The Grief of Goodbyes

Can we just agree that goodbyes suck?
Even when they’re necessary.
Even when they’re good for you.
Even when they were long overdue.

Goodbyes come accompanied by grief.
There’s a part of you that you let go of as you bid adieu to whatever chapter of your life, a person, or a version of you.
You have to mourn the fact that something or someone that had been so familiar and a normal part of your reality, will no longer be part of your future.

I feel like I’m grieving various losses at once:
-A part of me that had been suppressed for years which resurfaced so powerfully lately, and it left me grieving the person I’d adapted to be.
-People I’d grown so fond of that had to go because I don’t tolerate disrespect or any form of bullshit.
-Methods of relating to people that I’d been taught by society but realised that they don’t work for me; methods that are so easy and comfortable.
-Reminders of people I lost to death and navigating both collective and individual grief.
-The life I thought I’d have and the one I see my peers already living.

This list isn’t exhaustive but it’ll have to do for now.

The last part about the life I thought I’d have, sort of hit a little hard lately. I see those I used to walk with vey closely and the lovely lives they curated for themselves. It reminds me of the prestigious path that I walked away from in order to live a life that was more authentic to me.

Don’t get me wrong; I wouldn’t trade my current life. I absolutely love the joy I derive from the meaningful work that I do, the life it’s afforded me, the flexibility I have to control my hours, the freedom to easily pack at a moment’s notice and go wherever I want, the peace of mind, the absence of burnout, and how it aligns to my unique personality. This right here feels like the dream I didn’t think was possible.

However, the dream came with such a high price. There was a lot to discard, people I had to walk away from, disappointments I had to issue, internal battles, lots of unlearning, and several other unsaid things. Nevertheless, the part that currently stings is the pain of having to start over again a couple of times.

New beginnings might be wonderful, but they’re also hard af! You find yourself in a new territory where it feels like you’re starting from scratch. There’s so much to learn, so much shit to figure out, lots of uncertainties to deal with, doubts occasionally assaulting you, and plenty of work.
It almost feels easier to just go back to what you were already used to because there’s such good comfort in familiarity.

Yes growth and changes can be painful. Yes there might be a price to pay. Yes there are also numerous joys to look forward to and expansion that will serve you well.

It’s okay to celebrate the new chapter while still grieving the old one.
It’s okay to miss something or someone but still be sure that cutting them off was the best decision.
It’s okay to affirm your choices while still wondering if you made the right one.
It’s okay to feel sad about the past while still excited about the future.

Goodbyes and grief will always accompany each other because where there’s new life, there was also death.

Tales Of A Clown

Currently listening to Cellophane by FKA Twigs and these lyrics linger:

“Why don’t I do it for you? Why can’t I do it for you?” 

Those two lines slap really hard. The previous song I was playing was Two Weeks by her and someone in the comments said that she perfectly captured the feeling of longing for somebody. I couldn’t agree more. The part that hit home for me was:

“I’ll put you first, just close your eyes and dream about it

Higher than a motherfucker, dreaming of you as my lover

I’ll quench your thirst, just chase the high and stop your doubting”

Boy, don’t I know that feeling all too well! How it feels like to want someone and knowing you’d be what they needed, yet they are still aloof. It’s akin to wanting someone who does not want you or doesn’t want you as much. The irony being that at that very moment, there is most likely another person who wants you that badly but you are all aloof or not equally interested.

Here’s the thing though, I understand things better now. Previously, my ego would be the one to rescue me when the clowning got too much. It was just a matter of pride when I would notice the disrespect or being strung along.

However, I came to see it for what it truly was: the playing out of the Anxious-Avoidant attachment style plus codependency (the wanting to save/fix others). The people who triggered my Anxious attachment, got the version of me that would probably be singing those FKA lyrics and my clowning ass. Those who triggered my Avoidant attachment would basically get the cold heartless bitch version.

I was busy living out the two styles depending on the person who showed up. It was mainly my emotional unavailability mixed with the fearful wounded girl within who desired love but was scared of it. The one who felt like all through the years, she had to earn love and most times, she wasn’t even good enough for the love she was seeking.

