The Grief of Goodbyes

Can we just agree that goodbyes suck?
Even when they’re necessary.
Even when they’re good for you.
Even when they were long overdue.

Goodbyes come accompanied by grief.
There’s a part of you that you let go of as you bid adieu to whatever chapter of your life, a person, or a version of you.
You have to mourn the fact that something or someone that had been so familiar and a normal part of your reality, will no longer be part of your future.

I feel like I’m grieving various losses at once:
-A part of me that had been suppressed for years which resurfaced so powerfully lately, and it left me grieving the person I’d adapted to be.
-People I’d grown so fond of that had to go because I don’t tolerate disrespect or any form of bullshit.
-Methods of relating to people that I’d been taught by society but realised that they don’t work for me; methods that are so easy and comfortable.
-Reminders of people I lost to death and navigating both collective and individual grief.
-The life I thought I’d have and the one I see my peers already living.

This list isn’t exhaustive but it’ll have to do for now.

The last part about the life I thought I’d have, sort of hit a little hard lately. I see those I used to walk with vey closely and the lovely lives they curated for themselves. It reminds me of the prestigious path that I walked away from in order to live a life that was more authentic to me.

Don’t get me wrong; I wouldn’t trade my current life. I absolutely love the joy I derive from the meaningful work that I do, the life it’s afforded me, the flexibility I have to control my hours, the freedom to easily pack at a moment’s notice and go wherever I want, the peace of mind, the absence of burnout, and how it aligns to my unique personality. This right here feels like the dream I didn’t think was possible.

However, the dream came with such a high price. There was a lot to discard, people I had to walk away from, disappointments I had to issue, internal battles, lots of unlearning, and several other unsaid things. Nevertheless, the part that currently stings is the pain of having to start over again a couple of times.

New beginnings might be wonderful, but they’re also hard af! You find yourself in a new territory where it feels like you’re starting from scratch. There’s so much to learn, so much shit to figure out, lots of uncertainties to deal with, doubts occasionally assaulting you, and plenty of work.
It almost feels easier to just go back to what you were already used to because there’s such good comfort in familiarity.

Yes growth and changes can be painful. Yes there might be a price to pay. Yes there are also numerous joys to look forward to and expansion that will serve you well.

It’s okay to celebrate the new chapter while still grieving the old one.
It’s okay to miss something or someone but still be sure that cutting them off was the best decision.
It’s okay to affirm your choices while still wondering if you made the right one.
It’s okay to feel sad about the past while still excited about the future.

Goodbyes and grief will always accompany each other because where there’s new life, there was also death.

Another Goodbye

Dear Twinflame,

Sigh, this is not an easy letter to pen but you probably will never see this or perhaps I’ll show you when our paths cross again.

I have to say, this period we’ve spent together, however brief, has been nothing short of beautiful. If all those years back, I knew this awaited, I’d have been more patient and at peace. But oh well, how were we to know?

I loved every moment of this re-encounter of ours. Loved every good morning message and each good night one sent faithfully. Loved the conversations, the sarcasm, and the laughter.

Getting to know this grown up version of you was precious. Oh my word, you truly grew up into the image of you I’d always held, even when reality looked different! This spiritually aware you is lovely to see. The mature, authentic and unapologetically honest person, all accompanied by your sense of humour; the fun, caring, and genuinely concerned self.

I have to admit, I’ve had such an incredible time with you; both while apart yet joined by technology, and actual moments spent together.

You bring out my feminine energy fully! Around you, I feel completely free to unleash my femininity. There’s no struggle; no fight. I don’t get feisty like I’ve always been. You create an environment that allows me to bloom fully.

Well, all this will certainly not make sense to you right now. There’s a lot you might not understand now.

Sigh, it sucks that we’re in different spaces right now. The girl I was when we dated all those years back, would have been totally swooned by who you are now. You’re finally at the place I’d wanted or hoped you’d be in. Oh that girl and you, would have made a perfect couple!

But I am not her anymore. My spiritual journey took me on an entirely different path. My beliefs right now would constantly baffle you and most likely push you away.

Yet somehow, your soul knows it and I can see it too in you. Nevertheless, this journey is one you’ll have to make on your own. I can’t meddle and I can’t push you. You’ll do this wonderfully at your pace.

I honestly can’t wait to see you again. Can’t wait to see how you’ll be like much more awakened and with your very powerful self in bloom. Our two forces back together would be nothing short of spectacular.

However, I can only hope. I don’t know where this journey will lead you. I haven’t the slightest clue if our paths will finally cross at the right moment when we’re both ready. But I hope.

We might bump into each other a few times and maybe talk once in a while; I sincerely would love for that to happen.

But in case it doesn’t: see you when we reunite again, whether in this life or the next (really really crossing my fingers for this lifetime).

To The Person I Wounded During Healing

Been doing some reflection on my healing journey (I had dedicated this entire year to healing of my body, emotions, mind (soul in general) and my spirit).

