Tales Of A Clown

Currently listening to Cellophane by FKA Twigs and these lyrics linger:

“Why don’t I do it for you? Why can’t I do it for you?” 

Those two lines slap really hard. The previous song I was playing was Two Weeks by her and someone in the comments said that she perfectly captured the feeling of longing for somebody. I couldn’t agree more. The part that hit home for me was:

“I’ll put you first, just close your eyes and dream about it

Higher than a motherfucker, dreaming of you as my lover

I’ll quench your thirst, just chase the high and stop your doubting”

Boy, don’t I know that feeling all too well! How it feels like to want someone and knowing you’d be what they needed, yet they are still aloof. It’s akin to wanting someone who does not want you or doesn’t want you as much. The irony being that at that very moment, there is most likely another person who wants you that badly but you are all aloof or not equally interested.

Here’s the thing though, I understand things better now. Previously, my ego would be the one to rescue me when the clowning got too much. It was just a matter of pride when I would notice the disrespect or being strung along.

However, I came to see it for what it truly was: the playing out of the Anxious-Avoidant attachment style plus codependency (the wanting to save/fix others). The people who triggered my Anxious attachment, got the version of me that would probably be singing those FKA lyrics and my clowning ass. Those who triggered my Avoidant attachment would basically get the cold heartless bitch version.

I was busy living out the two styles depending on the person who showed up. It was mainly my emotional unavailability mixed with the fearful wounded girl within who desired love but was scared of it. The one who felt like all through the years, she had to earn love and most times, she wasn’t even good enough for the love she was seeking.

And this wasn’t just in romantic set ups; this was everywhere and with everyone. I was either emotionally distant with you or eager to please, or a weird combination of the two. Thank goodness for all the therapists and people who’d share information online on these aspects and how to heal.

I did the work and I am still doing it. After all the hard work and good progress, came the painful realisation that I will never be perfect or “fully healed”. That I can live aware, do better, be more open, make great strides and still slip once in a while. That when I get triggered, it’s not an indicator of failure or not having healed.

Triggers will come but my response is what matters most. I can sit with whatever feelings come up then hold myself with plenty of grace and kindness.

A while back, those triggers came, courtesy of someone I knew very well that I would not date. But somehow, when the other person confirmed the same, it felt like a kick in my (non-existent) balls. I was hurt and found myself eager to please or get them just to prove that I could. I sat with those feelings to figure out why somebody I didn’t want bothered me that much.

Yes, there’s the whole Rejection Sensitivity thanks to ADHD, but the rejection wound cut deeper. Most importantly, it was just my ego because I’d had the upper hand but dilly dallied until power shifted when things got defined.

Anyway, the point of this whole post is to appreciate how  far I have come and to acknowledge how things look different once you’ve faced (and accepted) your shit.

To The Person I Wounded During Healing

Been doing some reflection on my healing journey (I had dedicated this entire year to healing of my body, emotions, mind (soul in general) and my spirit).

And healing is very messy; it brings out the worst from within because that’s what is getting addressed. Which means the worst in us is also projected outwards. Sadly, that easily flows over to others who are caught in what feels like a war path.

This got me thinking of how that played out in my life. Oh it sure has been messy! But those who’ve known me understood and watched the metamorphosis. For them I probably became better or grew into a version of me they’d appreciate.

But along came you, and unfortunately you landed right in the middle of my sorting things. Which meant you didn’t have the privilege of knowing what was going on. Enough times I’d feel like you truly didn’t know me and there were things you’d say or do that would leave me shocked at how you’d think of me that way. But soon enough I realised it was simply because you hadn’t met me fully; and it was okay because we hadn’t known each other previously.

So you had your perceptions and I had my perceptions of who I thought you were. But we were just two people going through personal journeys that made it harder for us to understand each other. You were going through your transitions and, I mine.

