Purpose For The Pain

I met someone over the weekend; not the kind of someone you think 🙂

The kind of person who puts plenty into perspective. Meaning is found for queries long unanswered. This particular one was a girl in high school. We were at their school all weekend and I had missed students’ ministry. We had just finished facilitating a session for all the girls who wanted to become lawyers. She followed me as we walked out. I didn’t mind; as a matter of fact, I absolutely love those one-on-one conversations.

I initially assumed it was a career related issue since that’s what we were discussing. Wrong. Turns out, while we were winding up, I mentioned how my coming this far sincerely took God and hinted at the crazy health drama I’ve had. That’s the part that got her attention.

She begins to speak and I it feels like she stole the script from the story of my life. She sounds kinda like me and our personalities are too similar; but this wasn’t it yet. She starts to explain all the health issues she’s had. No way! She’s literally stating all the areas of my body that I’ve had trouble with. I listen to her almost speechless. This is more than unbelievable! She’s in tears and I’m almost following suit but I hold them back.

I can’t recall most of what I told her afterwards but I narrated my issues as well and we exchanged experiences that had left us emotionally drained, mentally overwhelmed and on the verge of despair. Things that people around us probably never get. The relief! Seeing that in this world, it’s possible to have someone who truly understands the very lengths, breadths and heights of your pain. Needless to say, we hit it off and became friends.

As I was reflecting on this later, I got thinking that if this was all the purpose to my pain, then it was worth it. Sharing my story with someone who was living it as well and encouraging her to not give up because I too was making it through. Being there to remind each other that all the dark days and all the tears, were not for nothing.

We might never fully see the purpose our tears, break downs, valleys and unbearable moments accomplished; but rest in this darling: it wasn’t pointless. God never wastes our pain. Someone somewhere will survive what you’re going through just because of your story. Hold on, fight through; it sure is worth it.

The Unexpected Dalliance

What would I do if someone I was dating or married to, cheated? If we were dating, then it’s easy: I’d dump you faster than you could assemble the five letters your apology would begin with. With dating, it’s simpler because the two of you aren’t bound legally or spiritually. If they’re cheating when they have the option to leave, how are they to be trusted when the two of you are married? Dating is the nursery bed/seedbed where whatever is planted there is transferred when marriage comes and everything grows to bigger proportions.

If it was somebody I was married to, hmmm, now that becomes a little more complicated. Most people will simply tell you to pack your bags and run immediately, others would advise you to stay and work through it. Yes I am completely against divorce because I strongly believe marriage isn’t just something you walk into and out of at your pleasure; it’s a serious institution.

I personally would first interrogate and find out what it was exactly: a one-night stand or an affair. A one time sexual escapade is easier to deal with; not easy but slightly better compared to the rest. He wouldn’t just say sorry and be forgiven, no we’d involve our best couple (who would have been walking with us all through the years) and possibly, our spiritual authority. Basically people we could trust and those who had been married way longer than us and had the wisdom to handle such things. This is something that would require us talking and finding out why it happened and what next.

If it was a sexual affair, I would still go through the same process. This of course would be much more serious because he made the choice repeatedly. Anything sexual forms bonds, so getting over it would not be a walk in the Park. Sex for women creates much stronger bonds than it does for men.

The one that would worry me the most is the affair where there was no sexual activity but she had my husband’s emotions and mind. The kind where he couldn’t wait to see or talk to her. The type where their minds danced to a similar tune. Where her words had him captivated. The kind where his mind was drawn fully or to such a great extent that it was hard to get out. She who made him laugh. The one who had him excited. The one who he thought truly understood him. The one who listens when he talks about his problems. The one who helps him forget his troubles. The one who becomes his distraction. The one he’s not afraid to tell anything. The one with whom he can be himself. That is the one I would be worried about… and if that happened, then I do not know what I would do.

Clearly, it is true that none of these things are as easy as we think, until it happens to you. For now, I speculate and go with what my single mind thinks, if this ever occurs (and I hope not) then I hope something here will be of use.

All Things Nice and Pink

Nymphaea-Red-Flare

via Daily Prompt: Pink

I must admit, for more times than I’d care to admit, I’d stare at the Daily Prompts and promise myself that one day I’d grab that bull by the horns and write whatever random post that comes up for that day. Then I’d come up with a myriad of excuses. You see this isn’t about prompts that don’t match my general blog theme; I simply chickened out.

