To The Person I Wounded During Healing

Been doing some reflection on my healing journey (I had dedicated this entire year to healing of my body, emotions, mind (soul in general) and my spirit).

And healing is very messy; it brings out the worst from within because that’s what is getting addressed. Which means the worst in us is also projected outwards. Sadly, that easily flows over to others who are caught in what feels like a war path.

This got me thinking of how that played out in my life. Oh it sure has been messy! But those who’ve known me understood and watched the metamorphosis. For them I probably became better or grew into a version of me they’d appreciate.

But along came you, and unfortunately you landed right in the middle of my sorting things. Which meant you didn’t have the privilege of knowing what was going on. Enough times I’d feel like you truly didn’t know me and there were things you’d say or do that would leave me shocked at how you’d think of me that way. But soon enough I realised it was simply because you hadn’t met me fully; and it was okay because we hadn’t known each other previously.

So you had your perceptions and I had my perceptions of who I thought you were. But we were just two people going through personal journeys that made it harder for us to understand each other. You were going through your transitions and, I mine.

Along the way, we probably wounded and frustrated each other. Well, this is me apologising for times when I judged you wrongly, misunderstood you, projected my insecurities, wounded you with my words/actions and, failed to be there when you needed it because I was too busy sorting my shit.

This is me taking stock of my healing and realising that there were other casualties that I really need to address.

Slam that door!

So the past came knocking again and guess who opened the door… me! I should have known better, if history is anything to go by, but I still let my past in. You see, there is enough I would rather remains right where it was because I want to believe I am different now and far better than who I used to be.

Have you ever failed at something over and over knowing fully well that it was mainly your fault? If you have, then you have an inkling of what I feel. I keep moving several steps ahead but all it takes is one or two missed steps to get me crumbling down. I can’t stand the feeling that follows: that feeling that maybe you’re never going to be good enough or that no matter how great things turn out, YOU will always find a way to mess it up. I can hear the voices speaking very clearly in my head that I’m going to be that girl who had such great potential but never made it because she didn’t have it in her to make it through.

I honestly want to break down and cry my heart out but truth be told, what good will that achieve? I have listened to those voices for too long and it always leads me to tears, despair and depression. I am tired of all those voices because they’re all liars! You see, I’m not just anybody, I am a child of the most High King; the Creator of the entire universe! If He made me then who better to listen to concerning my life.

This is what my Maker says; that I am victor not victim, I will not be defeated by circumstances because I am more than a conqueror. He says that greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world so I am greater than any circumstance, failure or obstacle in this life. He tells me that I am created in His own image and likeness; I am just like the Almighty God who rules over everything and has all power and authority. He says that since I accepted Him as Lord over my life, I am a new creation; I may feel the same and probably look like the same old me but I totally am brand new! That simply means that anything I hear about me that isn’t according to what He says… is an absolute lie!!!

I choose to quit listening to lies from he who came to steal, kill and destroy. I may not feel great but I am not who I was…

I hope you decide to do the same; slam that door on your past because it has nothing new to tell you! Mute all those lying voices and tune to the Voice that speaks the truth about you. You may not be where you are supposed to be but you are definitely not where you used to be! 🙂

The Price to Pay

I know it’s been a while since I posted but the last several days have been too crazy to let me write. Never have I gone through such intense times where everything comes crashing on you all at once yet a time where you know God is the one behind it all and He is there holding you.

So you left me as the messed up girlfriend who was kinda confused;well now I’m the ex-girlfriend who is a little more assured. I can’t say I didn’t see this coming but I didn’t expect it this fast. Allow me to say that breaking up is real pain! Worst part is when you have to break the heart of a man who adores you like no one ever has and one who would never let you go unless you chose to walk away.

