My Five Stages

They say there are 5 stages of grief; well I’ve lived through each with you. Bliss didn’t stay because you chose to walk away. All I was left with were these 5 steps which I have finally found a way to express adequately… good old music. I guess it’s true what they say: there’s a song for everything you feel. 

1. Denial
Now and then I think of when we were together. Like when you said you felt so happy you could die. Told myself that you were right for me…


(Somebody that I used to know- Gotye)

I had terribly enjoyed each moment with you. Spending time with you made me happy and I’d be in awe of the person I kept discovering.  Maybe all that glitters truly isn’t gold because that happiness would fade soon after you left. I always came up with reasons and excuses as to why your silence kept growing. Eventually, I ran out of them. I still tried to justify everything because I didn’t want to believe the alternative.

2. Anger

I know I can’t take one more step towards you, ’cause all that’s waiting is regret. And it took so long just to feel alright, remember how to put back the light in my eyes. I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed, ‘Cause you broke all your promises… You don’t get to get me back

(Jar of hearts- Christina Perry)

Oh I was pissed when I realised that there was no reasonable explanation for your silence. No, you don’t get to treat me like that, is what I said. I even wrote a quote for it: 

“You don’t just get to discard me when you please and pick me again at your convenience.”

And like Christina sings, yes, you don’t get to get me back.

3. Bargaining

Say something, I’m giving up on you. I’ll be the one if you want me to. Anywhere I would’ve followed you. Say something, I’m giving up on you

(A Great Big World – Say Something Lyrics)

Then I’d remember why I really liked you and I’d want to try salvage the situation. I’d decide to be the better person and reach out. Basically, anything to get back to conversations like we used to have and to take things back to those beautiful moments.

4. Depression
 
Don’t leave me in all this pain. Don’t leave me out in the rain. Come back and bring back my smile. Come and take these tears away. I need your arms to hold me now. The nights are so unkind. Bring back those nights when I held you beside me. Un-break my heart, Say you’ll love me again. Undo this hurt you caused, When you walked out the door, And walked out of my life. Un-cry these tears, I cried so many nights. Un-break my heart

(Toni Braxton- Unbreak My heart)

Oh the pain! The number of times I’d reminisce and want to cry. Tears were elusive but that pain was tangible. I began asking myself if you changed your mind or maybe you lied right from the start. I couldn’t reconcile the promises you made and affections you showed, with how you were acting. It would hurt if you changed your mind but it would break me more if I discovered you were lying all along because that’s not the kind of person you’d be. Maybe I’m just not as good a judge of character as I assume.

5. Acceptance

But you didn’t have to cut me off, Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing… But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough, but I don’t wanna live that way, reading into every word you say…

(Somebody that I used to know- Gotye)

You made me want you You made me leave you. You made me tumble and fall. But if I Can’t have you the way I want you, I don’t want you at all. Baby, I can take a lot Cause I love Everything you got… so if you got Someone else I gotta go. Oh, that you know. Yeah that’s it honey I quit I’m movin’ on…

(Adele – That’s it, I quit, I’m movin’ on (Sam Cooke) )

Yes I wish things were different. I wished that you wouldn’t have cut me off. But I can’t keep putting up with frequent silence. Yes I still think you are amazing and that you’re one person who I’d do forever after with. But despite the fact that you hold probably 80% of what I desire, that 20% missing includes communication, which for me is practically everything. 
So yes, if I can’t have you the way I want you then I don’t want you at all. Yeah that’s it honey, I quit I’m movin’ on. 


PS: I know we have plenty of Christian love songs; but y’all don’t do break up songs?? I need options people 😉 

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The Unexpected Dalliance

What would I do if someone I was dating or married to, cheated? If we were dating, then it’s easy: I’d dump you faster than you could assemble the five letters your apology would begin with. With dating, it’s simpler because the two of you aren’t bound legally or spiritually. If they’re cheating when they have the option to leave, how are they to be trusted when the two of you are married? Dating is the nursery bed/seedbed where whatever is planted there is transferred when marriage comes and everything grows to bigger proportions.