Along the way, we probably wounded and frustrated each other. Well, this is me apologising for times when I judged you wrongly, misunderstood you, projected my insecurities, wounded you with my words/actions and, failed to be there when you needed it because I was too busy sorting my shit.

This is me taking stock of my healing and realising that there were other casualties that I really need to address.

Not At My Expense Anymore

No, I’m not giving up my personal peace for the sake of calm or peace with others.
No I will not put my needs second to anyone else’s.
No my desires will not be suppressed for the sake of someone else’s.
No my schedule will not be realigned to suit somebody’s.
Not even my sleep will be sacrificed just so that communication can be at another person’s convenience.

No my dreams will neither be shoved aside nor be laid to rest, to suit another’s.
No my happiness will not be given up to accommodate someone.
No my plans will not change because I’m being considerate.
No I will not shrink or dim so that your light shines.

I’m no longer putting myself secondary to others.
No, I’ve done that for way too many years.
It will no longer be another at my expense.
No, I am prioritizing me and mine.
My peace comes first.

And no, I do not have any apologies to make for that. Neither do I have any explanations to give.
That chapter is closed.
Not at my expense anymore.

Old Wounds Tugging

Don’t be fooled, all the lies told to you left wounds deeper than you suspect. You might not discover it until something happens that acts as a trigger.

I heard him on a phone call. It was more professional than anything but she seemed to know him pretty well. He sounded like he knew she knows him that well. Maybe it was all the laughter. Maybe it was how he took her through a project he was on. Something he’s been working on but somehow never shared with me. Or even asked my opinion despite me previously having offered to help. Despite my making it clear how good I am at that. Despite all the times he’s praised my brilliant mind.

Well, I know I have no right to expect anything of the sort. His work is his, mine is mine. I have no right to raise eyebrows when he has someone who knows him like that. Of course we barely know each other. Let’s be realistic, it’s been too short a period.

But that didn’t stop me from suddenly having all kinds of doubt. It didn’t keep away that all too familiar feeling that once again, lies are involved. No, it didn’t even help that I easily identified it as old wounds at play.

I still began to question everything. What if he turned out to be like the others? What if the honesty and genuine personality was just a façade? What if I’d decided to trust when it wasn’t in my best interest? What if it was the reason I hadn’t shared exactly what was going on with my accountability person? She’s always been right whenever she expressed her doubts. I knew this time, she’d most likely flip!

But there’s something else I also have to grapple with: what if this is just the wounded girl trying to protect herself like she always does? What if my close friends were right in pointing out that I honestly don’t know how to be loved properly? Which is true. Anytime I felt someone getting too close and genuinely showing affection, my initial reaction is to run. To flee as fast as I can while pushing them away.

So this has nothing to do with him or with anyone else who’s tried. I’ve been reassured over and over. I have every reason to trust. But these old wounds simply won’t stop interfering.

Forced Wellness

There’s a tendency we’ve picked up that I’m afraid is becoming increasingly unhealthy. It’s seemingly a good thing and comes from a good place but it makes us cope unhealthily.

When someone is in a bad place for a while or has been stuck in a toxic space or has things going south or lost someone or basically had something(s) go wrong, or is dealing with loss.

We put up with their sadness, foul mood, honest talks on how things aren’t good, depressed state, hopelessness, complaints and need for help, just long enough.

Then we get to a point when we think it’s become too much. So we tell them to stop wallowing in their sorrow. Tell them they have to dust themselves and move on. Insist that they get themselves together. Get tired of hearing their sad tales or tales of how bad or hopeless things are. Make them wipe their tears and remind them that they can’t mourn forever. Or simply tell them how they have to get up and do something more productive.

Like I said, this comes from a good place.

However, what it does to people is make them see that their troubles, pain, current circumstances, sickness, etc, are a nuisance to people around them and themselves.

So they stop talking about what’s really going on because they don’t want to be a nuisance, burden or the negative energy around you. They begin to keep things to themselves. In addition, they feel like they need to be strong. Which means they’ll suppress whatever they’re feeling.