And this wasn’t just in romantic set ups; this was everywhere and with everyone. I was either emotionally distant with you or eager to please, or a weird combination of the two. Thank goodness for all the therapists and people who’d share information online on these aspects and how to heal.

I did the work and I am still doing it. After all the hard work and good progress, came the painful realisation that I will never be perfect or “fully healed”. That I can live aware, do better, be more open, make great strides and still slip once in a while. That when I get triggered, it’s not an indicator of failure or not having healed.

Triggers will come but my response is what matters most. I can sit with whatever feelings come up then hold myself with plenty of grace and kindness.

A while back, those triggers came, courtesy of someone I knew very well that I would not date. But somehow, when the other person confirmed the same, it felt like a kick in my (non-existent) balls. I was hurt and found myself eager to please or get them just to prove that I could. I sat with those feelings to figure out why somebody I didn’t want bothered me that much.

Yes, there’s the whole Rejection Sensitivity thanks to ADHD, but the rejection wound cut deeper. Most importantly, it was just my ego because I’d had the upper hand but dilly dallied until power shifted when things got defined.

Anyway, the point of this whole post is to appreciate how  far I have come and to acknowledge how things look different once you’ve faced (and accepted) your shit.

Hiding Behind Couches

It’s been a really long time since I was here. To be honest, I am actually here because I can’t remember the login details of a different blog I started, Lol.

Now that I think about it, this is the perfect illustration of what today’s post is about. You see, I absolutely love this site. I created it 8 years ago and it was my wonderful online journal. I figured my vulnerability may as well be shared because someone out here might resonate.

Let’s just say, I eventually discovered I’m not as vulnerable as I thought I was. Vulnerability was okay when the people who came here were a little similar to me and related with what I was saying. But one thing I hadn’t factored, is just how much I would evolve and change into a whole new person.

I had already started to shy away from writing about some things. Then one time, my mum’s friend mentioned how she used to read my posts and had been genuinely concerned about my mental health. It was such a lovely gesture but that’s when it hit me that I was very exposed.

You see, it’s easier to be vulnerable with people who are like you or when it’s complete strangers. That shit hits differently when it’s people around you. I could break down all the psychological reasons why this is yet another thing that’s not okay and needs healing from; but that’s not the point today.

So when my online journal started to feel infiltrated and I could no longer be as open because I’d changed to a different person; I left. It sucked to leave because this is my baby, but I did.

Let’s face it, leaving has always been my thing. Oh escapism and avoidance were things I effortlessly did! At the core of it, I know it’s just the fear of being truly and fully seen.

Back to the couches. Today I had an epiphany while on my friend’s couch. Last night I told her I wouldn’t share the bed as we mostly do when I’m around, because I was in pain and needed to be alone. I explained that couches are always comfortable for me and even while staying with other friends, I usually prefer their couches.

This morning, the truth dawned on me: it wasn’t that I loved couches and found them safe, it’s that it was always safe to be by myself. On nights I wanted to process my emotions, or when I was in pain due to health issues, or my sense of safety had been threatened; retreating was my thing. And when I was in a place where I couldn’t just lock myself in a room as I do at home, I quickly run to the couch.

So couches aren’t my refuge or favourite delightful place. They are examples of how it’s easier for me to avoid being vulnerable with those close to me or simply allow them to be there when I am most vulnerable. It’s me being afraid of being seen because deep down, I fear they wouldn’t know what to do or wouldn’t hold space for that level of vulnerability.

It’s safer to hide behind couches than face reality. But it certainly isn’t healthy.

We deserve spaces where we can be seen in our totality and be embraced. Where we don’t have to partition our lives and have one person see this side of you and another knows a separate part. So that ultimately, nobody really gets to fully know every single bit of who you are.

Before 2021 ended, I remember my Guides asking me what it would be like for me to have a space where all parts of me could show up at the same time, and be beautifully accepted. I realised I didn’t know what that looked like. Therefore, I decided to indulge that. To dare to dream of such spaces. And most importantly, to begin working towards being ready for such.

Because you see, it’s possible to get that and still fuck it up. If whatever inside me makes me closed off or emotionally unavailable or triggers the anxious-avoidant attachment style, isn’t healed, I’ll either fail to notice those spaces or I’ll self sabotage when I get them.