Fear’s nasty! It sucks every drop of life in your already frail life. I say frail because you can’t be shackled by fear and assume your life is something. You’re stuck with a slave driver that doesn’t allow you to get anything meaningful from life.

Lately, it became evident that I had turned to this constantly afraid, egg-shell walking, timid creature. I lost my voice (not literally) and could barely speak up for myself. I had this ability to come up with fears the average person would never believe. They ranged from constantly fearing I’d lose my job to fearing my house would collapse during heavy rains (Lol, I kid you not! I even came up with strategies on how to survive that).

Until recently while travelling from home after days of being so sick and battling depression; I noticed just how bad it was. God highlighted the way my life had practically stopped. I didn’t know who the timid girl I’d become was, I had no dreams, hopes or ambitions and had life completely drained. That’s when He challenged me with this little statement: take a risk. I began, albeit slowly.

Yesterday it took a Girls’ date with my amazing pink Prada bag-buying darling to wake me fully to living in the risk taking reality. A gray dress with pink stripes had her drag me out for shopping and from then on, I took one crazy step after another. Talking, laughing, bearing our souls out and good food was the perfect recipe to bring me back alive. I started remembering who I used to be and who I’m meant to be. Life sipped back… no, it gushed backed.

Last night as I got back to the house exhausted but bubbling with life, it took one last experience to crown it all. I decided to make my bed and picked a pink pair of sheets I liked. As I got into that mass of pink and curled myself comfortable surrounded by quantities of pink that would make most people choke (hey, don’t judge), I was suddenly filled with unexplainable joy. Yes pink makes me happy. It always reminds me that I am a daughter and such a girly girl at heart. The bubbly, unshakably confident, happy-go-lucky person arose.

I already feel the difference and I must say: I’m loving this, I’m loving the me.

Miss me

Miss me with your expectations. Yep. I probably won’t meet them.

You’ll find me quite a handful (and you’d need big hands for this), you’ll find me hard to understand at times and I’ll step on your toes oft enough. 

I took after my dad’s stubbornness. I like having my way. I talk a lot just as he does. I became more introverted like my mum when I grew up. I have moments where I want to be alone and don’t appreciate human interaction. I am a dreamer like my brother but not the best at implementation of those ideas. 

I am a weird combination of a perfectionist and a messy sanguine. So you’ll find neatly organised rooms one moment and the next, they will look like the aftermath of hurricane me. I love cooking for people but I don’t feel like it often. By now you’ve noticed discipline isn’t my forte.

Yes I grew up being daddy’s girl but somehow that didn’t insulate me from the daddy issues you’ll find still healing. If I got half the heart my dad has for people and the kind of love he’s shown me; then you’ll proud of me. My mum’s amazing intelligence wasn’t the only thing that was passed down; I learnt kindness, generosity and unbelievable patience. Not that I’m good at them but I’m learning. My brother’s ability to go after what he wants and his people skills also rub off on me. That young man inspires me in ways I can’t explain.

So yes, I’m work in progress. I don’t mind learning and accept growth. I joked the other day about how God forgot moderation when creating me. Everything about me is extreme; both the good and ugly. But rest in this: God’s got me. I’ve watched the way He’s moulding me and it’s encouraging. Oh you should know how in love I am with Him. He lavishes me with His own love!

Most of all, I acknowledge this: miss me with your expectations is a two-edged sword. This isn’t just for you but me as well. You’re who you are and perfect as you are. So when you come, I’ll lay my expectations on the altar and take you for who you are.

The Art of Reciprocation

Somebody told me that I need to allow people to love me. I laughed. I mean, I have a thousand issues but none of them involved rejecting love from people. As a matter of fact, I was certain that my problem was the opposite: I give love and expect it but few offer it back. I don’t mean the shallow stuff we usually throw around but the genuine kind. The type that isn’t repelled by your mess. The kind that can stay right through storms. The reliable one that’s a phone call away when you need help.
After some time, I thought I’d ask someone. Just in case I was blind to this. Her response was that I’m easy to love and I have no issues accepting the same. She thought whoever told me was simply projecting what he actually needed to learn. 

Then one day it dawned on me in a completely new light! I made up my mind to give people room to love me; give them space to show it. I took a backseat and embarked on an interesting journey. 

