Tales Of A Clown

Currently listening to Cellophane by FKA Twigs and these lyrics linger:

“Why don’t I do it for you? Why can’t I do it for you?” 

Those two lines slap really hard. The previous song I was playing was Two Weeks by her and someone in the comments said that she perfectly captured the feeling of longing for somebody. I couldn’t agree more. The part that hit home for me was:

“I’ll put you first, just close your eyes and dream about it

Higher than a motherfucker, dreaming of you as my lover

I’ll quench your thirst, just chase the high and stop your doubting”

Boy, don’t I know that feeling all too well! How it feels like to want someone and knowing you’d be what they needed, yet they are still aloof. It’s akin to wanting someone who does not want you or doesn’t want you as much. The irony being that at that very moment, there is most likely another person who wants you that badly but you are all aloof or not equally interested.

Here’s the thing though, I understand things better now. Previously, my ego would be the one to rescue me when the clowning got too much. It was just a matter of pride when I would notice the disrespect or being strung along.

However, I came to see it for what it truly was: the playing out of the Anxious-Avoidant attachment style plus codependency (the wanting to save/fix others). The people who triggered my Anxious attachment, got the version of me that would probably be singing those FKA lyrics and my clowning ass. Those who triggered my Avoidant attachment would basically get the cold heartless bitch version.

I was busy living out the two styles depending on the person who showed up. It was mainly my emotional unavailability mixed with the fearful wounded girl within who desired love but was scared of it. The one who felt like all through the years, she had to earn love and most times, she wasn’t even good enough for the love she was seeking.

And this wasn’t just in romantic set ups; this was everywhere and with everyone. I was either emotionally distant with you or eager to please, or a weird combination of the two. Thank goodness for all the therapists and people who’d share information online on these aspects and how to heal.

I did the work and I am still doing it. After all the hard work and good progress, came the painful realisation that I will never be perfect or “fully healed”. That I can live aware, do better, be more open, make great strides and still slip once in a while. That when I get triggered, it’s not an indicator of failure or not having healed.

Triggers will come but my response is what matters most. I can sit with whatever feelings come up then hold myself with plenty of grace and kindness.

A while back, those triggers came, courtesy of someone I knew very well that I would not date. But somehow, when the other person confirmed the same, it felt like a kick in my (non-existent) balls. I was hurt and found myself eager to please or get them just to prove that I could. I sat with those feelings to figure out why somebody I didn’t want bothered me that much.

Yes, there’s the whole Rejection Sensitivity thanks to ADHD, but the rejection wound cut deeper. Most importantly, it was just my ego because I’d had the upper hand but dilly dallied until power shifted when things got defined.

Anyway, the point of this whole post is to appreciate how  far I have come and to acknowledge how things look different once you’ve faced (and accepted) your shit.

Crush Chronicles

I am supposed to be busy working but I am pretty distracted by this soulful playlist I’m listening to. I have particularly been replaying this Crush song by Yuna and Usher several times.

Speaking of crushes, you’d assume that during this whole Venus retrograde period, I would be busy enjoying crush after crush and making poor choices with exes. Lol, joke’s on me! Venus decided she preferred to stick to where she is on my Natal Chart and simply affect my possessions and material values.

But I miss having a crush; especially a social media one. You know the kind you enjoy in silence and have absolutely no plans to do anything on social media? You get butterflies watching them on their posts, comments or videos. Think about them randomly. Feel like your world was turned upside down if/when they talk to you or react to your posts. Just plenty of that feel good energy.

I had one of those very recently. They live in a different part of this planet and maybe their foreign nationality made them a little more fascinating. And you have to admit, there’s just something about South Africans. It felt good to see their posts and I was captivated by everything about them. This one had an aura that pulled you in and made you feel as though you were in the presence of royalty. Their energy screamt “regal”. I felt so small and shaky when we got talking; like how was this magnificent being even talking to me!

However, as crushes are fleeting, mine ended. Which means I am secretly (or very publicly since I am here) hoping to get another one pretty soon. I am not in the frame of mind to start a whole new relationship; I think I am still tired from my recent one. Nevertheless, I think a crush would be the perfect addition. Fun and temporary.

So I won’t be actively shopping for one, but I would not mind if the Universe threw one my way (take a hint dear Universe). In the meantime, I think I should write about my favourite crushes pretty soon and maybe the most disastrous ones, Lol.

Another Goodbye

Dear Twinflame,

Sigh, this is not an easy letter to pen but you probably will never see this or perhaps I’ll show you when our paths cross again.

