Hard To Love

There’s a certain song by Silas Miami that has been on constant replay the last 2-3 days. It’s where the title of this post was borrowed but the experience is solely my own (Lol).

Interestingly enough, as I started to write this, I just got a notification from Tinder that I have a new match. Poor guy will now become my muse for this post. Let’s begin with a meme:

So hey,

If we’re talking this much and I sent you the link to this post, then you probably figured out that I like you and there’s a good chance you feel the same. But there are a few things you need to know about me.

Before I delve into the complexities defining how hard I am to love, I must point out a thing or too:

I am worth it. I will captivate you. I will inspire you and challenge you. I’ll be all the spontaneity you need. I’ll be an anchor. I’ll be fun and I’ll be chilled. I will come up with crazy ideas and life changing ones. We’ll have amazing conversations. I’ll be kindness, I’ll be love, I’ll be understanding, I’ll be care and concern. My mind will baffle you. My personality is one of a kind.

However, I’m nothing near easy. I’m a force to reckon with. I’m a warrior but I have days when I lose battles as simple as getting out of bed. I’m a ball of energy and cheer but there’ll be enough moments when depression will have me pinned down completely. I’m fun and spontaneous but more often than not, IBS will have me stuck in bed.

I’m an empath and have a big heart. That doesn’t fully suppress the me that’s less inclined to bullshit. I’m an intellectual but there are choices I’ll make that will confuse you. Don’t worry, I overanalyse everything and even when it doesn’t make sense, be sure it was a very informed choice.

Initially, I will dive right in with you. I thoroughly enjoy new experiences and people. But when you get fully captivated, chances are, I’ll notice. Then I’ll freak out and start running away. Self sabotage comes all too easily for me.

Here’s the thing, I love loving people and showering them with affection and attention. But I’m very awkward when that’s reciprocated. Goodness, I’m quite bad at receiving love, attention or affection: genuine and consistent.

So yes I’ll run and retreat. You’ll be confused. I’ll frustrate your efforts. The easiest thing to do would be to give up and move on.

But like they say, nothing good comes easy. If you see past my masks you’ll realise that I didn’t ghost because I didn’t like you. If you challenge the walls I’ll quickly put up, you’ll notice how breakable they are. You will see the fear in my eyes.

Yes I’m hard to love (oh my close friends will gladly tell you). But even with all the highs and lows, the journey will be worth every twist and turn.

Potential and Ten Other Lies We Believed

I came across this Facebook post that had me so amused that I had to share:

Where do I even begin with this one? Goodness! I was and have always been the ultimate potential spotter. Thanks to my being an empath and my love for human psychology, I always see the best in people. I easily sort through the masks they put up, bad habits, dishonesty, trash, and emotional fuckwittage; and see what lies behind.

It comes pretty naturally to me and is both a blessing and a curse. It’s a good thing because deep down, we all feel like screw-ups at one point or the other and need people to remind us of the beauty and the good within us. Having someone who believes the best in you even at your worst, somehow helps you get through it.

But here’s where it becomes a liability: dating. Sadly, I’d do the same for crushes, situationships and guys I was or wanted to date. Of course that always ensured I’d somehow find myself with the most effed up guys. I’d be the empath who sees past their crap and choosing to focus on the what I was convinced they were underneath. I mean, even snakes had the potential to be loving pets, right?

Unfortunately, what I’d always forget, was that I didn’t have to bring them into my private life. Of course every klepto has issues that got them there and are simply good people who ended up with circumstances or something psychological that’s to blame. But would you give them a key to your house? It’s like becoming BFFs with a serial rapists because they have daddy issues or mental illness and you keep having them for sleepovers.

I eventually (after a looooot of hurt and disappointment), realised my noticing of potential and seeing the best in people, should be more of a professional thing than personal. So now, I only do that if you explicitly ask for it as a friend or I’m shrinking you or you want some form of coaching.

Now, back to the whole women and potential story. Apparently as women, we’re supposed to easily spot the potential in a man, nurture it, faithfully and patiently bear with him as we wait for change and accept him unconditionally. Lol!

That’s the kind of crap I’ve grown up believing. Oh nurture your King. Oh mould him to be the man who you want. Oh believe in his potential. Please, this is bullshit and we know it.

If a man wants to be better, he’ll work on himself. If he needs help, well there are innumerable therapists plus his friends and family. Let him work on his issues instead of dumping the responsibility on you as if you have superpowers to change him.

Men are particular when it comes to what they want and they’ll get it. So why should women be the ones compromising and working with potential?

Don’t get me wrong, no one is perfect. We’re all messed up in various ways. But as you work on fixing yourself, get someone who’s doing the same.

I constantly have to keep reminding myself not to fall for broken men. That I’m working on acquiring my own healing and deserve someone who’s done the same. Letting go of the crazy attraction I had towards broken people especially men, is a hard thing. My love for getting people to start healing and nursing them, has to be pushed onto a professional space and in friendship.

So no, I won’t date your potential. I’ll take you exactly for who you are. Your potential can chill in the friendzone or come pay for my coaching services.

My Legacy

Lately I’ve been doing a lot more thinking about death. I even wrote a very raw post that never made it past my ColorNote App because I didn’t want friends and family to start calling. However, all those thoughts plus a YouTube Q & A by a certain lady I like, got me writing down things I’d want encompassing my legacy. So here goes:

I want people I interact with or who hear me or read something I wrote, to live the fullest version of themselves and to be fully and freely themselves!

