Let me begin by saying how I’m truly proud of the person I am currently. You wouldn’t understand what big a deal this is unless you knew the lady I used to be.
I cannot pin an exact point when it happened but all I know is that I slowly became someone I didn’t like too much. The peak of it all was last year when I finally came face to face with her, and boy did I hate her! Hate seems too mild a description… I loathed the woman I used to see.
I don’t know who or what robbed me of the joy I used to have. I grew up a very happy-go-lucky kinda girl. Somewhere along the way I realised the world didn’t like me as much as I loved it and that slowly killed me. I didn’t know what to do with dislike for no particular reason and rejection. So I took it all in and it broke me.
I always assumed that I took more of my mum’s introverted nature the more I grew up. I picked that as the perfect scapegoat. The depression that started coming in from my third year in campus sealed the deal. I’d do a lot more of my retreats and I’d avoid even friends I loved dearly. Locking myself up in the room became a habit. Solitude and I began our relationship.
Along the way, the health issues became worse. Looking back, I now understand how issues with my digestive system triggered the depression that would recur. Up till now, a day without my body acting up is as rare as those blood moons. I allowed myself to be overwhelmed by everything. My life became paralyzed and I slowly started losing hope of ever having a normal productive life.
Oh and I have to mention my emotional drama! The number of times people broke my heart because of what they said, did or failed to do… goodness, I even lost count. I tend to give people all of myself as I keep believing the best of them. Of course they’d shatter my beliefs and leave me feeling disappointed. I love hard but I’ve met people who didn’t get why I would not mind going out of my way for them. I’d easily do it even for strangers because, oh well, my heart just likes doing stuff like that.
The highlight last year was my contempt for my body. I was at the highest digits I’ve ever seen on a weighing scale and I hated it. Hated how I looked, hated everything about my body. Like most of us, I assumed losing weight would be the magical cure. Now imagine my frustration when the health issues ensured that wasn’t happening (Lol, you’ve got to love life’s sense of humour).
I also remember feeling very unworthy of love. I was convinced that the type of man I wanted would never want me. It didn’t help that during that period, I ended up crushing on a friend who of course had no mutual feelings. Looking back, I am so glad he didn’t like me! I know it sounds confusing but I now really know what I’m after and things definitely wouldn’t have worked.
That being said, I love that person I was because she led me to who I am currently. To the me that prioritizes happiness. This lady that oozes joy much more than ever. To this girl who now knows how to pick better. The one who understands that perceived rejection should not be allowed to hurt her. This one who is beginning to truly believe that she’s beautiful.
The lady that gets out of bed each day even when she doesn’t think she’d last a few minutes before crumbling. The one who keeps moving in spite of pain. She who chooses to love even when people don’t seem deserving because He who is in her models unconditional love. She who now sees when it’s her expectations placed on people that hurt her and not the people themselves.
She lives, loves and laughs.