Which means more work to do. I won’t lie, the amount of inner work I’ve had to do over the past several years, is A LOT. And seeing that I’m still a bit of a wreck after all the work, makes the idea of more work, a little daunting.

So I’ll hold myself with grace and kindness as I do this. I’ll be gentle with myself and remember that being human means that I’ll never be perfect, but I’m still adequately good as I am at this moment. I’ll sit with the things that come up, attend to them and grow because I am committed to investing in being the best version of who I am at each point.

Most of all, I’ll remind myself today that I can no longer keep hiding behind couches. I am worthy of being seen.

Becoming My Own Cheerleader

I am very proud of myself today! I’m not here to flaunt what would appear to be mere vanity. You see, being a Virgo, I am my own worst critic. So as expected, I notice mostly my flaws and all the things I could do better.

But today, my focus was on the opposite.

Last night something happened that was supposed to tear me apart and leave utterly overwhelmed today. But somehow, today is actually the one day I’ve spent the least time in bed.

I didn’t go out looking for things to do or achievements to make. No, on the contrary, I got out of bed involuntarily to go help my dad search for something. And then I had to take breakfast because I was famished. Yes somewhere along the way I took a break to watch a movie on Netflix.

Today, I managed to disinfect every surface and handle I could think of in this house (I can thank Corona for giving me an excuse to freely do what my low-key OCD already likes doing). I cleaned the entire house, got time to undo my twists and do chunky loose twists, recorded videos for Instagram and Facebook, shared them on my personal accounts and pages I’d set up, and even managed to record one for YouTube (a lot of work). Even though I haven’t uploaded the YouTube one, I’m still struggling with video editing softwares and apps to get some necessary editing done. And I’m about to go cook supper for the family.

Yeah, I know it doesn’t seem like much to most people. But given my recent frequent battles with depression and anxiety, and coming out of an event that should have knocked me out… I feel like I’m kicking some serious ass!

So seeing as constantly being my best critic (a full-time job that I’m not even getting paid for, smh) isn’t working as well, I have decided I’ll stick to being my own favourite cheerleader. From now on, I choose to deliberately see and celebrate any progress I make and even the smallest accomplishments (including simply breathing for a whole day or getting out of bed).

To The Person I Wounded During Healing

Been doing some reflection on my healing journey (I had dedicated this entire year to healing of my body, emotions, mind (soul in general) and my spirit).

And healing is very messy; it brings out the worst from within because that’s what is getting addressed. Which means the worst in us is also projected outwards. Sadly, that easily flows over to others who are caught in what feels like a war path.

This got me thinking of how that played out in my life. Oh it sure has been messy! But those who’ve known me understood and watched the metamorphosis. For them I probably became better or grew into a version of me they’d appreciate.

But along came you, and unfortunately you landed right in the middle of my sorting things. Which meant you didn’t have the privilege of knowing what was going on. Enough times I’d feel like you truly didn’t know me and there were things you’d say or do that would leave me shocked at how you’d think of me that way. But soon enough I realised it was simply because you hadn’t met me fully; and it was okay because we hadn’t known each other previously.

So you had your perceptions and I had my perceptions of who I thought you were. But we were just two people going through personal journeys that made it harder for us to understand each other. You were going through your transitions and, I mine.

Along the way, we probably wounded and frustrated each other. Well, this is me apologising for times when I judged you wrongly, misunderstood you, projected my insecurities, wounded you with my words/actions and, failed to be there when you needed it because I was too busy sorting my shit.

This is me taking stock of my healing and realising that there were other casualties that I really need to address.

Hey Again

I wanted to reply just as a text but I realised I had too much to say and things I wanted to clarify, to simply put in one text.

I need you to understand that I don’t bring this up because I overthink things, like you normally say. Or because I love arguing or making a mountain out of a mole hill.

I am doing this because I acknowledge that we’re two different people who are still getting to know each other. And I’m doing this because I’m invested in this and determined to make it work. But I can’t do this alone; I will not do this alone.

Here’s the thing: love for me means concern. It means that I care about you and will always be concerned with whatever you do or what happens to you. That means I will make it a priority to check on you daily.

So when I find myself ignored for a few days, it communicates exactly what I mean to you: not a priority, not a concern for you.

