Blowing Winds and Changes

I am in a season that most people around me don’t get. Especially those who interacted with me in the past season where I was robust, cheerful, extremely social and basically a full-time sanguine.

It’s such a sharp contrast to the current me. Mostly locked up in the house, silent, melancholic, and withdrawn. I could easily use being unemployed as a scapegoat but I know that’s not it. My health issues are at the forefront yes, but I’m also brooding.

On the outside, it appears as though nothing is happening. Mentally, I feel this buzz that hasn’t produced something tangible but I can literally feel things cooking. Yes, brooding also like a hen. Looking like all it’s doing day in and day out is just lying there doing nothing. However, underneath she knows things will be hatching soon and the world will see what it was all about.

Mentally… this brain of mine is probably going to get me in trouble with a number of people. People who knew me in previous seasons and already have the picture of who I’m supposed to be. People who sadly hadn’t realised how defying the norm comes so naturally to me.

I’m always changing and always morphing into something new. Which can be baffling to most. But I got used to it and embraced it because it’s an innate and integral part of me. I already fully accepted the fact that I am a multipotentialite/scanner and I’ll always be hopping from season to different season.

Maybe that’s what makes it easier for me to retreat when a season ends. Most times it’s fuelled by the feeling that people in my previous season would not understand or support my following one. Sometimes it comes with the friction that occurs when they disagree with you about choices required for the season you’re stepping in. Other times it’s simply that they were there for a season and it came to an end.

Now back to my current moment. Let’s just say over time, I’d slowly been gaining the boldness to be unapologetic about who I am, where I’m at and what I believe in at the moment. It snowballed and became an unstoppable force. So right now, it’s becoming evident.

I’m no longer willing to sacrifice who I am to make people comfortable. I have come to embrace the discomfort that comes with refusing to fit into the mould society set. I am not afraid of staying with little or no money for a while as I try build up on the things I need to do. I’ve been broke enough times in the recent past that it doesn’t shake me no more. I have learnt to prioritise my wellness (physical, mental and emotional) and I don’t regret taking days just to recover. I have become very keen on taking care of my skin, hair and body generally just for myself and not because I want to look good for people.

This new season has come with so much freedom and peace! I feel pretty liberated and happy. My mind has room to fully bloom and be itself. I’m not afraid of what would happen or who I’d become if I allowed it to fully function and question things. I have stopped being afraid of the force I always felt within; the kind people said had potential to make me extremely wild. As if being wild is a bad thing! People have problems with people they label wild because they couldn’t tame them and they get offended because these wild souls refused to fit into expectations of what society set for humans.

I am not unaware of the eyebrows that will be raised, tongues that will wag, controversies that would arise or confusion that will grow. But hey, whenever did you see change occurring without plenty of realignment and opposition? 😉😊

The Emotionally Unavailable Man (Intro)

This is a post I’ve been meaning to do for about 5 years, ever since I discovered this and got screwed (not literally) by such a man.

I met this guy at a conference who was shrouded in this aura of mystery. Pretty laid back and looking like he was perfectly good all by himself. Then there was this appearance of slight arrogance. As fate would have it, we sat next to each other at a session where we were told to draw the person sitting next to you. And there began my journey with him.

He turned out to be such a beautiful soul, very real, caring enough and sort of a reformed bad boy. We’d talk every single damb day. He’d even ask mornings when I had an early class so that he’d wake me (I am not a morning person!).

Needless to say, we got pretty close. At some point I started feeling like it was my responsibility to be his emotional rock. He incorporated me in some start-ups he had and made me a director in an organisation they were growing. I’d even send him inspirational or devotional material for some days after plenty of research or writing just to find something suitable for the season he was in or day he has ahead!

Now this is the time I discovered what an emotionally unavailable man (EUM) was. Yes we’d talk daily but he always had excuses for not meeting me. We lived in the exact same small city but he’d never look for me! For the many months we knew each other, we only met once and I’m the one who went right across the city to where he was.

I got tired of being made to feel like I was his everything yet still not exactly wanted. When I started cutting down on communication or retreating, he’d look for me saying how much he’d missed me. His words perfectly expressed interest but his actions were the exact opposite. 2 months or so after I got tired, we found ourselves not talking completely.

That eventually died a natural death but I remember feeling quite confused and hurt. I tried to decipher things but couldn’t make sense of them. I knew he’d broken up with someone a year before so I assumed partially that was the reason.

But the saddest part is that I was convinced that I was the problem. Maybe I shouldn’t have pushed too hard for those meet ups. Maybe I wasn’t attractive enough. Maybe I did or said things that had him do all that.

Eventually, I discovered the concept of the EUM and even sent him this article explaining it. He actually said that the article described him quite well and admitted that he was one. Unfortunately, it’s not like it changed anything.

I wish I could tell you that I learnt my lesson. That I knew better than to fall for men who would simply be emotionally unavailable. The opposite instead occurred. I somehow kept attracting and being attracted to EUMs which led to being disappointed and hurt over and over again!

In the next post, I’ll break down information on EUMs so that you can tell if you’re one or dating/interested in someone like that.

Chronicles of Belonging: The commencement

I’ve got earphones on because there’s a song I want to infiltrate every part of my brain and auditory canal. The Bella Ciao song (original version) is what has been on replay for half an hour so far.

For the life of me, I can’t explain the sudden obsession with a song that was the anthem of the anti-fascist resistance in the 1940s.

But then again there’s a lot I honestly can’t explain. Like recently, when depression hit and all I wanted to listen to over and over was the sound of dominoes falling in the Collateral Beauty movie.

Yes I’m weird and different most times and confusing. It’s something I used to think made me struggle with fitting in. It’s hard to fit someone who’s an extrovert yet quite introverted. A person who is a perfectionist but with sanguine tendencies that cause crazy messes. Somebody who last evening blasted loud christian hip-hop which switched to Nancy Sinatra accompanied by very old music and that ended with Yemi Alade, Fena Gitu and plenty of interesting African artistes.

Belonging and fitting in was a struggle most of my life until I finally accepted that I’d probably never truly belong.

And I’m glad I came to make peace with that because I’m currently reading Braving The Wilderness by Dr. Brené Brown and it’s all the validation I needed.

I’ll definitely be back to talk a lot more about belonging. Mostly because I know numerous people who have battled with this and thought it a negative thing. Then there’s each of us and the smaller battles we face in our human interactions.

In the meantime, here’s Bella Ciao for you 😉

Surface Deep

There’s nothing as bad as drowning when you’re so close to the surface. Nobody notices it, not even yourself.

You might probably feel the all too familiar sinking feeling now and then, but it won’t be anything drastic enough to get your attention. You’ll barely feel it.

Life goes on almost as usual. You are seen by those around you. You keep doing the things you normally do. But there’ll be something weighing you down. Almost as if you’re moving with shackles; yes you still move but you’ll be dragging through.

Then you’ll slowly sink deeper and deeper. People can still tell your presence but they’ll feel your withdrawal. Friends will no longer be talked to as often. In fact, communication easily goes to zero. Small talk will keep you busy. Funny things will get you distracted and have you laughing. Nothing changes on social media.

But slow death sucks, just like slow sinking; the end is inevitable.

It’s much easier to drown instantly because every fibre of your being will be aware. People will instantly notice the immediate change. Danger is easily sensed and either you or the people around you, will do whatever it takes. Even if they don’t, you’ll hit rock bottom sooner and that will catapult you back to the top.

But the reality is that, you never really choose. You simply deal with whatever’s thrown your way. All you know is that no matter what happens, this is just a cycle. One day you’ll be sinking but will resurface on another.