I want people to find healing; I desire that people would have their curiosity piqued after interacting with me, that they’d realise that’s there’s a whole life to live and just how incredible they individually are. But also understand that there’s plenty beneath the surface that they need to dig and deal with, to fully comprehend themselves and to live a liberated life where they can be their best selves.

I want people to laugh! I pray that I spread laughter and that people will be infected with joy. Just pure genuine joy. I want to spread cheer. I want people to be really happy. I want anyone around me to always leave being happier. I want to do more of the little things or spontaneous acts that make people smile endlessly or laugh.

I greatly desire that I’d inspire people to love genuinely and whole heartedly and that they’d remember they’re worthy of love. That they would be utterly and completely in love with the person they. And that they’d also learn how to accept love and enjoy being loved. Most of all, that they’d see that love is all around them; how they shouldn’t limit that to simply romantic love. That love is love and it’s sufficient no matter where it’s coming from: family, friends, random people, your own self and even God/whatever supernatural being they believe. And always remember that they’re worthy of love (had to emphasize this).

I hope that I get to teach or motivate people to live richly and authentically as themselves. May I always remind people that there’s a good reason(s) as to why they were created with the very unique combination that makes them. That they would live boldly and unapologetically. May they be convinced that they are part of a gigantic puzzle that’s this world but they are so important that the puzzle would never be complete without them. May they never stop trying to learn more about themselves and keep living their truth. May they remember how precious they are and just how much their existence matters.

I want the the people who never fit in to finally see that they were never meant to. I’d want the odd one outs, the misfits, the misunderstood and the outcasts to keep being reminded that they are awesome. Those like me who always struggled to blend in (but failed miserably, Lol), or those still like me, who never felt like they belonged anywhere yet somehow easily got along with different people, or those of us who always found ourselves being labelled rebels… Oh that they’d see how essential their existence is! That they’d notice how they were born to create new paths, shake the status quo and disrupt norms.

I want people to enjoy capturing their lives, thoughts and experiences. Write, draw, sing, speak, record, have endless videos, take countless photos and pass down things orally. Leave scribbled reminders, write messages, send letters, note down random thoughts, take impromptu photos, record unexpected videos, sing in the shower, sing on an App, draw your ideas, keep your accounting formulas, record your methods… just do whatever captures who you are! May the world be blessed of the gift that’s you even after you’re gone.

May people around me never forget how beautiful human interactions are. May they create time for the people around them. More time with family, more coffees with friends, lingering touches, an extended hi to the security guard, longer conversation with the cashier or shopkeeper, spontaneous calls/texts to people that haven’t been spoken to for some time, genuine “how are you doing” to colleagues and whatever else they can conjure.

To sum it all: I want to truly live, laugh a lot and love insanely… and along the way, inspire people to do the same.

Apologies and Missing Pieces

Dear locked chocolate,

I know this is 5 years too late and probably doesn’t count for anything. Nevertheless, for some reason, you kept popping in my mind today and I remembered how unceremoniously I left. Now that was a classic case of ghosting and I truly am sorry. This is me attempting to give the answers you needed half a decade ago.

I recall the first time I saw you, outside those apartments around 6th avenue. Of course your locks made you conspicuous; who wouldn’t notice that enviable mane. I’m not even sure at what point we were introduced. But soon after, we were sitting out on the grass and started talking.

I thoroughly enjoyed the conversations. Hearing your perspectives on a few things and tales from the countries you’d been to. I was in awe of how you were doing two very demanding degrees at the same time yet I couldn’t even dream of doing a certificate course while doing that Law degree. You were mature, intelligent, had great exposure and an impeccable command of language, yet that hadn’t puffed you.

Over and beyond your achievements, you were kind and caring. It’s such a hard balance for many people yet you were doing it effortlessly. I was quite impressed with the projects you were doing with people. You have a genuine heart for people.

We hit it off pretty fast. Soon enough we were spending plenty of time together. Turns out it was so obvious that people in campus started asking me. I loved the walks and talks. You’re the one who first took me for the coffee at Aga Khan Hospital. That alone birthed a tradition I introduced in campus: midnight coffee walks. So yes, you created something amazing.

I remember the pretty pink leather bracelet you bought me. I absolutely loved it and being the hoarder I am; I still have it. It acted as a physical representation of cherished memories I held.

I really liked you. I didn’t ghost because I had no feelings but on the contrary. But sadly, I was in a different space spiritually and I knew it would have been a major issue. The person I was back then and beliefs I held would have frustrated any relationship that would have formed.

I knew none of us would have willingly walked away from what was growing. But I also knew I’d hurt you more if we went on and things didn’t work. In hindsight, that wasn’t my call to make; it should have been a dialogue not a monologue.

Like I said, it’s been five years and maybe this is an exercise in futility. However, this was a conversation I had hoped over the years, to do in person but our paths didn’t cross.

This is me saying I am sorry for what I did. This is me owning up and taking responsibility for a mistake made. This is me finally saying what I’d been planning to for years but somehow never did. This is me offering the pieces that were missing and maybe needed to have helped you understand and find closure back then.