Tides High and Low

I can always feel when they’re coming. Them tides you know. Exciting, disheartening; high, low, in that order. A tiny ripple in calm waters, a small nudge follows. Before you know it, the force is too strong to resist. Then off you go wherever the tides were heading. To the shore or to the deep, you soon will see.

I love them tides when they are pulling me in. I get drawn quite deep until I lose myself. I love being in the deep where I have little or no control. being overwhelmed is pure ecstasy. Allow me to explain; you see, a girl like me always has control over everything. I always want to know at each point exactly where I am, where I’m going to and where I am from. I’m that girl who has to get a rough idea of how the picture looks like at all times.

Well that was until I felt the power of the sun over tides; power of the Son over my tides. Forces so strong that nothing can hinder. I find myself powerless and go with the flow. I love it when the Son draws. Little by little, I am pulled deeper and deeper. I lose sight of the shore and it is scary. I no longer have any awareness of exactly where I am but when He’s in the lead, I am not afraid. He knows me, knows what’s best for me and wants it more than I’d desire it for myself. So I let Him steer. I go as the wind of His Spirit blows.

It’s a beautiful place to be. Enchanting. Knowing that you’re not in charge of anything but watching as He takes you places and does things that are exceedingly, abundantly, above all you could ask or imagine. He goes beyond your expectations. You’re lost in Him but fully found. Completely drowning in His love and presence that you die to who you are only to find yourself very alive in Him.

You get used to that. It becomes comfortable. However, you got so fascinated that you began grabbing the steer slowly albeit unknowingly. Then the motion begins. You did not see the moon, but the faint ripple and small nudge, those you felt. And ignored. You were too caught up in the deep to notice anything.

Gradually, the power of the tide grows. It pulls and before you know it, you feel helpless. You are aware that to be safe, you need to go back to deep waters. Once or twice you try to go back but after a few attempts that mostly end in failure, you give up. You recall the many times you’d get to the places you ought to be but always fell eventually. Will this cycle ever end?

The shore comes to sight. You can feel the warmth of shallow waters. In fact, shallow waters are always warm; they are perfect environments for comfort zones. You stay there for a very long time. Long enough to completely give up on ever being as deep as you had gotten. You give up on the Son; give up on your ability to ever make it back. It’s not worth trying, maybe being lukewarm and out on the shallow waters is all you’ll ever manage to sustain.

But you forgot one thing: the unstoppable power of the Son over your tides. Forgot also that the moon still relies on the sun so ultimately, all tides are tied to the Son. He allows them motions for a reason. Whether He reveals the whys or not, it doesn’t matter. Rest in the assurance that all seasons are under His control.¬†And before you know it, the tiny ripple and little nudges are back. The deep draws you back in.

Instead of fretting or despairing on where you find yourself now, simply surrender to the Son. Be sure that He will cause you to move where He wants you to be when His timing comes. Your part is to rest and surrender. Let the tides do their thing, after all, they are simply reins the Son holds.

I leave you with these two links to remind you the beauty of surrendering to the tide:

In Over My Head- Jenn Johnson

Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)- Hillsong United

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Mountains and Valleys

I have finally decided to come here and fess (this should tell you how reading Little Women all week and watching the movie, has had an effect on me). I have carried enough and since writing helps me unpack, I’m doing just that. 

This has been a gloomy week, which makes little sense because I had the most wonderful Easter weekend. I’d planned to go home and enjoy plenty of introverting since the whole family was travelling upcountry. Needless to say, my plans backfired beautifully. Don’t you like it when God wrecks your plans and trades them for lovelier ones? 

Friday turned out to be my turn to enjoy being daddy’s girl. Went to town with him and had quite the shopping spree then late lunch at some Resort. He told me to call my little sister (not biological) to come join us and her classmate who he has a spot for since her accident. That man has such a big heart! Went to pick my friend for a sleepover and had fun ‘shopping’ in her house (that’s what true friends do, Lol). 

Saturday was mostly cooking for guests and the compliments are always worth the effort. Then ended up in town again, this time round having a girls’ day out with mum. This time round I got more than I expected from the shopping including a pretty high-low dress that had my dad voicing his concerns since he believes I’ve grown so fat that the poor dress wasn’t fitting (smh).

Sunday in church gave me plenty to meditate on and friends to reconnect with. Went for an Easter concert in town since I’d promised little sister that I’d go. Oh the praise and worship was everything my spirit craved! Decided to go for coffee which we thought was unwise since we both had limited cash. Goodness, the surprises God pulls! Someone came and paid for our mochas and cakes in advance! 

I travelled back the next day with my heart very full. I’d been more than loved on and God took me from one amazing experience to another and another. I’d received more than I’d ever imagined.

So why was it hard to have all the wonderful memories overshadow everything else? Monday evening had me battling depression alongside a misbehaving body. Later I realised the link between the condition disturbing my digestive system and depression. 

From then, things haven’t been too different. Ennui at work, long hours that made a point to move even slower, heavy downpours and dull weather that seemed to reflect my internal state and feeling completely alone. 

I didn’t go to work today; I have my misbehaving body to thank for that. Which means I’ve been in bed all day and have had all sorts of thoughts. Feelings of despair have been the thing this week. Eventually told God how I felt I wasn’t worth entrusting the gifts or talents He’s given. Wasn’t worth giving a family since I can barely keep my own house. Wasn’t worthy of love. Basically feeling like I wasn’t worth the things I hoped for.

It’s been a lot to handle and I’m not bearing it all too well. I should be drawing especially close to God right now but I’ve been lost in books and social media because I feel like I don’t even have the discipline to be intentional with God like I should. He’s been very nice and constantly present so all I’ve been doing is conversations with Him while nicely tucked in bed. 

I’m not sure how the next days will turn but I am not perturbed. Valleys precede mountains and dark days don’t last. Sorrow may last for the night but joy sure comes in the morning. So yes, this not-so-little woman will keep keeping on.