Old Wounds Tugging

Don’t be fooled, all the lies told to you left wounds deeper than you suspect. You might not discover it until something happens that acts as a trigger.

I heard him on a phone call. It was more professional than anything but she seemed to know him pretty well. He sounded like he knew she knows him that well. Maybe it was all the laughter. Maybe it was how he took her through a project he was on. Something he’s been working on but somehow never shared with me. Or even asked my opinion despite me previously having offered to help. Despite my making it clear how good I am at that. Despite all the times he’s praised my brilliant mind.

Well, I know I have no right to expect anything of the sort. His work is his, mine is mine. I have no right to raise eyebrows when he has someone who knows him like that. Of course we barely know each other. Let’s be realistic, it’s been too short a period.

But that didn’t stop me from suddenly having all kinds of doubt. It didn’t keep away that all too familiar feeling that once again, lies are involved. No, it didn’t even help that I easily identified it as old wounds at play.

I still began to question everything. What if he turned out to be like the others? What if the honesty and genuine personality was just a façade? What if I’d decided to trust when it wasn’t in my best interest? What if it was the reason I hadn’t shared exactly what was going on with my accountability person? She’s always been right whenever she expressed her doubts. I knew this time, she’d most likely flip!

But there’s something else I also have to grapple with: what if this is just the wounded girl trying to protect herself like she always does? What if my close friends were right in pointing out that I honestly don’t know how to be loved properly? Which is true. Anytime I felt someone getting too close and genuinely showing affection, my initial reaction is to run. To flee as fast as I can while pushing them away.

So this has nothing to do with him or with anyone else who’s tried. I’ve been reassured over and over. I have every reason to trust. But these old wounds simply won’t stop interfering.

In Too Deep?

I know I can talk my head off when it comes to emotional entanglement or intimacy. However, I have realised how describing the issue won’t help much when you can’t diagnose if you are in need of help.

So how do you know you’re in too deep with a person emotionally?

Let me start by clarifying that emotional intimacy is necessary for people in a serious and committed relationship but if you’re not dating them with an intent to marry, then emotional entanglement would get you in trouble and cause you pain when the other person leaves or you realise they’re not on the same emotional level with you.

First indicator would be the depth of your conversations. If you talk a lot about issues that are deep or about things that very few people or no one else knows, then that is a potential landmine. When someone knows such things as your biggest hopes and fears, your dreams and aspirations, your past troubles and future hopes, they are in too deep. You will be creating soul ties that will be hard to break or will cause you pain when they do break.

Secondly, does it feel impossible to stay a day or two without talking or seeing that person? When you miss them too frequently you know that they have become a very important part of you.

Thirdly, do you involve them in almost everything that matters to you? Having them as part of the things that matter in your life brings them much closer to you.

I will leave it at those 3 for now… Am I saying that it is wrong to do or experience these things? No… I’m only saying that when you start noticing them, it’s time to take stock of your emotions and decide how you want to proceed.

Those are elements that are very good for same sex friendships but when it comes to the opposite sex, they may open up emotions that were not planned for leading to feelings of desire and when the desire is not reciprocated, it leads to heartbreaks.

Remember, above all, guard your heart… (Proverbs 4:23)