Lost

I won’t lie, this vulnerability thing is haaaaaard! Right now, I’d much rather do a prettier and sugar coated version of this. But I need to be brutally honest with myself and writing is usually the best way to sincerely sort through things that feel overwhelming.

Long story short: I’m lost. Or rather that’s how I feel. I’m not even sure I feel anything; or anything I can put a name on.

Someone texted in an online mental health group I’m in, asking how each of us was. The only words I could respond with were: just there. Or as I like putting it: comme çi comme ça. Me who loves words and can describe anything effortlessly. Same me that’s the ultimate therapist and great understander of human psychology (well, self appointed). Yes, same me can’t even tell what I feel.

But the one thing that doesn’t lack clarity is how lost and clueless I feel at this point. I can’t tell you what I want. What I plan to do two months from now. Heck, I can’t even say what I’ll be doing tomorrow. Because I just don’t know.

And let me emphasize, admitting this was incredibly hard.

In this age where people are achieving impossible feats before they turn 20. Where 21 year olds are solving global problems. Where 25 year olds are millionaires with empires.

In this very age where we have the greatest access to information like never before. Where not knowing anything is almost a crime.

In this age, we’re expected to know things. To be very self aware and always know where we’re headed. Admitting you’re lost is insane! It’s almost like a career or social suicide.

But this is me saying it out hoping that it gives me more courage to be more honest about it. Hoping that it will assure somebody else that they’re not alone.

Most of all, I hope this helps to change the norm. That it will remind us that we’re human and we don’t have to always know it all or have everything figured out every single time.

As humans, we’re allowed to reinvent ourselves. We’re allowed to evolve and change. Which means, every once in a while, you’ll go from what’s always been familiar to unknown territories. Consequently, you’ll find yourself not knowing where on earth you are or where the hell you’re going.

And all that is perfectly okay. Trust me, I’m writing this because I also desperately need to be reminded. So from here on, I’ll stop beating myself and stop trying to fight this or find quick solutions.

I’ll simply stay in the moment and stop resisting what is. I’m currently lost and it’s really okay.

Love Despite

I recently watched the Set it Up movie and honestly, the only thing I remember is that line: you like because, you love despite.

I’m not sure I ever told you this, but I had probably stalked your profile before you slid into my DM. So my first impression of you was based on what you’ve posted. I figured you were some serious, ambitious guy, proud of his culture and who was probably a big deal somewhere. You know; the kind women flock around, Lol. And then that day you decided to reach out. I was surprised. Probably thought you were too busy and too important to have noticed me. The rest, as they say, is history.

But here’s what was different: I never started with the whole blind infatuation. It wasn’t a Hollywood romantic story where I was so carried away and thought everything was magical.

There was this whole showing up imperfect; as though there was no pressure to pretend to be perfect. I wasn’t trying to. In fact, I was too busy putting all my imperfections on display and laying bare my controversial thoughts. I thought you probably had this pretty image of who I was and I didn’t want you hung up over whatever delusions.

And interestingly, I was also busy trying to focus on all the reasons why not. So I saw you, analysed you, and came up with all the reasons why I shouldn’t entertain the thought of us. For the life of me, I couldn’t understand why you still wanted me after all that.

The one thing that stood out was that we were simply two very real humans. This was real. The usual unnecessary pressure people normally have when trying to start something, didn’t exist. We were comfortable being our imperfect selves around each other.

You see, with every crush, situationship or relationship, I’m usually quite caught up with all the things I like about the person. But I remember someone telling me at some point that when it comes to a life partner, the yardstick is different. You don’t go with all the things you like about someone. You clearly and soberly analyse all the things that you don’t like and ask yourself if you can still do life with the person in spite of all that.

So yes, I was very clear headed and sober when getting into this. I wrestled all my demons and the reasons why not, and finally settled.

Once again, I’m not sure why I’m writing this to you. I most likely have said this to you before. Maybe I just want to emphasize it.

All in all, thank you for giving me a practical lesson on how you like because and love despite.

The Paradox of Knowledge

I somehow recalled some quote (or scientific law) I probably learnt eons ago: “The more you know, the less you know”. Been trying to research and find where it originally came from but that just led me down a rabbit hole and left me with more quotes than answers.