I have to say, this period we’ve spent together, however brief, has been nothing short of beautiful. If all those years back, I knew this awaited, I’d have been more patient and at peace. But oh well, how were we to know?

I loved every moment of this re-encounter of ours. Loved every good morning message and each good night one sent faithfully. Loved the conversations, the sarcasm, and the laughter.

Getting to know this grown up version of you was precious. Oh my word, you truly grew up into the image of you I’d always held, even when reality looked different! This spiritually aware you is lovely to see. The mature, authentic and unapologetically honest person, all accompanied by your sense of humour; the fun, caring, and genuinely concerned self.

I have to admit, I’ve had such an incredible time with you; both while apart yet joined by technology, and actual moments spent together.

You bring out my feminine energy fully! Around you, I feel completely free to unleash my femininity. There’s no struggle; no fight. I don’t get feisty like I’ve always been. You create an environment that allows me to bloom fully.

Well, all this will certainly not make sense to you right now. There’s a lot you might not understand now.

Sigh, it sucks that we’re in different spaces right now. The girl I was when we dated all those years back, would have been totally swooned by who you are now. You’re finally at the place I’d wanted or hoped you’d be in. Oh that girl and you, would have made a perfect couple!

But I am not her anymore. My spiritual journey took me on an entirely different path. My beliefs right now would constantly baffle you and most likely push you away.

Yet somehow, your soul knows it and I can see it too in you. Nevertheless, this journey is one you’ll have to make on your own. I can’t meddle and I can’t push you. You’ll do this wonderfully at your pace.

I honestly can’t wait to see you again. Can’t wait to see how you’ll be like much more awakened and with your very powerful self in bloom. Our two forces back together would be nothing short of spectacular.

However, I can only hope. I don’t know where this journey will lead you. I haven’t the slightest clue if our paths will finally cross at the right moment when we’re both ready. But I hope.

We might bump into each other a few times and maybe talk once in a while; I sincerely would love for that to happen.

But in case it doesn’t: see you when we reunite again, whether in this life or the next (really really crossing my fingers for this lifetime).

To The Person I Wounded During Healing

Been doing some reflection on my healing journey (I had dedicated this entire year to healing of my body, emotions, mind (soul in general) and my spirit).

And healing is very messy; it brings out the worst from within because that’s what is getting addressed. Which means the worst in us is also projected outwards. Sadly, that easily flows over to others who are caught in what feels like a war path.

This got me thinking of how that played out in my life. Oh it sure has been messy! But those who’ve known me understood and watched the metamorphosis. For them I probably became better or grew into a version of me they’d appreciate.

But along came you, and unfortunately you landed right in the middle of my sorting things. Which meant you didn’t have the privilege of knowing what was going on. Enough times I’d feel like you truly didn’t know me and there were things you’d say or do that would leave me shocked at how you’d think of me that way. But soon enough I realised it was simply because you hadn’t met me fully; and it was okay because we hadn’t known each other previously.

So you had your perceptions and I had my perceptions of who I thought you were. But we were just two people going through personal journeys that made it harder for us to understand each other. You were going through your transitions and, I mine.

Along the way, we probably wounded and frustrated each other. Well, this is me apologising for times when I judged you wrongly, misunderstood you, projected my insecurities, wounded you with my words/actions and, failed to be there when you needed it because I was too busy sorting my shit.

This is me taking stock of my healing and realising that there were other casualties that I really need to address.

Hey Again

I wanted to reply just as a text but I realised I had too much to say and things I wanted to clarify, to simply put in one text.

I need you to understand that I don’t bring this up because I overthink things, like you normally say. Or because I love arguing or making a mountain out of a mole hill.

I am doing this because I acknowledge that we’re two different people who are still getting to know each other. And I’m doing this because I’m invested in this and determined to make it work. But I can’t do this alone; I will not do this alone.

Here’s the thing: love for me means concern. It means that I care about you and will always be concerned with whatever you do or what happens to you. That means I will make it a priority to check on you daily.

So when I find myself ignored for a few days, it communicates exactly what I mean to you: not a priority, not a concern for you.

I won’t lie, at first I was briefly concerned because I didn’t want to automatically assume that you were okay. But I knew you were in a place with electricity issues and most likely had your phone off due to lack of charge. Then I got pissed off when I realised you were still busy posting online and checking out all the memes I’d been sharing. Soon after, I was indifferent.

Trust me, you never want to meet my indifferent side. And no, I’m not threatening. I simply know the woman I become when I’m indifferent.

