I’ve been see-sawing between utter hopelessness and fierce resolve in the very recent past. Had days when I was a warrior ready to battle whatever life threw at me. But then there were those days when despair gnawed at me and I gave up on ever having a normal life. On such days, I’d be sick and tired of being sick; fed up with not being able to live up to expectations at work; disappointed that I wasn’t who people knew I was and done with hoping for a good life (whatever that means).
See it’s one thing to be knocked down by different things in life; it’s an entirely different thing when all the blows come but your greatest opponent is yourself. When your mind fights against you. When your heart is too wounded to beat one more time. When your body is weak because of assaults by one form of sickness after another. When your spirit feels lifeless.
Today I listened to a TED talk where they said that according to research done, by 2020, depression would be the 2nd highest form of disability… yes, disability.
On normal days, I’d scoff and say they were being overly dramatic. But then I woke up feeling all flu-ish and thinking, “Dear Lord, I can’t be sick again! Not again”. Then I recalled how I walked out of a work thing on Saturday because of unbearable pain. How I missed a staff meeting on Tuesday because my teeth decided aching ceaselessly for days would be fun. How a week or two ago I was on sick off for a couple of days because of something entirely different… this list is endless.
That’s when it all began crumbling. I started wondering why I was even bothering trying to live a normal life. Little by little, I sank and before I knew it I was completely drowning and unable to do anything; like completely couldn’t do a thing… then that TED talk made sense.
I think it would be tragic if their prediction came true because it would mean millions upon millions are battling with an enemy that lies within; a monster you wouldn’t wish even on your worst enemy.
My heart breaks for anyone caught up in this.
So if this is you today; hugs to you darling.