This is exactly what happens when you choose to do something without consulting God first and when you realise you took a wrong turn; you have to painfully turn back to where God wants you. It’s heartbreaking to see how my mistake is causing the man I said yes to, untold pain. I can’t even face him and this is the part I am grateful he is in another country because I feel horrible. You know that feeling you’d get if you had to stab the most adorable cute puppy that was in love with you; that is precisely how I feel. Oh the tears I cried when I had that conversation with him minutes before I was about to go MC a dinner we had been looking forward to for like four years! I still have to hold back tears whenever I think of it.

I had spent days tortured with thoughts of what to do now that God had confirmed that the relationship wasn’t something He approved. I should have expected this when I chose to date a man who wasn’t saved. You see when the Bible tells you not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers, trust me the earlier you obey, the better it will be for you. Most of us use the story of God telling Hosea to marry a prostitute as an excuse to justify dating or marrying a non-believer, but we forget that in that story, it is God who told Hosea to do so. Hosea didn’t find a non-believer, agree to date her then took her to God for approval like most of us do. So unless you have been praying about it seriously and God is leading you; don’t do it. We fail to realise that when you are both under the Lordship of Christ, no matter what flaws you have or conflict you will go through, at the end of the day, God always sorts His children because they are submitted to His leading and He continually transforms them as He shows them what real love is so that they can love each other.

Now I’m writing this in the middle of the night as usual because after seeing several wedding photos by my favourite photographer, I couldn’t stop thinking of him. I won’t lie, I miss spending time with him, listening to that sonorous voice, playing around, arguing over things just for fun, being spoilt by all the affection and attention plus all the moments fighting over whose music should play in his car. I miss feeling like I belonged to somebody and I still clearly remember how he took my breath away when he went down on his knees asking me to be his girlfriend. I know I’ll miss him enough times and it must be a thousand times worse for him but this is the price I pay for one wrong move. All I have left are painful tears and nostalgic memories…

The Taken Man

 

Have you ever fallen for a taken man? Well I did, and it was not something I would recommend.

I got to know this amazing guy from a radio station I loved; he was one of the presenters I did not like! Somehow we became friends on social media but for months we never interacted till a little over a month ago. We started chatting and that was the beginning of one of my greatest mistakes.

I knew he had a girlfriend, it was hard not to notice with all the pictures they posted of the 2 of them and that is why I was never bothered. However, in a matter of days we had gotten to exchange phone numbers and we would talk every single day.

Things got better as time passed, I couldn’t resist his charm, his confidence, his ego, his sonorous voice; the man was the real definition of suave! After weeks of talking on phone we met for coffee at midnight and it went on till almost 5a.m (don’t give me that look, a girl’s allowed to do something crazy once in a while) We stayed there simply talking and opening up. I was impressed by his level of honesty and how he was able to get me out of my comfort zone.

After that I could barely get him off my mind. I kept replaying bits of the night in my head; thinking about his smile, his touch (get your mind off the gutter, he only touched my hand and held me as I leaned against him at one point) I thought about how he admitted he was attracted to me and how he’d had problems with his girlfriend for a while.

Well, I let my fantasies carry me away too far. He got to me more than I should have let him. I had hope that eventually something good would develop but I didn’t want it to happen while he hadn’t broken up with her. I guess I should be happy now that my path has been set for me; I saw her post how he made her happy. That’s when I realised the folly of my hopes: he wasn’t leaving her.

Here I am now, not sure whether to cry or beat myself up again. I can hear my head shouting ecstatically “I told you so! He was no good and you should have known better than to start liking a taken guy” but my heart is in pain and amidst all its tears, the shouts of my head are drowned a little. I am hurt, just like I expected. I feel foolish and naive but you cannot blame me.

I will probably dislike (hate is a strong word but still a close description) him for leading me on, for letting me start falling for him, for talking to me when I was trying hard to keep away from me and most of all for not being mine like I hoped.

I may miss him for a while; it would be hard not to miss his sonorous voice with that lovely American accent, his well-built body, his dark skin, his coy smile, his charm, his ego and his ability not just to bring out the girl in me but to also make me want to put aside the stubborn, strong-minded, very guarded and distant woman in me.

I should have known better than to fall for a taken guy, but I did and now I’m paying the price.