So I decided to let you talk when you eventually felt like it. I had too much shit to deal with at the moment. Moving had become a whole complicated affair, I was fighting an overwhelming bout of depression and I had physical pain that was pushing too hard.

I knew that I was at a point where I really needed help. Whether it was actual physical support or simply moral support over phone. But I always struggle when it comes to asking for help so I couldn’t tell you because, after all, it didn’t seem like you cared anyway.

But today, I made up my mind to ask you directly. I’m a firm believer that if I want answers or need something to happen, I have to do it myself. I kept hesitating because I asked myself if I hadn’t intervened last time, would you have ever bothered to reach out?

I went ahead and you know what followed. And when you apologised, I couldn’t respond because at that point, I’d be lying if I said all was okay and forgiven. It took time for me to get to this point. So now, all’s forgiven.

But here’s something you also need to know about me: I absolutely hate feeling like I’m begging someone for their attention and affection. Therefore, when it gets to a point where I find that I’m constantly the one looking for someone and there’s no reciprocity, I take a back seat and match their effort.

I’m not writing to justify anything or threaten anything. I’m allowing you to get to know me better and understand my disposition plus how I perceive things. I write to clarify. I write to let go of things in order to move forward with peace and joy.

Love Despite

I recently watched the Set it Up movie and honestly, the only thing I remember is that line: you like because, you love despite.

I’m not sure I ever told you this, but I had probably stalked your profile before you slid into my DM. So my first impression of you was based on what you’ve posted. I figured you were some serious, ambitious guy, proud of his culture and who was probably a big deal somewhere. You know; the kind women flock around, Lol. And then that day you decided to reach out. I was surprised. Probably thought you were too busy and too important to have noticed me. The rest, as they say, is history.

But here’s what was different: I never started with the whole blind infatuation. It wasn’t a Hollywood romantic story where I was so carried away and thought everything was magical.

There was this whole showing up imperfect; as though there was no pressure to pretend to be perfect. I wasn’t trying to. In fact, I was too busy putting all my imperfections on display and laying bare my controversial thoughts. I thought you probably had this pretty image of who I was and I didn’t want you hung up over whatever delusions.

And interestingly, I was also busy trying to focus on all the reasons why not. So I saw you, analysed you, and came up with all the reasons why I shouldn’t entertain the thought of us. For the life of me, I couldn’t understand why you still wanted me after all that.

The one thing that stood out was that we were simply two very real humans. This was real. The usual unnecessary pressure people normally have when trying to start something, didn’t exist. We were comfortable being our imperfect selves around each other.

You see, with every crush, situationship or relationship, I’m usually quite caught up with all the things I like about the person. But I remember someone telling me at some point that when it comes to a life partner, the yardstick is different. You don’t go with all the things you like about someone. You clearly and soberly analyse all the things that you don’t like and ask yourself if you can still do life with the person in spite of all that.

So yes, I was very clear headed and sober when getting into this. I wrestled all my demons and the reasons why not, and finally settled.

Once again, I’m not sure why I’m writing this to you. I most likely have said this to you before. Maybe I just want to emphasize it.

All in all, thank you for giving me a practical lesson on how you like because and love despite.

Hey,

It started as a joke. Something we’d disagreed on before. Then suddenly escalated to levels none of us anticipated; well at least I didn’t. And before it was properly ironed out, you hanged up on me.

I was enraged. Furious! That night, I could barely sleep because my anger was boiling right through each and every vein and artery. I couldn’t believe it. I felt quite insulted and offended. You made it clear that you were unapologetic. So I shut that door; banged it in fact. Then walked away without any doubt. I was actually proud of myself. Proud of this woman I’d become who didn’t hesitate to choose herself and didn’t linger when she felt respect was no longer being served.

After about two days, my rage lowered. So then I began to feel as though I’d been living in a lie for two months. That maybe what I thought we had and who I thought you were, unfortunately were pigments of my imagination. Which led to to feelings of betrayal.

All in all, I had no regrets whatsoever. I’d experienced something beautiful. Something that had pushed me out of my comfort zone. One that had revealed whatever insecurities still existed and the growth that had occurred. For that, I would never hold any regrets or wish it had never happened.

Eventually, I figured out the reality: you simply did not truly know me. That’s why you’d not understand why I’m such a fighter. Appreciate how incredible it is that I’m someone who’s now able to draw boundaries that I uphold. How much courage and growth it’s taken to get to a point where I could walk away if I had reason to believe that I wasn’t seen for who I am or respected.