And healing is very messy; it brings out the worst from within because that’s what is getting addressed. Which means the worst in us is also projected outwards. Sadly, that easily flows over to others who are caught in what feels like a war path.

This got me thinking of how that played out in my life. Oh it sure has been messy! But those who’ve known me understood and watched the metamorphosis. For them I probably became better or grew into a version of me they’d appreciate.

But along came you, and unfortunately you landed right in the middle of my sorting things. Which meant you didn’t have the privilege of knowing what was going on. Enough times I’d feel like you truly didn’t know me and there were things you’d say or do that would leave me shocked at how you’d think of me that way. But soon enough I realised it was simply because you hadn’t met me fully; and it was okay because we hadn’t known each other previously.

So you had your perceptions and I had my perceptions of who I thought you were. But we were just two people going through personal journeys that made it harder for us to understand each other. You were going through your transitions and, I mine.

Along the way, we probably wounded and frustrated each other. Well, this is me apologising for times when I judged you wrongly, misunderstood you, projected my insecurities, wounded you with my words/actions and, failed to be there when you needed it because I was too busy sorting my shit.

This is me taking stock of my healing and realising that there were other casualties that I really need to address.

Lost

I won’t lie, this vulnerability thing is haaaaaard! Right now, I’d much rather do a prettier and sugar coated version of this. But I need to be brutally honest with myself and writing is usually the best way to sincerely sort through things that feel overwhelming.

Long story short: I’m lost. Or rather that’s how I feel. I’m not even sure I feel anything; or anything I can put a name on.

Someone texted in an online mental health group I’m in, asking how each of us was. The only words I could respond with were: just there. Or as I like putting it: comme çi comme ça. Me who loves words and can describe anything effortlessly. Same me that’s the ultimate therapist and great understander of human psychology (well, self appointed). Yes, same me can’t even tell what I feel.

But the one thing that doesn’t lack clarity is how lost and clueless I feel at this point. I can’t tell you what I want. What I plan to do two months from now. Heck, I can’t even say what I’ll be doing tomorrow. Because I just don’t know.

And let me emphasize, admitting this was incredibly hard.

In this age where people are achieving impossible feats before they turn 20. Where 21 year olds are solving global problems. Where 25 year olds are millionaires with empires.

In this very age where we have the greatest access to information like never before. Where not knowing anything is almost a crime.

In this age, we’re expected to know things. To be very self aware and always know where we’re headed. Admitting you’re lost is insane! It’s almost like a career or social suicide.

But this is me saying it out hoping that it gives me more courage to be more honest about it. Hoping that it will assure somebody else that they’re not alone.

Most of all, I hope this helps to change the norm. That it will remind us that we’re human and we don’t have to always know it all or have everything figured out every single time.

As humans, we’re allowed to reinvent ourselves. We’re allowed to evolve and change. Which means, every once in a while, you’ll go from what’s always been familiar to unknown territories. Consequently, you’ll find yourself not knowing where on earth you are or where the hell you’re going.

And all that is perfectly okay. Trust me, I’m writing this because I also desperately need to be reminded. So from here on, I’ll stop beating myself and stop trying to fight this or find quick solutions.

I’ll simply stay in the moment and stop resisting what is. I’m currently lost and it’s really okay.

Embraced Lies

Let me begin by saying that this was a very hard post to write but I needed to.

I found myself facing emotions that I’d buried deep and probably hadn’t even noticed. I had just finished watching a beautiful story on YouTube and it got me feeling all kinds of feels. That led me to a particular playlist and out of nowhere, I found myself in a very deep territory.

The story I’d watched left me thinking of experiences I’d gone through. I wanted to sweep it all to the forgotten corner of my subconscious mind. Then I heard a voice in my head telling me to allow myself to be truly honest. To be open and accept the uncomfortable truths. Goodness, this one led me to places I had always run away from! Consequently, it unearthed beliefs I’d held that I came to see were lies.

Belief 1: I am worth picking but not keeping.

That I would find/be found by some fascinating guy, be attracted to each other and the ball gets rolling. However, things would never really materialise.
This sadly, was something that was reinforced several times. Instead of seeing the fact that things don’t always have to work because it’s normal to be two people who want different things; my subconscious picked a contrary view. So the lie that ran was that I wasn’t worth keeping.
Eventually, I came to see that sometimes, people walk away for their own reasons and it’s okay.

Belief 2: The one I want wouldn’t want me.

A few times, I stumbled upon guys who felt like everything I was looking for (okay, let’s just say most of). Unfortunately, that also didn’t work. I remember being hit hard by the realisation that the man I’d want would probably not want me!
You know, it’s sad how we believe some narratives yet they’re only informed by one or two experiences.

But reality is that, I am who I am and by living authentically, I will attract kindred spirits. I have seen this played out in my life ever since I started to embrace that truth.

Belief 3: I am not attractive enough.

