Remorse

(Stumbled upon this piece written quite a while back)

Have you ever looked at someone and wondered what on earth you saw in them? Looks aside; I mean who they really are.

When their presence no longer elicits joy but they become more of an irritant. When the things that captivated you are no longer enough to mask the things you can’t stand. When staring at them brings to life all the regrets and disappointments.

When friends become acquaintances and lovers become strangers. When loud silence is all that exists in your encounters; encounters filled with enough awkwardness to resuscitate the Dead sea. When people who spent hours together suddenly can’t last minutes around each other.

Wounds keep getting deeper with each interaction. Bitterness grows. Contempt becomes the new norm. Arrows are shot frequently in defence and offence. Words thrown around carelessly. Bragging about new conquests is done often enough to make a point.

Time together leaves you with a bitter taste. Regrets always follow interactions. You can’t comprehend why you keep them in your life but for some reason are unable to cut them off completely.

Have you ever looked at someone and wondered?

Me At Your Expense

Have you ever found yourself playing second fiddle in a friendship, situationship or relationship? When the other person takes centre stage and everything is mostly about them?

So there was this situationship. The guy is used to being in the limelight and has a fair share of ego. He looks good, a go-getter who always gets what he chases, ambitious guy executing his dreams, social, used to plenty of attention from the ladies and basically has a nice life revolving around what he wants.

Enters me. The sanguine who is used to attracting attention wherever I go. Only daughter of my parents (well my brother is the only son but this is not about him, lol). Girl who used to top her classes and was well known in all the 7 schools I went to (not counting the 4 institutions of higher learning). You get the picture; I’m a little selfish and I like having the world revolve around me.

Now the problem is when two such people meet and both are stubborn, there’s bound to be problems.

I hadn’t noticed how I was taking the background until recently. It occurred to me that I knew so much about him and he knew little about me. I’d be the one supporting his ideas and being there for his projects yet he was never in mine. Conversations were mostly about him, his plans and issues. If we talked about me, it always had something linked to him. I knew his background and a lot to do with his ex; I doubt he can retell anything about mine.

One day, something in me just snapped. I found myself being there in the background in the name of supporting something he was doing. I reached out just to let him know only to realise I was ignored. It was obvious after adding 2 and 2 that I was probably being shoved aside not to interfere with his spotlight.

I was pissed off! Here I was trying to be a good friend only to be treated that way. Then I remembered how it’s never been different. I was to be a non-entity at the back. Not even a shadow because that can be seen. The stage was only his and God forbid anyone knew I was anywhere around it.

I found myself asking why I stay. Friendship is mutually beneficial and so should be any form of relationship (including situationships). My friends know how amazing I am even with my many flaws. They see my value even as I see theirs because I’m surrounded by such incredible people. We sharpen each other. Adjust each other’s crowns and show the world how proud we are of each other.

So again, why would I be in a place where I am not seen as anything? Where I am not worthy to even be shown to other friends. Where nothing I do is good enough unless it serves the other’s pleasure. Where I’m made to feel like I’ll never be good enough. Where I’m forced to second guess myself.

My guess is as good as yours: this is not a healthy space. I’ll leave you with this profound quote to ponder on:

“You must find the courage to leave the table, if respect is no longer being served. ” Know Your Worth- Tene Edwards