It’s funny how the most random of things can trigger an epiphany, and for me, believe it or not, it took Moana. I was bored and on Netflix so when I stumbled upon Moana (or Vaiana as it is now called), I knew I didn’t mind repeating it for the nth time.

There are movies or tales/books that make me come alive or remind me of who I am, and crazy as it sounds, Moana is one of them (yes, yes, I know I’m weird, Lol). Not that you asked, nevertheless, the others include but are not limited to: The Matrix because of Neo and how to view the World, Terminator because of Sarah Connor an how you might feel extremely ordinary now yet the powers that be seek to destroy you because of how your role in future is of paramount importance, and Waking The Dead by John Elderidge because I swear that entire book is my ultimate wake-up call!

So when Moana has that moment where she’s completely done but her grandma comes back to ask if she knows who she is, I realised I no longer know how to answer that question.

Which is strange because my self awareness is on a whole other level! It’s taken all these years to discover and do plenty of inner work. For instance, I can tell you how I am an empath and a Multipotentialite (or Scanner as Barbara Sher calls us) and how those two shape all my actions or thoughts or Worldview . I am aware of how my health battles affect my life. I understand what emotional wounds or past traumas make me act or perceive things as I do, and constantly work on healing them.

However, even with all that, Moana still made me realise how at this point I honestly don’t know who I am or what I want to do. I could tell that this was subconsciously driven by the fact that I will soon be going for surgery to get these fibroids removed and I’ll be back to having a normal life. Instead of excitement, my initial (and current) reaction is a more perplexed one.

Who will I be once I can go back to doing whatever I want? What job or business or project will I embark on? Suddenly that pressure feels overwhelming. It’s worse when you can do absolutely anything because of being a multipotentialite and having multiple interests and abilities. There’s so much you can do that you don’t even know what to choose first.

To be sincere, I do not like being in this space right now. It’s quite uncomfortable and I hate feeling disoriented. Nonetheless, I am also certain that this is simply the ending of one season and the labour pains that come with birthing a new one.

So maybe it’s not that knowing too much left me knowing nothing. It perhaps might simply be the stage where everything I know is being aligned to enable me to move to where I need to go in this coming season. Well, I guess I’ll find out as more days unfold.

Hey,

It started as a joke. Something we’d disagreed on before. Then suddenly escalated to levels none of us anticipated; well at least I didn’t. And before it was properly ironed out, you hanged up on me.

I was enraged. Furious! That night, I could barely sleep because my anger was boiling right through each and every vein and artery. I couldn’t believe it. I felt quite insulted and offended. You made it clear that you were unapologetic. So I shut that door; banged it in fact. Then walked away without any doubt. I was actually proud of myself. Proud of this woman I’d become who didn’t hesitate to choose herself and didn’t linger when she felt respect was no longer being served.

After about two days, my rage lowered. So then I began to feel as though I’d been living in a lie for two months. That maybe what I thought we had and who I thought you were, unfortunately were pigments of my imagination. Which led to to feelings of betrayal.

All in all, I had no regrets whatsoever. I’d experienced something beautiful. Something that had pushed me out of my comfort zone. One that had revealed whatever insecurities still existed and the growth that had occurred. For that, I would never hold any regrets or wish it had never happened.

Eventually, I figured out the reality: you simply did not truly know me. That’s why you’d not understand why I’m such a fighter. Appreciate how incredible it is that I’m someone who’s now able to draw boundaries that I uphold. How much courage and growth it’s taken to get to a point where I could walk away if I had reason to believe that I wasn’t seen for who I am or respected.

How much love exists inside, for me to learn how to control it. How hard it is to allow people to earn my attention or affection but still be able to. What you called transactional relationships were simply an empath who’s learning how to manage everything that she feels far more strongly than most people.

And I’m not saying this to point a finger or to try justify myself. No, I’m simply sharing what I’ve discovered.

I mean, who could blame us. Two months felt like forever but it also was too short a time to have known each other. So I didn’t really know you and you me. I was completely shocked and outraged by the things you said about me because people around me who know me, would never ever arrive at such conclusions and they’d be equally shocked. And I assume people who know you better would probably do the same when they heard conclusions I arrived at after those heated conversations.

I guess this is me simply saying things that normally remain unsaid. But we had a wonderful time, you’re a good person and I respect who you are. Therefore, I didn’t want to leave things at the unpleasant state we left them at.