I won’t lie, at first I was briefly concerned because I didn’t want to automatically assume that you were okay. But I knew you were in a place with electricity issues and most likely had your phone off due to lack of charge. Then I got pissed off when I realised you were still busy posting online and checking out all the memes I’d been sharing. Soon after, I was indifferent.

Trust me, you never want to meet my indifferent side. And no, I’m not threatening. I simply know the woman I become when I’m indifferent.

So I decided to let you talk when you eventually felt like it. I had too much shit to deal with at the moment. Moving had become a whole complicated affair, I was fighting an overwhelming bout of depression and I had physical pain that was pushing too hard.

I knew that I was at a point where I really needed help. Whether it was actual physical support or simply moral support over phone. But I always struggle when it comes to asking for help so I couldn’t tell you because, after all, it didn’t seem like you cared anyway.

But today, I made up my mind to ask you directly. I’m a firm believer that if I want answers or need something to happen, I have to do it myself. I kept hesitating because I asked myself if I hadn’t intervened last time, would you have ever bothered to reach out?

I went ahead and you know what followed. And when you apologised, I couldn’t respond because at that point, I’d be lying if I said all was okay and forgiven. It took time for me to get to this point. So now, all’s forgiven.

But here’s something you also need to know about me: I absolutely hate feeling like I’m begging someone for their attention and affection. Therefore, when it gets to a point where I find that I’m constantly the one looking for someone and there’s no reciprocity, I take a back seat and match their effort.

I’m not writing to justify anything or threaten anything. I’m allowing you to get to know me better and understand my disposition plus how I perceive things. I write to clarify. I write to let go of things in order to move forward with peace and joy.

Lost

I won’t lie, this vulnerability thing is haaaaaard! Right now, I’d much rather do a prettier and sugar coated version of this. But I need to be brutally honest with myself and writing is usually the best way to sincerely sort through things that feel overwhelming.

Long story short: I’m lost. Or rather that’s how I feel. I’m not even sure I feel anything; or anything I can put a name on.

Someone texted in an online mental health group I’m in, asking how each of us was. The only words I could respond with were: just there. Or as I like putting it: comme çi comme ça. Me who loves words and can describe anything effortlessly. Same me that’s the ultimate therapist and great understander of human psychology (well, self appointed). Yes, same me can’t even tell what I feel.

But the one thing that doesn’t lack clarity is how lost and clueless I feel at this point. I can’t tell you what I want. What I plan to do two months from now. Heck, I can’t even say what I’ll be doing tomorrow. Because I just don’t know.

And let me emphasize, admitting this was incredibly hard.

In this age where people are achieving impossible feats before they turn 20. Where 21 year olds are solving global problems. Where 25 year olds are millionaires with empires.

In this very age where we have the greatest access to information like never before. Where not knowing anything is almost a crime.

In this age, we’re expected to know things. To be very self aware and always know where we’re headed. Admitting you’re lost is insane! It’s almost like a career or social suicide.

But this is me saying it out hoping that it gives me more courage to be more honest about it. Hoping that it will assure somebody else that they’re not alone.

Most of all, I hope this helps to change the norm. That it will remind us that we’re human and we don’t have to always know it all or have everything figured out every single time.

As humans, we’re allowed to reinvent ourselves. We’re allowed to evolve and change. Which means, every once in a while, you’ll go from what’s always been familiar to unknown territories. Consequently, you’ll find yourself not knowing where on earth you are or where the hell you’re going.

And all that is perfectly okay. Trust me, I’m writing this because I also desperately need to be reminded. So from here on, I’ll stop beating myself and stop trying to fight this or find quick solutions.

I’ll simply stay in the moment and stop resisting what is. I’m currently lost and it’s really okay.

The Paradox of Knowledge

I somehow recalled some quote (or scientific law) I probably learnt eons ago: “The more you know, the less you know”. Been trying to research and find where it originally came from but that just led me down a rabbit hole and left me with more quotes than answers.

It’s funny how the most random of things can trigger an epiphany, and for me, believe it or not, it took Moana. I was bored and on Netflix so when I stumbled upon Moana (or Vaiana as it is now called), I knew I didn’t mind repeating it for the nth time.

