Embraced Lies

Let me begin by saying that this was a very hard post to write but I needed to.

I found myself facing emotions that I’d buried deep and probably hadn’t even noticed. I had just finished watching a beautiful story on YouTube and it got me feeling all kinds of feels. That led me to a particular playlist and out of nowhere, I found myself in a very deep territory.

The story I’d watched left me thinking of experiences I’d gone through. I wanted to sweep it all to the forgotten corner of my subconscious mind. Then I heard a voice in my head telling me to allow myself to be truly honest. To be open and accept the uncomfortable truths. Goodness, this one led me to places I had always run away from! Consequently, it unearthed beliefs I’d held that I came to see were lies.

Belief 1: I am worth picking but not keeping.

That I would find/be found by some fascinating guy, be attracted to each other and the ball gets rolling. However, things would never really materialise.
This sadly, was something that was reinforced several times. Instead of seeing the fact that things don’t always have to work because it’s normal to be two people who want different things; my subconscious picked a contrary view. So the lie that ran was that I wasn’t worth keeping.
Eventually, I came to see that sometimes, people walk away for their own reasons and it’s okay.

Belief 2: The one I want wouldn’t want me.

A few times, I stumbled upon guys who felt like everything I was looking for (okay, let’s just say most of). Unfortunately, that also didn’t work. I remember being hit hard by the realisation that the man I’d want would probably not want me!
You know, it’s sad how we believe some narratives yet they’re only informed by one or two experiences.

But reality is that, I am who I am and by living authentically, I will attract kindred spirits. I have seen this played out in my life ever since I started to embrace that truth.

Belief 3: I am not attractive enough.

I know enough people struggle with this at one point or the other. But it’s easy to feel like it’s your ultimate truth. I remember being in school and liking a guy every girl liked. However, the guy seemed to only be interested in my other friends who were very pretty. So I gave up because I knew I couldn’t compete. This scenario was exactly repeated in the next school I went to. The interesting thing was that, after I gave up, somehow, tables turned and those guys were after me. I eventually got the guys I had wanted. Sadly, that didn’t crush the lie I believed in.

I can’t tell you how many times I believed I wasn’t beautiful or attractive enough only to later be told that there were enough guys who were attracted to me but didn’t think they stood a chance or were simply intimidated.

Reality is that beauty is in the eye of the beholder but most of all, others will not see beauty which you yourself can’t see. The most important thing was for me to see and accept it. Then realise that it doesn’t change or diminish when somebody else doesn’t see it.

Which brings me to the next belief.

Belief 4: I am intimidating

For the longest time, I kept hearing this one. So consequently, I believed that I intimidated people. Well, I didn’t see how because honestly, anyone who knows me knows the complete opposite. I couldn’t understand what about me would be intimidating. But when it gets repeated, you start accepting it as the truth. And that’s how I began to believe that guys didn’t shoot their shot because of intimidation.
Thankfully, my eyes eventually opened and I knew the problem wasn’t me but them.

Belief 5: I’m only wanted by unavailable people.

Oh this one! You know, weirdly enough, I would form the most beautiful connections with guys who were unavailable. Unavailable either emotionally or in actual sense because they had someone else.

The ones that hurt were the emotionally unavailable ones. We’d get along incredibly and connect deeply. Then because we both would be single, at some point, feelings would be involved. Whether one-sided or mutual, it would always end badly because the guy was emotionally unavailable.

The other kind came with little or no pressure because I knew they were with someone else. So I’d be busy enjoying a good friendship or great conversations because I knew there was absolutely no risk of feelings developing. Then somewhere along the way I’d be proved wrong. By that time, emotional intimacy would have grown unknowingly and therefore, things would definitely end up badly or we’d be left in this awkward space.

I won’t lie that I’ve fully sorted this one out. It’s something I’m working on but I’ll proudly say that I’m in a much better place. I no longer get captivated by emotionally unavailable men and I in fact, go the opposite way when I encounter them.

All in all, this session turned out therapeutic. I had never individually identified and clearly labelled these wrong beliefs. Inasmuch as I’ve grown to counter lies and hold onto the truths I now know, I’m still glad I got to see the full picture.

Hopefully, some day soon, I’ll be sharing how life is like when you reject the lies you held and live out the truth.

5 In Hindsight

WordPress just alerted me that I have a 5 year anniversary to celebrate here.

Interestingly, my blog anniversaries coincided with the time I started dating and broke up with my ex (Lol, yeah it was that short). Which means… drum rolls… I’ve been single for 5 whole years!!!

That time feels like an entire eternity but somehow still feels like the other day. If you ask me, this is how I’d want to describe that period:

However, you know I’m all about vulnerability so I’ll paint reality as is: it’s been one hell of a ride!

The girl that walked out of that relationship feels like someone I used to know but no longer am. Firstly, I called it off because of religious reasons (smh). Right now, I can guarantee you, my thinking is completely different. Oh the drama I saw among churchbois! Let’s just say, if time had been spun, I wouldn’t have given up on the relationship because of that.

But here’s the thing, I’d still have left for other reasons. For starters, there were lies I knew about but I chose to act dumb and figured revenge was a dish best served cold. However, the lady I am now is no longer hesitant to call out someone on their bullshit. Most of all, I do not tolerate lies. I believe a big part of adulting is the ability to speak your truth.

So yes, it’s been 5 years of singlehood but I’ll admit, I’ve had my fair share of situationships. Some didn’t work because we realised we wanted different things. Others failed because the guy turned out to be a douche bag… okay, a disappointment, or a liar sounds fairer.

Nevertheless, this has been quite the adventure like I said. I knew I was pretty sober and mature enough in my preference for the man I wanted back then. However, right now my desires have changed. Which is expected because I have experienced a significant change in the person I am.

Somewhere along the way, I got to the point where I eventually accepted something I’d been battling: that marriage in its traditional definition, may not be for me. So I no longer have my eyes set on that direction. Which forced me to redefine my idea of a relationship and my expectations.

I constantly find myself learning new things. As a matter of fact, I embarked on research on the various types of marriages/unions/relationships. I honestly can’t wait to write about that 😊.

But at this point, 5 years later, I’m so unbothered and content. Perhaps I unknowingly became my own primary relationship. I have had such wonderful times on my own that I often forget that relationships are a good thing.

All in all, I’m grateful for those 5 years because they birthed a phenomenal woman. A woman I am proud of and have come to love deeply.

Here’s to even happier years ahead!