If it was somebody I was married to, hmmm, now that becomes a little more complicated. Most people will simply tell you to pack your bags and run immediately, others would advise you to stay and work through it. Yes I am completely against divorce because I strongly believe marriage isn’t just something you walk into and out of at your pleasure; it’s a serious institution.

I personally would first interrogate and find out what it was exactly: a one-night stand or an affair. A one time sexual escapade is easier to deal with; not easy but slightly better compared to the rest. He wouldn’t just say sorry and be forgiven, no we’d involve our best couple (who would have been walking with us all through the years) and possibly, our spiritual authority. Basically people we could trust and those who had been married way longer than us and had the wisdom to handle such things. This is something that would require us talking and finding out why it happened and what next.

If it was a sexual affair, I would still go through the same process. This of course would be much more serious because he made the choice repeatedly. Anything sexual forms bonds, so getting over it would not be a walk in the Park. Sex for women creates much stronger bonds than it does for men.

The one that would worry me the most is the affair where there was no sexual activity but she had my husband’s emotions and mind. The kind where he couldn’t wait to see or talk to her. The type where their minds danced to a similar tune. Where her words had him captivated. The kind where his mind was drawn fully or to such a great extent that it was hard to get out. She who made him laugh. The one who had him excited. The one who he thought truly understood him. The one who listens when he talks about his problems. The one who helps him forget his troubles. The one who becomes his distraction. The one he’s not afraid to tell anything. The one with whom he can be himself. That is the one I would be worried about… and if that happened, then I do not know what I would do.

Clearly, it is true that none of these things are as easy as we think, until it happens to you. For now, I speculate and go with what my single mind thinks, if this ever occurs (and I hope not) then I hope something here will be of use.

Miss me

Miss me with your expectations. Yep. I probably won’t meet them.

You’ll find me quite a handful (and you’d need big hands for this), you’ll find me hard to understand at times and I’ll step on your toes oft enough. 

I took after my dad’s stubbornness. I like having my way. I talk a lot just as he does. I became more introverted like my mum when I grew up. I have moments where I want to be alone and don’t appreciate human interaction. I am a dreamer like my brother but not the best at implementation of those ideas. 

I am a weird combination of a perfectionist and a messy sanguine. So you’ll find neatly organised rooms one moment and the next, they will look like the aftermath of hurricane me. I love cooking for people but I don’t feel like it often. By now you’ve noticed discipline isn’t my forte.

Yes I grew up being daddy’s girl but somehow that didn’t insulate me from the daddy issues you’ll find still healing. If I got half the heart my dad has for people and the kind of love he’s shown me; then you’ll proud of me. My mum’s amazing intelligence wasn’t the only thing that was passed down; I learnt kindness, generosity and unbelievable patience. Not that I’m good at them but I’m learning. My brother’s ability to go after what he wants and his people skills also rub off on me. That young man inspires me in ways I can’t explain.

So yes, I’m work in progress. I don’t mind learning and accept growth. I joked the other day about how God forgot moderation when creating me. Everything about me is extreme; both the good and ugly. But rest in this: God’s got me. I’ve watched the way He’s moulding me and it’s encouraging. Oh you should know how in love I am with Him. He lavishes me with His own love!

Most of all, I acknowledge this: miss me with your expectations is a two-edged sword. This isn’t just for you but me as well. You’re who you are and perfect as you are. So when you come, I’ll lay my expectations on the altar and take you for who you are.

Brush Strokes of Reality

I am a dreamer, that I am. It is my gift, it sure is my undoing as well. I build things where none exist. I paint pictures that eyes don’t see. I find beauty where it can’t be spotted. I add glamour to the most ordinary things. Sounds enviable, right? Not really.

See my problem is that all this sips into my perception of people. I view potential; not reality. It’s a good thing you’d argue, well so would I. I get a sneak preview of their lives and proceed to create a whole movie directed by yours truly. I already piece up their character and decide on who they are. The ones who relish the benefits of this are the ones whose lives I romanticised.