How much love exists inside, for me to learn how to control it. How hard it is to allow people to earn my attention or affection but still be able to. What you called transactional relationships were simply an empath who’s learning how to manage everything that she feels far more strongly than most people.

And I’m not saying this to point a finger or to try justify myself. No, I’m simply sharing what I’ve discovered.

I mean, who could blame us. Two months felt like forever but it also was too short a time to have known each other. So I didn’t really know you and you me. I was completely shocked and outraged by the things you said about me because people around me who know me, would never ever arrive at such conclusions and they’d be equally shocked. And I assume people who know you better would probably do the same when they heard conclusions I arrived at after those heated conversations.

I guess this is me simply saying things that normally remain unsaid. But we had a wonderful time, you’re a good person and I respect who you are. Therefore, I didn’t want to leave things at the unpleasant state we left them at.

Old Wounds Tugging

Don’t be fooled, all the lies told to you left wounds deeper than you suspect. You might not discover it until something happens that acts as a trigger.

I heard him on a phone call. It was more professional than anything but she seemed to know him pretty well. He sounded like he knew she knows him that well. Maybe it was all the laughter. Maybe it was how he took her through a project he was on. Something he’s been working on but somehow never shared with me. Or even asked my opinion despite me previously having offered to help. Despite my making it clear how good I am at that. Despite all the times he’s praised my brilliant mind.

Well, I know I have no right to expect anything of the sort. His work is his, mine is mine. I have no right to raise eyebrows when he has someone who knows him like that. Of course we barely know each other. Let’s be realistic, it’s been too short a period.

But that didn’t stop me from suddenly having all kinds of doubt. It didn’t keep away that all too familiar feeling that once again, lies are involved. No, it didn’t even help that I easily identified it as old wounds at play.

I still began to question everything. What if he turned out to be like the others? What if the honesty and genuine personality was just a façade? What if I’d decided to trust when it wasn’t in my best interest? What if it was the reason I hadn’t shared exactly what was going on with my accountability person? She’s always been right whenever she expressed her doubts. I knew this time, she’d most likely flip!

But there’s something else I also have to grapple with: what if this is just the wounded girl trying to protect herself like she always does? What if my close friends were right in pointing out that I honestly don’t know how to be loved properly? Which is true. Anytime I felt someone getting too close and genuinely showing affection, my initial reaction is to run. To flee as fast as I can while pushing them away.

So this has nothing to do with him or with anyone else who’s tried. I’ve been reassured over and over. I have every reason to trust. But these old wounds simply won’t stop interfering.

Embraced Lies

Let me begin by saying that this was a very hard post to write but I needed to.

I found myself facing emotions that I’d buried deep and probably hadn’t even noticed. I had just finished watching a beautiful story on YouTube and it got me feeling all kinds of feels. That led me to a particular playlist and out of nowhere, I found myself in a very deep territory.

The story I’d watched left me thinking of experiences I’d gone through. I wanted to sweep it all to the forgotten corner of my subconscious mind. Then I heard a voice in my head telling me to allow myself to be truly honest. To be open and accept the uncomfortable truths. Goodness, this one led me to places I had always run away from! Consequently, it unearthed beliefs I’d held that I came to see were lies.

Belief 1: I am worth picking but not keeping.

That I would find/be found by some fascinating guy, be attracted to each other and the ball gets rolling. However, things would never really materialise.
This sadly, was something that was reinforced several times. Instead of seeing the fact that things don’t always have to work because it’s normal to be two people who want different things; my subconscious picked a contrary view. So the lie that ran was that I wasn’t worth keeping.
Eventually, I came to see that sometimes, people walk away for their own reasons and it’s okay.

Belief 2: The one I want wouldn’t want me.

A few times, I stumbled upon guys who felt like everything I was looking for (okay, let’s just say most of). Unfortunately, that also didn’t work. I remember being hit hard by the realisation that the man I’d want would probably not want me!
You know, it’s sad how we believe some narratives yet they’re only informed by one or two experiences.

But reality is that, I am who I am and by living authentically, I will attract kindred spirits. I have seen this played out in my life ever since I started to embrace that truth.

Belief 3: I am not attractive enough.

I know enough people struggle with this at one point or the other. But it’s easy to feel like it’s your ultimate truth. I remember being in school and liking a guy every girl liked. However, the guy seemed to only be interested in my other friends who were very pretty. So I gave up because I knew I couldn’t compete. This scenario was exactly repeated in the next school I went to. The interesting thing was that, after I gave up, somehow, tables turned and those guys were after me. I eventually got the guys I had wanted. Sadly, that didn’t crush the lie I believed in.

