To The Grieving Heart

Hi,

I have to say, this is a hard letter to write. Where do you find words to speak to such pain? How can words capture feelings that even our own souls can’t fully decipher? What I am trying to say is that, this might not even come close to addressing what you feel now but I will try pen love and concern through this.

I know this was the most unforeseen thing. They say two things are certain on this Earth: death and taxes. But that never really prepares us when it hits us personally. Everyone is here for a short time but we never see it coming when it is our very own loved one who leaves.

We are told there are 5 stages of grief and you are probably supposed to be at the second and third stage by now. But does that denial ever really end? Each time you think you everything is beginning to sink in, a new wave of disbelief and shock hits. Even after you have confirmed the news, it keeps feeling like a bad dream.

There are way too many questions that have flooded your mind by now and they still do. So much that doesn’t make sense at all and enough that you have asked God, mostly very bitterly.

I know how much you wished you had done something that would have altered the events that took place leading to this unbelievable death (this word still feels too strange). That maybe that call would have slowed him down and now you’d be talking as usual.

But here’s the thing about life: it unfolds exactly as it should and not as we wanted. Sometimes it feels like we are just characters flowing through a film that we have no script to and have no idea when our roles end and those of the people we are attached to. It sucks honestly.

All that being said, you are the one who best knows what you feel. Don’t let anyone try to define it or tell you how it should go. It’s okay to sit with all those feelings. The love you’ve held all this time cannot be grieved in a hurry or be told how it ought to mourn. Take your time.

We’ve been taught how to avoid uncomfortable feelings or brush off pain. That somehow, we have to strive to ensure we’re feeling okay. So you’ll be told a lot of “accept and move on” or “it’s the Lord’s will so you should just accept it”. No, you sit with what you feel. Let your heart break until it reaches whatever limit. Let the love you felt manifest however it pleases this time.

I won’t tell you the whole “it gets better with time”. No, I don’t want you longing for some future and running away from this present. This is not some disease you’re healing with time. You loved and the one you loved is not here anymore. Allow your heart to mourn without rushing it or making grief feel like something bad you need to escape from.

Take each day as it comes. Go through the motions.

Sometimes, the only way is through it.

It’s okay to go through memories. It’s okay to write letters, poems, songs or whatever expressions. It’s okay to cry until you can’t find anymore tears. It’s okay to curl in bed and stay there motionless.

All in all, I don’t think there will be any words that will take this away. But in the meantime, I will send love, light, hugs and anything else I can.

Yours,

A heart that cares.

 

To The Man Behind The Lens

Dear You,

I’m not certain if I have said this before, but it is such a privilege getting to know you. You have so many layers to you that it’s an entire adventure getting to see each unveiled. Here’s the thing: you are a beautiful paradox. A wonderful mix of this cool, confident, liberal guy, yet still the uncertain guy who loves hiding in his shell.

You know, it’s perfectly okay to be both. Humans are supposed to be fairly complex and that’s what gives us our sui generis nature. What I am saying, is that it’s fine to have your shit together and still be quite clueless.

You have come such a long way. You did all that work of figuring things, digging deep, investigating, relearning and healing; all on your own. And boy, am I so proud of you! You have no idea how hard it is to sort through things that built up over way too many years, just on your own. This alone is an accomplishment 75% of the population on this Planet, hasn’t come close to. People walk around completely oblivious to these things.

All that said, you owe nobody a composed, figured-it-all-out, and confident man. Let all your anxieties, fears, uncertainties, pain, unhealed wounds, and whatever else tugs at your soul, have space to sit with you. It’s okay to feel them all. You don’t always have to be on a constant busy sorting spree.

You are allowed to be imperfect. To have baggage. To have demons haunting you.

You are human and this species of creatures isn’t perfect and it is fine.

I want you to feel free to pour all that in this space. Here, you can take off your masks. Here you can break down and I will happily pick up the pieces. Here you can cry and I will be a shoulder to cry on. Here you can stop being whatever you think a man ought to be. Here you can admit the things you aren’t sure of or times you feel lost. Here you can say the things you feared society would judge. Here you can reveal your fears. Here you will be held through it all.

There are times I have struggled to prod further because it seemed as though you had healed so much that you didn’t need my conversations on the same. Because from this angle, you have sure done a lot of work! I wish you could see yourself through my lens.

You are on the right path. Any derailment you thought you had or any delay/time wasted, was exactly where you were meant to have gone and at the right time. You’re not behind, so you have nothing to try catch up to. You are precisely where you needed to be.

You know I can talk for ages, but I will pause here for now and will gladly do a second letter after this.

Regards,

The Voice Notes Queen.