Slam that door!

So the past came knocking again and guess who opened the door… me! I should have known better, if history is anything to go by, but I still let my past in. You see, there is enough I would rather remains right where it was because I want to believe I am different now and far better than who I used to be.

Have you ever failed at something over and over knowing fully well that it was mainly your fault? If you have, then you have an inkling of what I feel. I keep moving several steps ahead but all it takes is one or two missed steps to get me crumbling down. I can’t stand the feeling that follows: that feeling that maybe you’re never going to be good enough or that no matter how great things turn out, YOU will always find a way to mess it up. I can hear the voices speaking very clearly in my head that I’m going to be that girl who had such great potential but never made it because she didn’t have it in her to make it through.

I honestly want to break down and cry my heart out but truth be told, what good will that achieve? I have listened to those voices for too long and it always leads me to tears, despair and depression. I am tired of all those voices because they’re all liars! You see, I’m not just anybody, I am a child of the most High King; the Creator of the entire universe! If He made me then who better to listen to concerning my life.

This is what my Maker says; that I am victor not victim, I will not be defeated by circumstances because I am more than a conqueror. He says that greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world so I am greater than any circumstance, failure or obstacle in this life. He tells me that I am created in His own image and likeness; I am just like the Almighty God who rules over everything and has all power and authority. He says that since I accepted Him as Lord over my life, I am a new creation; I may feel the same and probably look like the same old me but I totally am brand new! That simply means that anything I hear about me that isn’t according to what He says… is an absolute lie!!!

I choose to quit listening to lies from he who came to steal, kill and destroy. I may not feel great but I am not who I was…

I hope you decide to do the same; slam that door on your past because it has nothing new to tell you! Mute all those lying voices and tune to the Voice that speaks the truth about you. You may not be where you are supposed to be but you are definitely not where you used to be! 🙂

Wandering heart…

You stand by watching me daily

Run around after crumbs of affection

All the while you’re holding eternal supply

Of a love so deep that I cannot fathom

You watch me struggle with scattered pebbles

Too busy collecting them yet you hold the diamonds;

That stone of priceless treasure I seek for.

 

You see my heart pining after Peter and John

Yet all I need is the Man you are

I try too hard to get their attention

While all your attention is fixed on me

You weep as you see my cry in my bed

Because Peter and John wouldn’t look at me twice;

Tears keep me from seeing how you can’t take your eyes off me.

 

Too blinded by lust after mere mortal men

To see unconditional love by the Son of man

I’m walking around seeking arms to hold me

Not realising your arms are longing to embrace me

 

Why do I chase after men, thirsting for affection

While you chase after me with flowing rivers of love?

Dear future husband, I’m waiting for you. I’m praying for you. I can’t wait to meet you. – Love, Me.

Throwing His Love Around

Rebecca St. James, you nailed it right on the head. “I am waiting for, praying for you, darling. So wait for me too.” – I love that song.

I remember singing to this song all the time as a little girl. It was a popular song back then. I’ll never forget when my Mom and I were sitting in her car, singing along to the radio, to this song, she looks over at me so lovingly and says, “Someday you’re going to meet the man of your dreams. The man God has planned for you and you’re going to be so happy.” When you’re that young, you think, “Wow…Oh okay, awesome! I can’t wait until then!” But I really never understood what that meant.

I don’t know… fifteen years later, twenty two years old, been single forever, you start to think, “Hello? God? Have you forgotten me? Where’s the one you’ve promised me?” Cue to the…

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The Price to Pay

I know it’s been a while since I posted but the last several days have been too crazy to let me write. Never have I gone through such intense times where everything comes crashing on you all at once yet a time where you know God is the one behind it all and He is there holding you.

So you left me as the messed up girlfriend who was kinda confused;well now I’m the ex-girlfriend who is a little more assured. I can’t say I didn’t see this coming but I didn’t expect it this fast. Allow me to say that breaking up is real pain! Worst part is when you have to break the heart of a man who adores you like no one ever has and one who would never let you go unless you chose to walk away.

This is exactly what happens when you choose to do something without consulting God first and when you realise you took a wrong turn; you have to painfully turn back to where God wants you. It’s heartbreaking to see how my mistake is causing the man I said yes to, untold pain. I can’t even face him and this is the part I am grateful he is in another country because I feel horrible. You know that feeling you’d get if you had to stab the most adorable cute puppy that was in love with you; that is precisely how I feel. Oh the tears I cried when I had that conversation with him minutes before I was about to go MC a dinner we had been looking forward to for like four years! I still have to hold back tears whenever I think of it.

I had spent days tortured with thoughts of what to do now that God had confirmed that the relationship wasn’t something He approved. I should have expected this when I chose to date a man who wasn’t saved. You see when the Bible tells you not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers, trust me the earlier you obey, the better it will be for you. Most of us use the story of God telling Hosea to marry a prostitute as an excuse to justify dating or marrying a non-believer, but we forget that in that story, it is God who told Hosea to do so. Hosea didn’t find a non-believer, agree to date her then took her to God for approval like most of us do. So unless you have been praying about it seriously and God is leading you; don’t do it. We fail to realise that when you are both under the Lordship of Christ, no matter what flaws you have or conflict you will go through, at the end of the day, God always sorts His children because they are submitted to His leading and He continually transforms them as He shows them what real love is so that they can love each other.

Now I’m writing this in the middle of the night as usual because after seeing several wedding photos by my favourite photographer, I couldn’t stop thinking of him. I won’t lie, I miss spending time with him, listening to that sonorous voice, playing around, arguing over things just for fun, being spoilt by all the affection and attention plus all the moments fighting over whose music should play in his car. I miss feeling like I belonged to somebody and I still clearly remember how he took my breath away when he went down on his knees asking me to be his girlfriend. I know I’ll miss him enough times and it must be a thousand times worse for him but this is the price I pay for one wrong move. All I have left are painful tears and nostalgic memories…