I can’t tell you how many times I believed I wasn’t beautiful or attractive enough only to later be told that there were enough guys who were attracted to me but didn’t think they stood a chance or were simply intimidated.

Reality is that beauty is in the eye of the beholder but most of all, others will not see beauty which you yourself can’t see. The most important thing was for me to see and accept it. Then realise that it doesn’t change or diminish when somebody else doesn’t see it.

Which brings me to the next belief.

Belief 4: I am intimidating

For the longest time, I kept hearing this one. So consequently, I believed that I intimidated people. Well, I didn’t see how because honestly, anyone who knows me knows the complete opposite. I couldn’t understand what about me would be intimidating. But when it gets repeated, you start accepting it as the truth. And that’s how I began to believe that guys didn’t shoot their shot because of intimidation.
Thankfully, my eyes eventually opened and I knew the problem wasn’t me but them.

Belief 5: I’m only wanted by unavailable people.

Oh this one! You know, weirdly enough, I would form the most beautiful connections with guys who were unavailable. Unavailable either emotionally or in actual sense because they had someone else.

The ones that hurt were the emotionally unavailable ones. We’d get along incredibly and connect deeply. Then because we both would be single, at some point, feelings would be involved. Whether one-sided or mutual, it would always end badly because the guy was emotionally unavailable.

The other kind came with little or no pressure because I knew they were with someone else. So I’d be busy enjoying a good friendship or great conversations because I knew there was absolutely no risk of feelings developing. Then somewhere along the way I’d be proved wrong. By that time, emotional intimacy would have grown unknowingly and therefore, things would definitely end up badly or we’d be left in this awkward space.

I won’t lie that I’ve fully sorted this one out. It’s something I’m working on but I’ll proudly say that I’m in a much better place. I no longer get captivated by emotionally unavailable men and I in fact, go the opposite way when I encounter them.

All in all, this session turned out therapeutic. I had never individually identified and clearly labelled these wrong beliefs. Inasmuch as I’ve grown to counter lies and hold onto the truths I now know, I’m still glad I got to see the full picture.

Hopefully, some day soon, I’ll be sharing how life is like when you reject the lies you held and live out the truth.

5 In Hindsight

WordPress just alerted me that I have a 5 year anniversary to celebrate here.

Interestingly, my blog anniversaries coincided with the time I started dating and broke up with my ex (Lol, yeah it was that short). Which means… drum rolls… I’ve been single for 5 whole years!!!

That time feels like an entire eternity but somehow still feels like the other day. If you ask me, this is how I’d want to describe that period:

However, you know I’m all about vulnerability so I’ll paint reality as is: it’s been one hell of a ride!

The girl that walked out of that relationship feels like someone I used to know but no longer am. Firstly, I called it off because of religious reasons (smh). Right now, I can guarantee you, my thinking is completely different. Oh the drama I saw among churchbois! Let’s just say, if time had been spun, I wouldn’t have given up on the relationship because of that.

But here’s the thing, I’d still have left for other reasons. For starters, there were lies I knew about but I chose to act dumb and figured revenge was a dish best served cold. However, the lady I am now is no longer hesitant to call out someone on their bullshit. Most of all, I do not tolerate lies. I believe a big part of adulting is the ability to speak your truth.

So yes, it’s been 5 years of singlehood but I’ll admit, I’ve had my fair share of situationships. Some didn’t work because we realised we wanted different things. Others failed because the guy turned out to be a douche bag… okay, a disappointment, or a liar sounds fairer.

Nevertheless, this has been quite the adventure like I said. I knew I was pretty sober and mature enough in my preference for the man I wanted back then. However, right now my desires have changed. Which is expected because I have experienced a significant change in the person I am.

Somewhere along the way, I got to the point where I eventually accepted something I’d been battling: that marriage in its traditional definition, may not be for me. So I no longer have my eyes set on that direction. Which forced me to redefine my idea of a relationship and my expectations.

I constantly find myself learning new things. As a matter of fact, I embarked on research on the various types of marriages/unions/relationships. I honestly can’t wait to write about that 😊.

But at this point, 5 years later, I’m so unbothered and content. Perhaps I unknowingly became my own primary relationship. I have had such wonderful times on my own that I often forget that relationships are a good thing.

All in all, I’m grateful for those 5 years because they birthed a phenomenal woman. A woman I am proud of and have come to love deeply.

Here’s to even happier years ahead!