Tales Of A Clown

Currently listening to Cellophane by FKA Twigs and these lyrics linger:

“Why don’t I do it for you? Why can’t I do it for you?” 

Those two lines slap really hard. The previous song I was playing was Two Weeks by her and someone in the comments said that she perfectly captured the feeling of longing for somebody. I couldn’t agree more. The part that hit home for me was:

“I’ll put you first, just close your eyes and dream about it

Higher than a motherfucker, dreaming of you as my lover

I’ll quench your thirst, just chase the high and stop your doubting”

Boy, don’t I know that feeling all too well! How it feels like to want someone and knowing you’d be what they needed, yet they are still aloof. It’s akin to wanting someone who does not want you or doesn’t want you as much. The irony being that at that very moment, there is most likely another person who wants you that badly but you are all aloof or not equally interested.

Here’s the thing though, I understand things better now. Previously, my ego would be the one to rescue me when the clowning got too much. It was just a matter of pride when I would notice the disrespect or being strung along.

However, I came to see it for what it truly was: the playing out of the Anxious-Avoidant attachment style plus codependency (the wanting to save/fix others). The people who triggered my Anxious attachment, got the version of me that would probably be singing those FKA lyrics and my clowning ass. Those who triggered my Avoidant attachment would basically get the cold heartless bitch version.

I was busy living out the two styles depending on the person who showed up. It was mainly my emotional unavailability mixed with the fearful wounded girl within who desired love but was scared of it. The one who felt like all through the years, she had to earn love and most times, she wasn’t even good enough for the love she was seeking.

And this wasn’t just in romantic set ups; this was everywhere and with everyone. I was either emotionally distant with you or eager to please, or a weird combination of the two. Thank goodness for all the therapists and people who’d share information online on these aspects and how to heal.

I did the work and I am still doing it. After all the hard work and good progress, came the painful realisation that I will never be perfect or “fully healed”. That I can live aware, do better, be more open, make great strides and still slip once in a while. That when I get triggered, it’s not an indicator of failure or not having healed.

Triggers will come but my response is what matters most. I can sit with whatever feelings come up then hold myself with plenty of grace and kindness.

A while back, those triggers came, courtesy of someone I knew very well that I would not date. But somehow, when the other person confirmed the same, it felt like a kick in my (non-existent) balls. I was hurt and found myself eager to please or get them just to prove that I could. I sat with those feelings to figure out why somebody I didn’t want bothered me that much.

Yes, there’s the whole Rejection Sensitivity thanks to ADHD, but the rejection wound cut deeper. Most importantly, it was just my ego because I’d had the upper hand but dilly dallied until power shifted when things got defined.

Anyway, the point of this whole post is to appreciate how  far I have come and to acknowledge how things look different once you’ve faced (and accepted) your shit.

To The Person I Wounded During Healing

Been doing some reflection on my healing journey (I had dedicated this entire year to healing of my body, emotions, mind (soul in general) and my spirit).

And healing is very messy; it brings out the worst from within because that’s what is getting addressed. Which means the worst in us is also projected outwards. Sadly, that easily flows over to others who are caught in what feels like a war path.

This got me thinking of how that played out in my life. Oh it sure has been messy! But those who’ve known me understood and watched the metamorphosis. For them I probably became better or grew into a version of me they’d appreciate.

But along came you, and unfortunately you landed right in the middle of my sorting things. Which meant you didn’t have the privilege of knowing what was going on. Enough times I’d feel like you truly didn’t know me and there were things you’d say or do that would leave me shocked at how you’d think of me that way. But soon enough I realised it was simply because you hadn’t met me fully; and it was okay because we hadn’t known each other previously.

So you had your perceptions and I had my perceptions of who I thought you were. But we were just two people going through personal journeys that made it harder for us to understand each other. You were going through your transitions and, I mine.

Along the way, we probably wounded and frustrated each other. Well, this is me apologising for times when I judged you wrongly, misunderstood you, projected my insecurities, wounded you with my words/actions and, failed to be there when you needed it because I was too busy sorting my shit.

This is me taking stock of my healing and realising that there were other casualties that I really need to address.