We’ll then be happy because we feel they stopped weighing us down with their issues and we’ll assume that they rose above whatever it was and became stronger people.

Unfortunately, all that happened is that they stopped coping in a healthier manner. Sadly, this always catches up at some point in future and people either have a major breakdown, do something(s) that appears completely irrational or out of character, become hardened people who have trouble connecting emotionally with others, or they end up being people who wound others badly.

Slapping a bandage on a wound doesn’t heal it. Hiding decomposing matter behind locked doors may keep it out of sight but the stench will eventually catch up and reveal the truth.

Reality is that we are human and sometimes bad days become your normal. You don’t have to act like all’s okay to avoid offending people or feeling like a burden.

We all process things differently and at different paces. Eventually, you’ll get to a place where you’re stronger and able to change things

My Legacy

Lately I’ve been doing a lot more thinking about death. I even wrote a very raw post that never made it past my ColorNote App because I didn’t want friends and family to start calling. However, all those thoughts plus a YouTube Q & A by a certain lady I like, got me writing down things I’d want encompassing my legacy. So here goes:

I want people I interact with or who hear me or read something I wrote, to live the fullest version of themselves and to be fully and freely themselves!

I want people to find healing; I desire that people would have their curiosity piqued after interacting with me, that they’d realise that’s there’s a whole life to live and just how incredible they individually are. But also understand that there’s plenty beneath the surface that they need to dig and deal with, to fully comprehend themselves and to live a liberated life where they can be their best selves.

I want people to laugh! I pray that I spread laughter and that people will be infected with joy. Just pure genuine joy. I want to spread cheer. I want people to be really happy. I want anyone around me to always leave being happier. I want to do more of the little things or spontaneous acts that make people smile endlessly or laugh.

I greatly desire that I’d inspire people to love genuinely and whole heartedly and that they’d remember they’re worthy of love. That they would be utterly and completely in love with the person they. And that they’d also learn how to accept love and enjoy being loved. Most of all, that they’d see that love is all around them; how they shouldn’t limit that to simply romantic love. That love is love and it’s sufficient no matter where it’s coming from: family, friends, random people, your own self and even God/whatever supernatural being they believe. And always remember that they’re worthy of love (had to emphasize this).

I hope that I get to teach or motivate people to live richly and authentically as themselves. May I always remind people that there’s a good reason(s) as to why they were created with the very unique combination that makes them. That they would live boldly and unapologetically. May they be convinced that they are part of a gigantic puzzle that’s this world but they are so important that the puzzle would never be complete without them. May they never stop trying to learn more about themselves and keep living their truth. May they remember how precious they are and just how much their existence matters.

I want the the people who never fit in to finally see that they were never meant to. I’d want the odd one outs, the misfits, the misunderstood and the outcasts to keep being reminded that they are awesome. Those like me who always struggled to blend in (but failed miserably, Lol), or those still like me, who never felt like they belonged anywhere yet somehow easily got along with different people, or those of us who always found ourselves being labelled rebels… Oh that they’d see how essential their existence is! That they’d notice how they were born to create new paths, shake the status quo and disrupt norms.

I want people to enjoy capturing their lives, thoughts and experiences. Write, draw, sing, speak, record, have endless videos, take countless photos and pass down things orally. Leave scribbled reminders, write messages, send letters, note down random thoughts, take impromptu photos, record unexpected videos, sing in the shower, sing on an App, draw your ideas, keep your accounting formulas, record your methods… just do whatever captures who you are! May the world be blessed of the gift that’s you even after you’re gone.

May people around me never forget how beautiful human interactions are. May they create time for the people around them. More time with family, more coffees with friends, lingering touches, an extended hi to the security guard, longer conversation with the cashier or shopkeeper, spontaneous calls/texts to people that haven’t been spoken to for some time, genuine “how are you doing” to colleagues and whatever else they can conjure.

