Sunshine on a Cloudy Day

It was a gloomy day which perfectly befitted the moment because we were going to bury someone dearly beloved. I was wearing the black dress I bought (whose length I’d immediately had reduced, Lol) and a new purple trench coat. Along the way some car got stuck in the mud or something but all I remember was that the funeral concession stopped and we had a chance to interact with people. I saw him. Heart almost stopped.

Of course he’d be here, this wasn’t something he’d missed. I think I was beginning to like him a lot more than I’d cared to admit. We talked briefly and you can bet my heart did a few of those flip flops. That didn’t last for long, soon we were back to our cars. I seem to briefly recollect introducing him to my parents; he must have been in the company of my cousins because I’d be committing suicide if I had dared to bring him over alone.

Eventually we get to the burial site. It was still cloudy and quite cold. I had done enough crying for several days so by this time, I was far stronger. I don’t like crying in public, so any emotions were shoved aside; all except one.

He was mostly right at the front taking photos alongside many others, but of course my attention was solely pegged on him. I had people to talk to and followed proceedings so it would sober me for a while before I’d steal a glance and be adequately distracted. I looked around me and noticed there was a bevy of beauties everywhere my eyes could see. Sigh, who was I kidding? A guy like him drew too much attention and there was no way I’d get his.

This crazy fog set in just as the family was heading to the grave site. People started rushing to their cars and choppers because the diminished visibility would be an issue. I had to go find my parents because I was to travel back to the city that same day.

He found me before I could trace my parents. He tells me to wait because he was trying to see if he could get me a vehicle going straight back. I’m guessing he planned to travel with me. Oh a girl had to be flattered by that display of chivalry! Unfortunately, he didn’t succeed but told me that whoever arrived first would wait for the other. I got there first.

I waited for forever! He kept apologising and I understood because he was at someone else’s mercy. After what seemed like hours (well less than an hour) he got there and ice cream followed. Long story short, he took me back to our hostels and stayed for a while to talk. Being the gentleman he is, he handed over the ice cream he bought for himself when my friends got there (yes, I love my friends tremendously but no, I don’t love them enough to share my ice cream).

Of course he’s always been a gentleman of sorts. From the first time we met, I noticed that chivalry. I was fascinated by his vast knowledge and travels. I love people who are well read or travelled. We got along quite well and I loved those conversations. He once got me a very beautiful yet simple bracelet in my favourite colour. I was swooned!

This story doesn’t have a happy ending and it’s worse because it was my fault. Oh goodness, I liked the guy! But then that whole faith thing came up and my unequally yoked lessons wouldn’t give me peace. I’d noticed how much he liked me but I had to kill it. So I withdrew and cut off communication. That was cruel and it hurt me badly, but I had to do it because if I allowed it to go on longer, the heartbreak would have been very ugly!

Crush?… or Maybe Not (Lies we believe)

There’s this guy I met (guy M) and for some reason I felt a connection; it almost felt like a crush but I brushed it away (more like rebuked it, Lol). I got to realise that he was sorta spiritually connected to us so I figured that the ‘crush’ that was trying to force itself was actually a different kind of connection.

Fast forward a while later and we’re now good friends. All was going great until he made a statement that sounded like the kind of insinuations I used to make when I was attempting to create an emotional connection with a guy. Butterflies kicked in and I think my heart fluttered; not in the ‘Yeaaay I like this’ kind of way but the ‘Oh no’ type.

Naturally, all sorts of thoughts started flooding my mind: what if he liked me? How would I handle things? Might I be feeling the same?
However, I felt strongly convicted not to indulge those thoughts. Not just because of some difference that I’m not sure I’d compromise on but due to the fact that the feelings actually weren’t real (PS: He actually looks quite good, is Spirit filled, with a heart after God’s own and would probably be a great guy to date, so of course I was tempted to think about it)

Okay, so you’re probably wondering why on earth I’d say they weren’t real yet I felt something. You see, this had happened to me before, more than once and I noticed that such instances were supposed to be a distraction that would eventually lead me into sexual sin. Plus it would occur whenever I was getting lazy spiritually. This time was no exception, my bible reading was wanting and my prayer life was fading to nonexistence.

Then another friend (guy J) happened to get dragged into this drama . I had this weird dream where guy J was trying to get cosy with me while saying how he was kinda jealous and not too happy about me and guy M since he didn’t want to share me. That was an absolutely absurd dream and I didn’t even bother to pray since I thought it was an extremely cheap tactic by the enemy to ensnare me, so I didn’t waste a second thinking of it. Nevertheless, it almost planted some strong desire in me and I kept fighting the urge to talk to them both that day.

The dream made me realise that the feelings that were trying to force themselves on me were false and a pathetic attempt to get me tripping spiritually. Any time accompanying thoughts would try to come, I’d cast them down immediately.

God had just taught me how not to entertain some thoughts. Remember how they say a thought leads to an action? Some times we indulge in thoughts that create feelings that didn’t exist and weren’t supposed to, then they get us in trouble. The devil will do anything to derail you and your mind is the best target because ultimately you become what you think.

So the next time you think you’re having a crush; first test to see where those emotions are from. If they’re not from God, then they’re from the spirit of Lust and one effective way to deal with that is to practice 2 Corinthians 10:5 and bring those thoughts captive.

“Throwing down imaginations and every high thing that is exalted against the knowledge of God, and bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ”

Uncategorised

Have you ever found yourself in a je ne sais quoi situation or having a problem that doesn’t exactly fit in the usual categories? It may seem like a common thing but somehow your circumstances do not fit in the usual boxes. That is precisely where I am at now.

So I think I have a crush (yes, I just got reminded that I am human) but it’s not exactly the usual teenage like crushes. I decided to check up articles or blogs on the internet which have advice on godly ways to deal with crushes (more like getting rid of them)
Unfortunately 90% of what I found didn’t exactly help. Most talk of those interesting or not so interesting teenage-like crushes we all get at some point. The problem is that mine doesn’t fit in that bracket.

Well I met a guy who is crazy about God and walks in a deep relationship with Christ and at some point just thought in passing how he’d make a good partner. Unfortunately or fortunately I got to spend some little time with him and I think subconsciously I started to like him (his good looks didn’t make it any easier)

You see that whole “absence makes the heart grow fonder” concept, might probably be true because at some point I found myself waiting to hear from him while we were apart. So far it all sounds like your everyday embodiment of a crush but just wait.

The thing is; it doesn’t feel like a crush, I am not interested in pursuing it, I don’t want to think of whether it’s a mutual crush or not and I definitely do not want to start figuring out what this whole thing is. I may sound blunt but at times purposing to walk in purity demands such. I do not trust my heart now and I know I am recovering from a spirit of lust. Therefore, I choose to guard my heart and his. I do not want to dwell on a blossoming crush that may lead me to giving a piece of my heart to either wrong guy or the right guy but at the wrong time.
I really want him to uphold the purity he is walking in now since I know where God got him from and I would not want to either hurt him eventually or be the reason he gets tempted to stray.

I still haven’t found any advice on the internet that deals with my case exactly so I choose to accept it as a sui generis case that still remains uncategorised!