Finding My Anger

I know this sounds pretty odd considering anger is such a normal and common human emotion. But here’s the thing, I have always been the type that rarely gets angry. Two things that contribute to that is my being an empath and a Virgo.

Over the years, anytime someone got on my nerves, crossed a boundary or did something to make me angry, the empath in me would quickly analyse and figure out why they did or said whatever it was. Therefore, I would easily excuse people or simply understand them and the anger would immediately die off.

Which meant that I was rarely ever angry. It didn’t help that I was such an extrovert with enough people pleasing tendencies. I valued peace over the uncomfortable or awkward situations that come after a confrontation or showing my anger. And to top it all, the Virgo in me was very good at hiding how I felt (still struggle seriously with this because I perfected the art of hiding my true emotions).

There are other factors I can’t ignore. First one being the effect of religion. It had pacified me. Being angry was practically a sin despite the fact that the Bible said that you were to be angry as long as you don’t sin. But it had been drummed in us in such a way that anytime you got angry, you needed to quickly release it. Forgiveness was also something mandatory. Unfortunately, what that did was teach me how to let go of my anger very fast before I had a chance to let it do its work.

Secondly, in life generally, especially in the African set up (most, not all the communities), expected women and girls to be composed, put together, pleasant, non-confrontational. Basically: sugar, spice, and everything nice. So that played a role.

However, with all that, I still had the ability to switch and be very cold. I had a very cold and heartless side that some people had unfortunately encountered. Which was weird because almost everyone around me would swear that I was the nicest person. But I knew that side of me; I rarely brought her out.

I knew how brutal I could get. I am very aware of my completely unforgiving and vengeful side; that woman is cold and terrifying! While everyone assumed I was candy; soft and sweet, I would smile mentally knowing how wrong they were but let them make their assumptions. I don’t bother to try prove some things to people when they are adamant in their opinions.

Recently, someone casually mentioned that the good thing about me is that I always forgive very easily. Oh that snapped something in me! It wasn’t a compliment at all but a testament to how I had let people walk over me way too easily. I snapped and decided I’d show them the side I’d saved them from for years. That was probably the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Then on Saturday, while in bed listening to some talk by Dr Tara Brach on anger, I suddenly had some major rage rise up. It was so instantaneous and strong that all the sleep I had disappeared. I swear I had never felt rage that powerful!! It was beautiful and impressive. And it got me to do things I had needed to do eons earlier. I think I lost count of the contacts I deleted and people I cut off. On social media, I unfriended almost a thousand people and I still plan to continue.

The thing is, we need to stop demonizing anger. Like Dr Tara says, anger is natural, necessary and intelligent. It’s something we need to learn how to embrace and work. It is very essential and exists for reasons. The only thing is that it shouldn’t possess us and be our masters.

All in all, I am excited about finally meeting and releasing my anger. And I can promise that from now on, everyone around me will see it in its fullness. Not just in the controlled way I have always done.

 

Reflections On A Cold Friday

I have to say, this entire year feels like one big blur, yet somehow, it also feels like several years compressed in one. Generally, everything is defined by the surgery; so it’s either pre-op or post-op (operation).

Pre-op, there was too much activity. I was mostly home and still fighting to keep my house in the City, I was busy playing therapist and saviour to several people, I was unpacking a lot of things, unlearning even more and gaining new spiritual insights that were shifting my reality, juggling dating with distance in between, struggling with settling back at my parents’, too many hospital visits plus long trips in search of herbal medication, and in all that, fighting a battle with depression and anxiety while losing most of the time.

Post-op was an entirely different ballgame. I honestly only had energy to handle me, my three girlfriends and maybe one other person at a time. Which means I have been very poor at communication (too many unreplied messages). Initially, recovery took all my focus and energy. After my bed rest was over and I started working, I’d get home fatigued and I’d fall asleep even without eating dinner, way too many times.