To sum it all: I want to truly live, laugh a lot and love insanely… and along the way, inspire people to do the same.

The Emotionally Unavailable Man (Intro)

This is a post I’ve been meaning to do for about 5 years, ever since I discovered this and got screwed (not literally) by such a man.

I met this guy at a conference who was shrouded in this aura of mystery. Pretty laid back and looking like he was perfectly good all by himself. Then there was this appearance of slight arrogance. As fate would have it, we sat next to each other at a session where we were told to draw the person sitting next to you. And there began my journey with him.

He turned out to be such a beautiful soul, very real, caring enough and sort of a reformed bad boy. We’d talk every single damb day. He’d even ask mornings when I had an early class so that he’d wake me (I am not a morning person!).

Needless to say, we got pretty close. At some point I started feeling like it was my responsibility to be his emotional rock. He incorporated me in some start-ups he had and made me a director in an organisation they were growing. I’d even send him inspirational or devotional material for some days after plenty of research or writing just to find something suitable for the season he was in or day he has ahead!

Now this is the time I discovered what an emotionally unavailable man (EUM) was. Yes we’d talk daily but he always had excuses for not meeting me. We lived in the exact same small city but he’d never look for me! For the many months we knew each other, we only met once and I’m the one who went right across the city to where he was.

I got tired of being made to feel like I was his everything yet still not exactly wanted. When I started cutting down on communication or retreating, he’d look for me saying how much he’d missed me. His words perfectly expressed interest but his actions were the exact opposite. 2 months or so after I got tired, we found ourselves not talking completely.

That eventually died a natural death but I remember feeling quite confused and hurt. I tried to decipher things but couldn’t make sense of them. I knew he’d broken up with someone a year before so I assumed partially that was the reason.

But the saddest part is that I was convinced that I was the problem. Maybe I shouldn’t have pushed too hard for those meet ups. Maybe I wasn’t attractive enough. Maybe I did or said things that had him do all that.

Eventually, I discovered the concept of the EUM and even sent him this article explaining it. He actually said that the article described him quite well and admitted that he was one. Unfortunately, it’s not like it changed anything.

I wish I could tell you that I learnt my lesson. That I knew better than to fall for men who would simply be emotionally unavailable. The opposite instead occurred. I somehow kept attracting and being attracted to EUMs which led to being disappointed and hurt over and over again!

In the next post, I’ll break down information on EUMs so that you can tell if you’re one or dating/interested in someone like that.

Life’s Tilted Seesaw

Let me begin by saying that inasmuch as I’m crazy about vulnerability and I share plenty that’s raw; this has to be one of the hardest ones for me. Probably because it’s several intertwined things that I haven’t processed and am running away from.

Next week is my birthday (yay!). But reality is that for the first time in my life, I feel as though I have nothing to look forward to. I’m turning 28 (yikes, that’s basically goodbye late twenties and hello thirty).

The idea of turning 28 while being jobless, having health issues galore, broke, battling depression and single (though this I’m actually liking), simply makes me shudder and more depressed.

I’ve been running away from this reality, for good reason though. The past two weeks have had me stuck in the house alone and pretty unwell. When (for the first time ever) depression got a little suicidal-ish, I knew I had to shut down all the thoughts (more of me being at a place where I didn’t want to be alive because I was really tired and done). It doesn’t help that IBS gets triggered even more by anxiety and depression. So to get past the pain I was in, I had to forcefully calm myself and choose absolute peace. It took a lot!

It’s been days of watching endless sitcoms, cat videos and whatever comedy. Lots of playing a certain word game. Enough late nights (or is it early mornings when you sleep between 2:30 and 5:30am?) Basically whatever kept me distracted and gave me any semblance of happiness.

Well, that only worked until today. Apart from the fact that the IBS flare up has fairly subsided, something else dragged me back to reality. One of my absolute closest friends is getting married and I’m supposed to be a bridesmaid. It’s such a big deal because I’ve been there for every high and low. But today I had to tell her I couldn’t do it because it dawned on me that I was jobless and broke so I couldn’t get money to pay for the dress, shoes and accessories. I was broken!

