better or grew into a version of me they’d appreciate.

But along came you, and unfortunately you landed right in the middle of my sorting things. Which meant you didn’t have the privilege of knowing what was going on. Enough times I’d feel like you truly didn’t know me and there were things you’d say or do that would leave me shocked at how you’d think of me that way. But soon enough I realised it was simply because you hadn’t met me fully; and it was okay because we hadn’t known each other previously.

So you had your perceptions and I had my perceptions of who I thought you were. But we were just two people going through personal journeys that made it harder for us to understand each other. You were going through your transitions and, I mine.

Along the way, we probably wounded and frustrated each other. Well, this is me apologising for times when I judged you wrongly, misunderstood you, projected my insecurities, wounded you with my words/actions and, failed to be there when you needed it because I was too busy sorting my shit.

This is me taking stock of my healing and realising that there were other casualties that I really need to address.

Old Wounds Tugging

Don’t be fooled, all the lies told to you left wounds deeper than you suspect. You might not discover it until something happens that acts as a trigger.

I heard him on a phone call. It was more professional than anything but she seemed to know him pretty well. He sounded like he knew she knows him that well. Maybe it was all the laughter. Maybe it was how he took her through a project he was on. Something he’s been working on but somehow never shared with me. Or even asked my opinion despite me previously having offered to help. Despite my making it clear how good I am at that. Despite all the times he’s praised my brilliant mind.

Well, I know I have no right to expect anything of the sort. His work is his, mine is mine. I have no right to raise eyebrows when he has someone who knows him like that. Of course we barely know each other. Let’s be realistic, it’s been too short a period.

But that didn’t stop me from suddenly having all kinds of doubt. It didn’t keep away that all too familiar feeling that once again, lies are involved. No, it didn’t even help that I easily identified it as old wounds at play.

I still began to question everything. What if he turned out to be like the others? What if the honesty and genuine personality was just a façade? What if I’d decided to trust when it wasn’t in my best interest? What if it was the reason I hadn’t shared exactly what was going on with my accountability person? She’s always been right whenever she expressed her doubts. I knew this time, she’d most likely flip!

But there’s something else I also have to grapple with: what if this is just the wounded girl trying to protect herself like she always does? What if my close friends were right in pointing out that I honestly don’t know how to be loved properly? Which is true. Anytime I felt someone getting too close and genuinely showing affection, my initial reaction is to run. To flee as fast as I can while pushing them away.

So this has nothing to do with him or with anyone else who’s tried. I’ve been reassured over and over. I have every reason to trust. But these old wounds simply won’t stop interfering.

Broken to be Whole

About a day ago, we had this argument with a certain friend. I recall telling him how he was selfish and so was anyone who reasoned in a similar manner. I called him selfish several times. Well, eventually he was noble enough to end the tiff by admitting that I won. For two lawyers who had plenty of time, that disagreement had ended fairly (and disappointingly) fast.

There’s also this other pal who I’d been complaining to God about their selfishness. How whenever we talked, they were more concerned about their affairs and mine were dismissed as quickly as possible so that we could get back to their own. I decided to conclude that their selfishness would end as they matured and grew in wisdom.

Then today all tables turned; suddenly I was the main culprit. God started revealing the state of my heart and my oh my, was filthy! He showed how the selfishness I was seeing in others was far smaller compared to mine. It reminded me of the argument I mentioned earlier and how I accused my friend of seeing the speck in other people’s eyes and being blind to the log in their eyes. Little did I know that it was going to be better suited to my case.

Lately God’s been laying my heart bare and so far I’ve seen excess pride, ingratitude, lust, selfishness etc. Which would mean I had become a proud, lustful, selfish ingrate!

Today while He laid my heart bare, He went a step further and broke it. I lay down prostrate and cried! Even after that repentance session, I still feel a little teary and broken but grateful for what felt like heart surgery.

Were it not for His mercies and blood, I do not know where I’d be! I’m glad He broke me to make me whole.