So that has taken a huge toll on my social life. I know a couple of people who got mad or hurt but to be sincere, I still struggle to try reconnect. Basically, anyone who wasn’t actively involved in my whirlwind of a life just before surgery and the period after, was most likely shut out. But I guess this is partly what adulting is about: understanding that the dynamics of friendship are fragile and unless you put in the effort to actively be in the lives of people around you, chances are you’ll drift apart. No hard feelings, no beef. Your interactions simply become rare and we all understand.

This season of my life came with the birth of a woman who might not be recognised by those who knew her in earlier years. And I make no apologies for that because humans are supposed to be constantly evolving and growing. Most of all, I am in love with this woman. I knew she existed in me but I always had her suppressed because I was afraid of her. I feared her fire, her boldness and her wildness. I knew she couldn’t be controlled and she would rub several people the wrong way but wouldn’t be sorry about it because she had no apologies to make for living her authentic life.

Maybe it’s the whole getting close to 30 that came with this whole IDGAF attitude. Maybe it’s breaking free from the shackles of religion. Or maybe it’s simply the evolution process which has unfolded exactly as it was supposed to be.

All in all, I must say, I am loving it all. The lessons, the growth and the unlearning.

PS: There are some amazing lessons I have been learning lately and can’t wait to share! Especially from the book Conversations With God by Neale Donald Walsch 

(Oh and this is also the first time I think I have uploaded a photo of myself… yikes! Still trying to come out of my shell)

To The Most Fabulous 30 Year Old

Where do I even begin Boo? Gosh, this is threatening to be a very emotional letter and at this rate, we’ll both be crying our hearts out today. I wish I was around and I’d go buy you some amazingly grilled fish as I tell you all this.

You know, I keep feeling like you have been part of my life for decades; I can’t believe it’s simply been two years. Two incredibly amazing years. Today, I don’t want to start with explanations on the impact you’ve made and what a gift you are. Today I want to simply focus on you. So here goes:

Miss Babes,

This life can hit hard at times; sometimes it knocks us down and from the ground, it’s easy to get overwhelmed by all the heavy stuff. Allow me to remind you.

Woman, you have such a beautiful and brilliant mind. It’s easy to be surrounded by average things, people, and life’s struggles, that you forget your brilliance. You are one kickass woman and not just in Media or PR. Don’t let any current circumstance or person dumb you down or make you forget what a powerful brain you hold. Shine Mami.

Which brings me to your creativity. Babes, you are one heck of a creative being! I look at some of the things you make or events you set up or listen to your ideas, and I am left in awe. Just because this continent hasn’t spotted the powerhouse you are, doesn’t mean that it won’t pretty soon. Nurture that creativity, even when it looks like it’s not paying off or bearing the kind of fruit you expect. Shine on Boo.

Let’s talk about your work ethic: you are such a hard and smart worker and I have always admired that. Don’t let anyone, family or friend, make you feel like you don’t do enough. You do. Just because this country currently has a shitty economy should not make you feel like you aren’t doing much. You are. With a better economy, you’d be an international phenomenon by now. And I’m not just gassing you up.

Oh and your heart. You have such a wonderful heart and an awesome soul. Anyone who interacts with you can attest to it. You are a treasure and most of us don’t even deserve you.

And you are life!! You bring so much life wherever you go! You always have this powerful aura around you and it is infectious. You have such an influence on people. You easily draw people and they listen to whatever you have to say. Which makes your leadership almost effortless. People fall in love with you easily.

With all that, you still manage to hold such beauty. You are the perfect embodiment of beauty, brains and heart.

I guess what I am trying to say with these many words, is that you are a phenomenal woman. I love you immensely and can never imagine my life without you. You are a priceless treasure.

Lots of love,

Me

Dear Death

Death has eluded me,
I seek its summon
But it does best to shun me
I seek to be its friend
But it floats away like a fleeting foe
Life has been beautiful and a good death is its own reward
But one day, when my guardian angel and my agent of demise
Finally agree on terms, thee death shall neither be an ally nor foe,
But a gateway to beyond…
Where eternity is a fraction of time,
Where I breathe in peace and tranquillity blankets over all existence
And pain has never blotted any inch of creation

Run now death, your legs shall finally grow weary

(GUEST POST BY STEVE NZEKI)