I get excited about the picture I painted and enjoy interacting with them based on my own notions. I interpret their words and actions through the lenses I’d selected. This I hadn’t realised its magnitude up till yesterevening when I (against all common sense), called my ex.

I don’t know what I expected. Perhaps curt conversations or an unanswered call. The exact opposite met me. Cheery tones, questions on where I’d been and queries on whether my visa expired since the only reason I ignored his last text should have been because I was out of the country for long. Plenty of catch up, jokes here and there plus having to explain why I was refusing to go pick his car from wherever he left it because I was taking risks with the motorbike rides I do (I love those ones too much to quit).

The car issue lingered on my mind long after the phone call. Not because of the excitement of enjoying the convenience, but because of how I’d interpreted that offer. It’s not the first time he’s said that. First one was while we were dating and he was out at war arguing with me over my love for night walks or meetings that had me out after darkness set in. I still refused. But it had me feeling very cared for and protected.

Then a different thought struck me. What if it wasn’t care and concern but a bait guys throw to get girls hooked? Cognitive dissonance. Hmm, he can’t be like that, can he? I knew a different person. But wait again, we never made it past the honeymoon stage of relationships. We broke up before the period for masks falling arrived. How sure was I that everything hadn’t been staged managed perfectly? Cognitive dissonance again. Fantasy crumbles.

I suddenly got on this train of thoughts that led me right to the root issue: I get clouded by potential while seeing people. I began reflecting on my interaction with various people and saw how I’d clothed them with strokes from my brush as I painted the picture of who I thought they were, vis-a-vis who they really are.

Reality sucks I must say. But reality becomes the necessary foundation before we can build anything. Friendships strain under crazy expectations. Relationships disintegrate slowly as lenses fantasy lenses weaken and the picture gets clearer. So here’s to throwing away all the brushes, lenses and movie scripts. Director no more.

To The Heart I Broke

It’s been a couple of years, I probably should begin by saying hi: so hi, how’ve you been?

Like I said, it’s been a couple of years and this letter may not make much sense. We both grew up and have had a whole lifetime since then. However, this weekend had me thinking about my past and I remembered you.

High school was quite something, wasn’t it? You featured through most of those years. It was such an on and off thing. Of course it was, I was such a selfish being (still am several times) and the world revolved around me. I’d call it quits when I was done or bored and you’d come back somehow.

My excuse: discovering some lies on your end and the fact that I’d get bored too easily, coupled with how I didn’t take things seriously back then. After everything, you said I’d broken your heart and how other girls would more or less pay for it. I felt bad and guilt hanged  around for a while. But then I wasn’t sure if you were serious.

I still am uncertain about the consequences of my selfish attitude. It was eons ago and it most likely had little impact… but just in case a wound was created; healed or not, scar or none; I hope this small gesture helps.

This is me saying sorry for everything. For each time you really went out of your way and I took little notice. For you having put yourself out there and I scorned it. For any pain if any was occasioned. For any action that may have affected how you saw or treated ladies from then. For whatever little or not so little impact it had.

It’s been eons but it’s never too late to apologise. I came to learn how powerful something as simple as ‘sorry’ is. So this is me years later finally doing what ought to have been done.

Satisfying Love

I picked up a lesson that had me doing some reflection. There’s a verse every single person probably knows of by now if you’ve been anywhere around church or a christian set up or camp/seminar/conference. The one quoted in Songs of Solomon a whole 3 times: Do not awaken love until you can satisfy it.

Most times we were told this with regards to the warning that you shouldn’t awaken love until the time was right. This of course is loaded with plenty of wisdom. Starting to love when you’re not ready for the responsibilities that love holds is usually a bad idea.

However, today I focus on an angle I hadn’t seen before: satisfaction of love. I think it’s prudent to begin by understanding the definition of satisfy: To fulfill the need, desire, or expectation of.

Placed in context, the verses in Songs of Solomon simply state that you should not awaken love until you can fulfill the needs, desires and expectations of love. From this point onward, it’s only befitting that we interrogate some of those needs desires and expectations.Let’s be selfish for a minute and look at love from our point of view, and no, we’re not considering agape or philia love.