There are movies or tales/books that make me come alive or remind me of who I am, and crazy as it sounds, Moana is one of them (yes, yes, I know I’m weird, Lol). Not that you asked, nevertheless, the others include but are not limited to: The Matrix because of Neo and how to view the World, Terminator because of Sarah Connor an how you might feel extremely ordinary now yet the powers that be seek to destroy you because of how your role in future is of paramount importance, and Waking The Dead by John Elderidge because I swear that entire book is my ultimate wake-up call!

So when Moana has that moment where she’s completely done but her grandma comes back to ask if she knows who she is, I realised I no longer know how to answer that question.

Which is strange because my self awareness is on a whole other level! It’s taken all these years to discover and do plenty of inner work. For instance, I can tell you how I am an empath and a Multipotentialite (or Scanner as Barbara Sher calls us) and how those two shape all my actions or thoughts or Worldview . I am aware of how my health battles affect my life. I understand what emotional wounds or past traumas make me act or perceive things as I do, and constantly work on healing them.

However, even with all that, Moana still made me realise how at this point I honestly don’t know who I am or what I want to do. I could tell that this was subconsciously driven by the fact that I will soon be going for surgery to get these fibroids removed and I’ll be back to having a normal life. Instead of excitement, my initial (and current) reaction is a more perplexed one.

Who will I be once I can go back to doing whatever I want? What job or business or project will I embark on? Suddenly that pressure feels overwhelming. It’s worse when you can do absolutely anything because of being a multipotentialite and having multiple interests and abilities. There’s so much you can do that you don’t even know what to choose first.

To be sincere, I do not like being in this space right now. It’s quite uncomfortable and I hate feeling disoriented. Nonetheless, I am also certain that this is simply the ending of one season and the labour pains that come with birthing a new one.

So maybe it’s not that knowing too much left me knowing nothing. It perhaps might simply be the stage where everything I know is being aligned to enable me to move to where I need to go in this coming season. Well, I guess I’ll find out as more days unfold.

Embraced Lies

Let me begin by saying that this was a very hard post to write but I needed to.

I found myself facing emotions that I’d buried deep and probably hadn’t even noticed. I had just finished watching a beautiful story on YouTube and it got me feeling all kinds of feels. That led me to a particular playlist and out of nowhere, I found myself in a very deep territory.

The story I’d watched left me thinking of experiences I’d gone through. I wanted to sweep it all to the forgotten corner of my subconscious mind. Then I heard a voice in my head telling me to allow myself to be truly honest. To be open and accept the uncomfortable truths. Goodness, this one led me to places I had always run away from! Consequently, it unearthed beliefs I’d held that I came to see were lies.

Belief 1: I am worth picking but not keeping.

That I would find/be found by some fascinating guy, be attracted to each other and the ball gets rolling. However, things would never really materialise.
This sadly, was something that was reinforced several times. Instead of seeing the fact that things don’t always have to work because it’s normal to be two people who want different things; my subconscious picked a contrary view. So the lie that ran was that I wasn’t worth keeping.
Eventually, I came to see that sometimes, people walk away for their own reasons and it’s okay.

Belief 2: The one I want wouldn’t want me.

A few times, I stumbled upon guys who felt like everything I was looking for (okay, let’s just say most of). Unfortunately, that also didn’t work. I remember being hit hard by the realisation that the man I’d want would probably not want me!
You know, it’s sad how we believe some narratives yet they’re only informed by one or two experiences.

But reality is that, I am who I am and by living authentically, I will attract kindred spirits. I have seen this played out in my life ever since I started to embrace that truth.

Belief 3: I am not attractive enough.

I know enough people struggle with this at one point or the other. But it’s easy to feel like it’s your ultimate truth. I remember being in school and liking a guy every girl liked. However, the guy seemed to only be interested in my other friends who were very pretty. So I gave up because I knew I couldn’t compete. This scenario was exactly repeated in the next school I went to. The interesting thing was that, after I gave up, somehow, tables turned and those guys were after me. I eventually got the guys I had wanted. Sadly, that didn’t crush the lie I believed in.

I can’t tell you how many times I believed I wasn’t beautiful or attractive enough only to later be told that there were enough guys who were attracted to me but didn’t think they stood a chance or were simply intimidated.