I know enough people struggle with this at one point or the other. But it’s easy to feel like it’s your ultimate truth. I remember being in school and liking a guy every girl liked. However, the guy seemed to only be interested in my other friends who were very pretty. So I gave up because I knew I couldn’t compete. This scenario was exactly repeated in the next school I went to. The interesting thing was that, after I gave up, somehow, tables turned and those guys were after me. I eventually got the guys I had wanted. Sadly, that didn’t crush the lie I believed in.

I can’t tell you how many times I believed I wasn’t beautiful or attractive enough only to later be told that there were enough guys who were attracted to me but didn’t think they stood a chance or were simply intimidated.

Reality is that beauty is in the eye of the beholder but most of all, others will not see beauty which you yourself can’t see. The most important thing was for me to see and accept it. Then realise that it doesn’t change or diminish when somebody else doesn’t see it.

Which brings me to the next belief.

Belief 4: I am intimidating

For the longest time, I kept hearing this one. So consequently, I believed that I intimidated people. Well, I didn’t see how because honestly, anyone who knows me knows the complete opposite. I couldn’t understand what about me would be intimidating. But when it gets repeated, you start accepting it as the truth. And that’s how I began to believe that guys didn’t shoot their shot because of intimidation.
Thankfully, my eyes eventually opened and I knew the problem wasn’t me but them.

Belief 5: I’m only wanted by unavailable people.

Oh this one! You know, weirdly enough, I would form the most beautiful connections with guys who were unavailable. Unavailable either emotionally or in actual sense because they had someone else.

The ones that hurt were the emotionally unavailable ones. We’d get along incredibly and connect deeply. Then because we both would be single, at some point, feelings would be involved. Whether one-sided or mutual, it would always end badly because the guy was emotionally unavailable.

The other kind came with little or no pressure because I knew they were with someone else. So I’d be busy enjoying a good friendship or great conversations because I knew there was absolutely no risk of feelings developing. Then somewhere along the way I’d be proved wrong. By that time, emotional intimacy would have grown unknowingly and therefore, things would definitely end up badly or we’d be left in this awkward space.

I won’t lie that I’ve fully sorted this one out. It’s something I’m working on but I’ll proudly say that I’m in a much better place. I no longer get captivated by emotionally unavailable men and I in fact, go the opposite way when I encounter them.

All in all, this session turned out therapeutic. I had never individually identified and clearly labelled these wrong beliefs. Inasmuch as I’ve grown to counter lies and hold onto the truths I now know, I’m still glad I got to see the full picture.

Hopefully, some day soon, I’ll be sharing how life is like when you reject the lies you held and live out the truth.

Wondering Wanderer

You know things are pretty bad when not even YouTube helps. Yes, I’m at work trying to gather every ounce of motivation I can muster just to get something done. I started with actual work but just the one that’s nowhere near urgent and will not be required anytime soon; all the urgent ones are busy staring at me. Then I figured replying to an email I received from a friend over 3 months ago would help. Well, it felt great writing to him again but that still hasn’t gotten me back to work.

Super colourful cute desktop wallpapers have to do, right? Sigh, that hit a dead end faster than I could finish hitting the refresh button. I guess I’ll be sticking with my current baby:

I began flipping through playlists that normally have me all excited and ready to take on the world… that also failed miserably. I knew writing would be good for me so I posted on my Facebook page; something pointless with a touch of humour. Well that worked for about 5 minutes and I was right back to square one.

The funny thing is that my state today kinda relates with the state my life has been in lately. I honestly can’t tell you where I am precisely because even I don’t know. I’ve been wading through so many unfamiliar things, mistakes, setbacks and unexpected personal growth that I no longer comprehend anything.

Have you ever wondered who on earth the person you are staring at is? You look at yourself and cannot recognize the person you currently are. Yeah, that’s where I’m at currently. If someone told a younger me that the 27 year-old me would be where I am; I would never believe it.

The mistakes I have made are countless! The detours I have encountered are innumerable but the growth has also been tremendous. So yes I am still not settled, no financial stability, no guy and my career has become quite the adventure in that I have been in a very different place each year.

Would I trade it? No, not at all. A “normal” life would have bored me to death. I guess God really knew the sense of adventure He placed in me and figured I’d appreciate all the curves my life has taken and will probably keep taking. After discovering that I am a Multipotentialite  or what Barbara Sher calls a Scanner, I finally made peace with the fact that I will never really be settled in one place because my numerous interests and abilities have to be utilised.

Emotionally, let’s just say I am yet to ace things but I truly like the woman I am now. I have learnt: how to refuse to take crap from people, how to enforce boundaries (oh I am still growing in this), how to say no without feeling guilty (okay, maybe just less guilty), how to like someone and not be bothered to do something about it, how to recognise that rejection simply means I am not the right person, for only THAT specific task or person not that there’s something wrong with me, how to love people but within healthy boundaries and only to give my all to the people who can handle it and most of all, how to not make apologies for who I am.

So yes I remain flawed and yes I feel like a wanderer most days but I guess that’s what makes life life. I may never figure it all out but I may as well enjoy the roller-coaster ride.