Love needs to be fed and given attention for it to grow, love needs to be requited. Love expects that if it gives, it shall receive. Love needs to feel secure for it to flourish, it wants to feel safe. It expects that the other person will have their best interests at heart. It desires to trust fully. Love desires to be exalted and feel special, not to be in competition with others. Love needs to be exclusive.

This list is not exhaustive, love has countless demands and desires based on the people involved and their needs. The point is, when you’re awakening your love, when you’re growing that crush, when you’re entertaining your feelings towards someone; are you thinking about your heart, your love? Will this person that you can’t wait to give your love to, satisfy your love?

Ask yourself these questions and more. Will they make your love feel secure? Will they give your love the exclusivity it needs? Are they too distracted to satisfy your love? Are they too broken to give your love what it needs? (It’s okay to allow broken people to heal without you giving them the pressure to meet your needs).

Of course we know love does not happen overnight and you’ll not find someone already holding everything your love needs at first sight. But, find someone who is willing to be committed to walk the journey of satisfying your love as you reciprocate the same. That genuine willingness to commit is essential.

Bottom line is, your love has needs, desires and expectations; so don’t go flinging it to every other person. Let your love rest and when it can be satisfied, then awaken it. In the mean time, feel free to enjoy and exercise agape and philia love; soak in it and spread the same.

keep-calm-and-don-t-awaken-love

Persuaded Pressured?

We met at a Bible trivia competition; he was one of the two who were best in their team, I was one of the two best in ours. We were both very social. It felt like a beautiful match.

We met again soon after as he joined campus. Conversations were priceless, we hit it off from the word go. Long walks and long conversations always get to me. He was good at both. He had a way with words; his texts were quite poetic. I was hooked.

He had a way of saying the right things and noticing the smallest of details. He once said he liked how when I smiled, a slight dimple would form on one of my cheeks (finally someone noticed the dimple!!). He’d been a former bad boy and after getting saved, he vowed never to take advantage of ladies. Instead of breaking their hearts and esteem, he’d help build them. That’s why he was sincere with his words and never withheld the compliments.

Soon enough, the chemistry was undeniable. However, there was one problem: he insisted that he didn’t deserve me. Goodness, what was wrong with this guy? I was the one getting someone way out of my league; there were countless ladies that would give anything to be his. So I decided to do my best to persuade him until he realised his value. I kept telling him that just because gold was covered in mud, didn’t mean it wasn’t precious.

I don’t know whether he gave in to the pressure or he was persuaded enough. A week before I was to leave for campus, we started dating. I was sure this is what I had been waiting for.

In my head, we’d be the lovely Christian couple, doing all the right things and showing people how it should be done. We’d date through campus and I thought marriage would probably follow maybe a year or two after that. I was willing to walk with him that whole time. It would also be perfect because nobody would disturb me when I joined campus; I’d be off the market.

Well, that probably lasted for a month. In less than a month, our relationship was strained. I’d be busy during the day so I wouldn’t do prompt replies anymore. By evening he’d probably be tired of my antics and so conversations became brief. At some point I thought because he once made a comment that he feared I’d meet an amazing lawyer guy in campus and ditch him, therein lay the problem. We tried talking things out when I came home a few weeks later and agreed to revive things. Needless to say, that relationship died a slow death.

Looking back, I realised how selfish and self centred I was. That guy really put up with enough of me. I feel like I’d pushed him into it, all in the name of encouraging a man to do that which he actually wanted to do. I should have listened to him and let things stay as they were or allowed him to move at his pace; but no, this Missy liked having her way. An innocent guy probably got hurt along the way. I wished I’d sit down and talk things over; get to hear his perspective and apologize to him. I thought about it this year and tried getting his number but I wasn’t able to get any contacts. Maybe I should let sleeping dogs lie; it might do more damage if I resurrect the past. Maybe I should have done that the day I had him come and emcee my graduation party. Maybe… but maybe I’ll never know.