I stopped looking for people; I allowed them to figure if I was important enough to call or text. I started giving only what I received. Friendship became a tango, I danced as I was led. If communication was prioritized, then I’d reciprocate. I gave in the measures I was given. 

This opened my eyes and helped me see things with such clarity. I now know what I mean to different people and what they mean to me.

You see naturally, I’m a giver and I invest excessively in my friendships. I cross oceans for people and pull heaven if need be for them. However, I’ve watched my overflowing affections scorned. Sacrifices made in terms of time, money or even simply talk time on phone; taken for granted or seen as a nuisance.

Everybody has their breaking point, there’s always a time when enough is enough. So I’m done bending over backwards for people who don’t see the value of sacrifices made. 

Take it from me, it’s okay to go where you’re appreciated, in fact I highly recommend that. It’s okay to know how much to give to who. It’s okay to stop scattering your pearls before pigs. It’s okay to understand that sometimes you’re some fat juicy steak and that no matter how great you are, the vegans around you will never see your worth. Most of all, it’s okay to guard who you are and what you’ve got. Not every person should be allowed unlimited access to what you can offer. Allow them to earn it. 

Tears For Breakfast

Table is set

Heavy thoughts line it up well,

Despair provides a lovely cover.

The appetizer first

Pretty pink and white pill,

More thoughts to wash it down.

Frustration, heartache, despondence

Make a balanced diet.

Pop out those flavours

A dash of salt will do

Yes, salt in fluid form.

Drown that with music

As you nibble on tea and bread.

But that’s just the cover up

In reality it is evident

Tears were your breakfast.

Mountains and Valleys

I have finally decided to come here and fess (this should tell you how reading Little Women all week and watching the movie, has had an effect on me). I have carried enough and since writing helps me unpack, I’m doing just that. 

This has been a gloomy week, which makes little sense because I had the most wonderful Easter weekend. I’d planned to go home and enjoy plenty of introverting since the whole family was travelling upcountry. Needless to say, my plans backfired beautifully. Don’t you like it when God wrecks your plans and trades them for lovelier ones? 

Friday turned out to be my turn to enjoy being daddy’s girl. Went to town with him and had quite the shopping spree then late lunch at some Resort. He told me to call my little sister (not biological) to come join us and her classmate who he has a spot for since her accident. That man has such a big heart! Went to pick my friend for a sleepover and had fun ‘shopping’ in her house (that’s what true friends do, Lol). 

Saturday was mostly cooking for guests and the compliments are always worth the effort. Then ended up in town again, this time round having a girls’ day out with mum. This time round I got more than I expected from the shopping including a pretty high-low dress that had my dad voicing his concerns since he believes I’ve grown so fat that the poor dress wasn’t fitting (smh).

Sunday in church gave me plenty to meditate on and friends to reconnect with. Went for an Easter concert in town since I’d promised little sister that I’d go. Oh the praise and worship was everything my spirit craved! Decided to go for coffee which we thought was unwise since we both had limited cash. Goodness, the surprises God pulls! Someone came and paid for our mochas and cakes in advance! 

I travelled back the next day with my heart very full. I’d been more than loved on and God took me from one amazing experience to another and another. I’d received more than I’d ever imagined.

So why was it hard to have all the wonderful memories overshadow everything else? Monday evening had me battling depression alongside a misbehaving body. Later I realised the link between the condition disturbing my digestive system and depression. 

From then, things haven’t been too different. Ennui at work, long hours that made a point to move even slower, heavy downpours and dull weather that seemed to reflect my internal state and feeling completely alone. 

I didn’t go to work today; I have my misbehaving body to thank for that. Which means I’ve been in bed all day and have had all sorts of thoughts. Feelings of despair have been the thing this week. Eventually told God how I felt I wasn’t worth entrusting the gifts or talents He’s given. Wasn’t worth giving a family since I can barely keep my own house. Wasn’t worthy of love. Basically feeling like I wasn’t worth the things I hoped for.

It’s been a lot to handle and I’m not bearing it all too well. I should be drawing especially close to God right now but I’ve been lost in books and social media because I feel like I don’t even have the discipline to be intentional with God like I should. He’s been very nice and constantly present so all I’ve been doing is conversations with Him while nicely tucked in bed. 

I’m not sure how the next days will turn but I am not perturbed. Valleys precede mountains and dark days don’t last. Sorrow may last for the night but joy sure comes in the morning. So yes, this not-so-little woman will keep keeping on.