Then I remembered that my birthday is still coming up and I’m out of my friend’s wedding party, have no idea where I’ll be staying at the end of this month, can’t even afford to throw a party, this depression hasn’t lifted and I have no job!

I know there are worse things than these but at this point, it all feels a little too overwhelming. The future seemed quite bleak and I was honestly tired of fighting too many things.

I won’t lie to you; I don’t think I want to hear the words strong or resilient anymore, in reference to me. For once I just want to be average or normal. I don’t want to be the person battling plenty and somehow still living. Heck, I don’t even want to feel like I’m kinda inspiring anyone because of the things I’ve gone through. I’m tired. Yes, tired of fighting and trying to be strong.

So I have no idea what 28 will hold; I haven’t even the slightest clue what tomorrow holds. I want to hope for some beautiful day surrounded by the people who love me and those I love. I want love, laughter and food (cake and ice cream would just be everything!). But I don’t have the energy to hope one more time.

I won’t be running away from reality anymore but I’m also not letting go of life (how do I leave a world with ice cream and kittens?!!). I’m simply surrendering and ready to go with whatever life hands me.

Ultimately, I have a feeling I’ll be okay because I have love both from God and some very wonderful humans I get to call friends or family.

Wondering Wanderer

You know things are pretty bad when not even YouTube helps. Yes, I’m at work trying to gather every ounce of motivation I can muster just to get something done. I started with actual work but just the one that’s nowhere near urgent and will not be required anytime soon; all the urgent ones are busy staring at me. Then I figured replying to an email I received from a friend over 3 months ago would help. Well, it felt great writing to him again but that still hasn’t gotten me back to work.

Super colourful cute desktop wallpapers have to do, right? Sigh, that hit a dead end faster than I could finish hitting the refresh button. I guess I’ll be sticking with my current baby:

I began flipping through playlists that normally have me all excited and ready to take on the world… that also failed miserably. I knew writing would be good for me so I posted on my Facebook page; something pointless with a touch of humour. Well that worked for about 5 minutes and I was right back to square one.

The funny thing is that my state today kinda relates with the state my life has been in lately. I honestly can’t tell you where I am precisely because even I don’t know. I’ve been wading through so many unfamiliar things, mistakes, setbacks and unexpected personal growth that I no longer comprehend anything.

Have you ever wondered who on earth the person you are staring at is? You look at yourself and cannot recognize the person you currently are. Yeah, that’s where I’m at currently. If someone told a younger me that the 27 year-old me would be where I am; I would never believe it.

The mistakes I have made are countless! The detours I have encountered are innumerable but the growth has also been tremendous. So yes I am still not settled, no financial stability, no guy and my career has become quite the adventure in that I have been in a very different place each year.

Would I trade it? No, not at all. A “normal” life would have bored me to death. I guess God really knew the sense of adventure He placed in me and figured I’d appreciate all the curves my life has taken and will probably keep taking. After discovering that I am a Multipotentialite  or what Barbara Sher calls a Scanner, I finally made peace with the fact that I will never really be settled in one place because my numerous interests and abilities have to be utilised.

Emotionally, let’s just say I am yet to ace things but I truly like the woman I am now. I have learnt: how to refuse to take crap from people, how to enforce boundaries (oh I am still growing in this), how to say no without feeling guilty (okay, maybe just less guilty), how to like someone and not be bothered to do something about it, how to recognise that rejection simply means I am not the right person, for only THAT specific task or person not that there’s something wrong with me, how to love people but within healthy boundaries and only to give my all to the people who can handle it and most of all, how to not make apologies for who I am.

So yes I remain flawed and yes I feel like a wanderer most days but I guess that’s what makes life life. I may never figure it all out but I may as well enjoy the roller-coaster ride.