Reality is that beauty is in the eye of the beholder but most of all, others will not see beauty which you yourself can’t see. The most important thing was for me to see and accept it. Then realise that it doesn’t change or diminish when somebody else doesn’t see it.

Which brings me to the next belief.

Belief 4: I am intimidating

For the longest time, I kept hearing this one. So consequently, I believed that I intimidated people. Well, I didn’t see how because honestly, anyone who knows me knows the complete opposite. I couldn’t understand what about me would be intimidating. But when it gets repeated, you start accepting it as the truth. And that’s how I began to believe that guys didn’t shoot their shot because of intimidation.
Thankfully, my eyes eventually opened and I knew the problem wasn’t me but them.

Belief 5: I’m only wanted by unavailable people.

Oh this one! You know, weirdly enough, I would form the most beautiful connections with guys who were unavailable. Unavailable either emotionally or in actual sense because they had someone else.

The ones that hurt were the emotionally unavailable ones. We’d get along incredibly and connect deeply. Then because we both would be single, at some point, feelings would be involved. Whether one-sided or mutual, it would always end badly because the guy was emotionally unavailable.

The other kind came with little or no pressure because I knew they were with someone else. So I’d be busy enjoying a good friendship or great conversations because I knew there was absolutely no risk of feelings developing. Then somewhere along the way I’d be proved wrong. By that time, emotional intimacy would have grown unknowingly and therefore, things would definitely end up badly or we’d be left in this awkward space.

I won’t lie that I’ve fully sorted this one out. It’s something I’m working on but I’ll proudly say that I’m in a much better place. I no longer get captivated by emotionally unavailable men and I in fact, go the opposite way when I encounter them.

All in all, this session turned out therapeutic. I had never individually identified and clearly labelled these wrong beliefs. Inasmuch as I’ve grown to counter lies and hold onto the truths I now know, I’m still glad I got to see the full picture.

Hopefully, some day soon, I’ll be sharing how life is like when you reject the lies you held and live out the truth.

5 In Hindsight

WordPress just alerted me that I have a 5 year anniversary to celebrate here.

Interestingly, my blog anniversaries coincided with the time I started dating and broke up with my ex (Lol, yeah it was that short). Which means… drum rolls… I’ve been single for 5 whole years!!!

That time feels like an entire eternity but somehow still feels like the other day. If you ask me, this is how I’d want to describe that period:

However, you know I’m all about vulnerability so I’ll paint reality as is: it’s been one hell of a ride!

The girl that walked out of that relationship feels like someone I used to know but no longer am. Firstly, I called it off because of religious reasons (smh). Right now, I can guarantee you, my thinking is completely different. Oh the drama I saw among churchbois! Let’s just say, if time had been spun, I wouldn’t have given up on the relationship because of that.

But here’s the thing, I’d still have left for other reasons. For starters, there were lies I knew about but I chose to act dumb and figured revenge was a dish best served cold. However, the lady I am now is no longer hesitant to call out someone on their bullshit. Most of all, I do not tolerate lies. I believe a big part of adulting is the ability to speak your truth.

So yes, it’s been 5 years of singlehood but I’ll admit, I’ve had my fair share of situationships. Some didn’t work because we realised we wanted different things. Others failed because the guy turned out to be a douche bag… okay, a disappointment, or a liar sounds fairer.

Nevertheless, this has been quite the adventure like I said. I knew I was pretty sober and mature enough in my preference for the man I wanted back then. However, right now my desires have changed. Which is expected because I have experienced a significant change in the person I am.

Somewhere along the way, I got to the point where I eventually accepted something I’d been battling: that marriage in its traditional definition, may not be for me. So I no longer have my eyes set on that direction. Which forced me to redefine my idea of a relationship and my expectations.

I constantly find myself learning new things. As a matter of fact, I embarked on research on the various types of marriages/unions/relationships. I honestly can’t wait to write about that 😊.

But at this point, 5 years later, I’m so unbothered and content. Perhaps I unknowingly became my own primary relationship. I have had such wonderful times on my own that I often forget that relationships are a good thing.

All in all, I’m grateful for those 5 years because they birthed a phenomenal woman. A woman I am proud of and have come to love deeply.

Here’s to even happier years ahead!