Mountains and Valleys

I have finally decided to come here and fess (this should tell you how reading Little Women all week and watching the movie, has had an effect on me). I have carried enough and since writing helps me unpack, I’m doing just that. 

This has been a gloomy week, which makes little sense because I had the most wonderful Easter weekend. I’d planned to go home and enjoy plenty of introverting since the whole family was travelling upcountry. Needless to say, my plans backfired beautifully. Don’t you like it when God wrecks your plans and trades them for lovelier ones? 

Friday turned out to be my turn to enjoy being daddy’s girl. Went to town with him and had quite the shopping spree then late lunch at some Resort. He told me to call my little sister (not biological) to come join us and her classmate who he has a spot for since her accident. That man has such a big heart! Went to pick my friend for a sleepover and had fun ‘shopping’ in her house (that’s what true friends do, Lol). 

Saturday was mostly cooking for guests and the compliments are always worth the effort. Then ended up in town again, this time round having a girls’ day out with mum. This time round I got more than I expected from the shopping including a pretty high-low dress that had my dad voicing his concerns since he believes I’ve grown so fat that the poor dress wasn’t fitting (smh).

Sunday in church gave me plenty to meditate on and friends to reconnect with. Went for an Easter concert in town since I’d promised little sister that I’d go. Oh the praise and worship was everything my spirit craved! Decided to go for coffee which we thought was unwise since we both had limited cash. Goodness, the surprises God pulls! Someone came and paid for our mochas and cakes in advance! 

I travelled back the next day with my heart very full. I’d been more than loved on and God took me from one amazing experience to another and another. I’d received more than I’d ever imagined.

So why was it hard to have all the wonderful memories overshadow everything else? Monday evening had me battling depression alongside a misbehaving body. Later I realised the link between the condition disturbing my digestive system and depression. 

From then, things haven’t been too different. Ennui at work, long hours that made a point to move even slower, heavy downpours and dull weather that seemed to reflect my internal state and feeling completely alone. 

I didn’t go to work today; I have my misbehaving body to thank for that. Which means I’ve been in bed all day and have had all sorts of thoughts. Feelings of despair have been the thing this week. Eventually told God how I felt I wasn’t worth entrusting the gifts or talents He’s given. Wasn’t worth giving a family since I can barely keep my own house. Wasn’t worthy of love. Basically feeling like I wasn’t worth the things I hoped for.

It’s been a lot to handle and I’m not bearing it all too well. I should be drawing especially close to God right now but I’ve been lost in books and social media because I feel like I don’t even have the discipline to be intentional with God like I should. He’s been very nice and constantly present so all I’ve been doing is conversations with Him while nicely tucked in bed. 

I’m not sure how the next days will turn but I am not perturbed. Valleys precede mountains and dark days don’t last. Sorrow may last for the night but joy sure comes in the morning. So yes, this not-so-little woman will keep keeping on.

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Reflections on a Chilly Monday

This is one of those days where the writing bug decides to creep in slowly and bite really hard. Must be the chilly weather, the serene environment, the calming music and my being in bed enjoying the warm bedding.

Lately, I’ve been on a reflective mood and I desperately needed some alone time to think and do some writing. The past two weeks or so have been crazy but wonderful. I wouldn’t even know where to start in describing all that’s been happening but all I can say is that it started with being admitted to hospital and has ended with a seriously fired up lady who keeps surprising me daily.

It’s amazing what happens when you let God take the reins and stick at His feet daily. He will break you, mould you, rebuke, direct and take you levels you never saw. Surrender is beautiful; you give yourself up and He gives you an improved version of yourself that you’d never attain.

Midnight Musings of a Messed up Maiden

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“The state of my closet usually reflects the state of my life”… This is a statement I tell my friends and one that is more often than not, very true. I have been ignoring the huge pile of clothes I dumped in my closet since they were washed simply because every time I open that door I am either in too great a hurry to pause and start folding or hanging, or I am in no mood to start all that work or I open and feel too overwhelmed because they are so many that it discourages me and I quickly close the door.

My life feels exactly the same and I hadn’t thought much about it till I went for Bible study tonight. Before you start applauding at what a nice christian girl I am, I should mention that it has been quite a while since I went for that weekly bible study and that today I showed up one and a half hours late! Either way, I am really glad I went mainly because that session got me thinking about a lot and I have been doing some serious reflections since then. My life is truly a mess but I need to get cleaning or simply get myself to the One who does an amazing job at that.

We were reading James 4 and what stood out was the statement: Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded… It reminded me of how simple life is when you choose to submit to God, resist the devil, draw near to God and repent.

Submitting to God should be out of love, not fear; He is not some scary being up there in the clouds who demands that you follow Him and if you fail to, He strikes you with some rod or lightning! He is a loving Father who designed your life thousands of years before you were even conceived. He knows your entire life and how it will unfold plus He has power over it; therefore, it should be easier to submit to such a being since He not only knows what will go on in your life but He holds that precious life of yours in His hands, He loves you unconditionally  and has a good plan for your life (Jeremiah 29:11)

Resisting the devil isn’t always easy since he entices us with the things we find hard to resist but knowing that he came to steal, kill and destroy us, we shouldn’t easily give in to his temptations. Most people hear such a statement and immediately think of temptation as the sexual kind but it’s not just about that. When was the last time you checked your thoughts then when you were busy focusing on something you knew wasn’t right, for example; how to get back at somebody for a sick joke they played on you or vengeance for how bad they hurt you or choosing to drive past a red light or breaking a law just because you think it doesn’t make sense or obeying it would be a waste of your time? How many times have you stopped that thought before it went any further and caused you to act? You learn to resist the devil when you practice saying No to anything you know isn’t right or ask for the grace to do so.

The last part is about drawing near to God and repenting; those two actually go hand in hand. If you failed to resist and ended up doing something wrong, most of us feel very guilty as we entertain condemnation then decide we are too messed up for God. You think of how many times you kept falling for the same thing and you get convinced that since you keep falling, why bother to rise? We forget that, after a long day when you get back all sweaty and dirty, you never think that since you are too filthy and will still get dirty, there’s no need to bother or think how water is too clean and you can’t face it ’cause you’re too dirty. So why do we do that with God? If you’re messed up then get back to the one who made you and can mend you; if you’re dirty, run to the arms of the one whose blood makes us clean.

My life might be a mess now but cleaning time just began! It may take a long while and it may not be easy; either way I am certain that I have been given enough grace to pull through so I choose to delight in this whole cleaning session 🙂

(Oh and I know midnight musings happen at midnight but I still can’t help writing at 2-3a.m. Therefore, since I started reflecting at around midnight; it’s the thoughts that count 😉 [pun intended]…)