To The Person I Wounded During Healing

Been doing some reflection on my healing journey (I had dedicated this entire year to healing of my body, emotions, mind (soul in general) and my spirit).

And healing is very messy; it brings out the worst from within because that’s what is getting addressed. Which means the worst in us is also projected outwards. Sadly, that easily flows over to others who are caught in what feels like a war path.

This got me thinking of how that played out in my life. Oh it sure has been messy! But those who’ve known me understood and watched the metamorphosis. For them I probably became better or grew into a version of me they’d appreciate.

But along came you, and unfortunately you landed right in the middle of my sorting things. Which meant you didn’t have the privilege of knowing what was going on. Enough times I’d feel like you truly didn’t know me and there were things you’d say or do that would leave me shocked at how you’d think of me that way. But soon enough I realised it was simply because you hadn’t met me fully; and it was okay because we hadn’t known each other previously.

So you had your perceptions and I had my perceptions of who I thought you were. But we were just two people going through personal journeys that made it harder for us to understand each other. You were going through your transitions and, I mine.

Along the way, we probably wounded and frustrated each other. Well, this is me apologising for times when I judged you wrongly, misunderstood you, projected my insecurities, wounded you with my words/actions and, failed to be there when you needed it because I was too busy sorting my shit.

This is me taking stock of my healing and realising that there were other casualties that I really need to address.

Old Wounds Tugging

Don’t be fooled, all the lies told to you left wounds deeper than you suspect. You might not discover it until something happens that acts as a trigger.

I heard him on a phone call. It was more professional than anything but she seemed to know him pretty well. He sounded like he knew she knows him that well. Maybe it was all the laughter. Maybe it was how he took her through a project he was on. Something he’s been working on but somehow never shared with me. Or even asked my opinion despite me previously having offered to help. Despite my making it clear how good I am at that. Despite all the times he’s praised my brilliant mind.

Well, I know I have no right to expect anything of the sort. His work is his, mine is mine. I have no right to raise eyebrows when he has someone who knows him like that. Of course we barely know each other. Let’s be realistic, it’s been too short a period.

But that didn’t stop me from suddenly having all kinds of doubt. It didn’t keep away that all too familiar feeling that once again, lies are involved. No, it didn’t even help that I easily identified it as old wounds at play.

I still began to question everything. What if he turned out to be like the others? What if the honesty and genuine personality was just a façade? What if I’d decided to trust when it wasn’t in my best interest? What if it was the reason I hadn’t shared exactly what was going on with my accountability person? She’s always been right whenever she expressed her doubts. I knew this time, she’d most likely flip!

But there’s something else I also have to grapple with: what if this is just the wounded girl trying to protect herself like she always does? What if my close friends were right in pointing out that I honestly don’t know how to be loved properly? Which is true. Anytime I felt someone getting too close and genuinely showing affection, my initial reaction is to run. To flee as fast as I can while pushing them away.

So this has nothing to do with him or with anyone else who’s tried. I’ve been reassured over and over. I have every reason to trust. But these old wounds simply won’t stop interfering.

Forced Wellness

There’s a tendency we’ve picked up that I’m afraid is becoming increasingly unhealthy. It’s seemingly a good thing and comes from a good place but it makes us cope unhealthily.

When someone is in a bad place for a while or has been stuck in a toxic space or has things going south or lost someone or basically had something(s) go wrong, or is dealing with loss.

We put up with their sadness, foul mood, honest talks on how things aren’t good, depressed state, hopelessness, complaints and need for help, just long enough.

Then we get to a point when we think it’s become too much. So we tell them to stop wallowing in their sorrow. Tell them they have to dust themselves and move on. Insist that they get themselves together. Get tired of hearing their sad tales or tales of how bad or hopeless things are. Make them wipe their tears and remind them that they can’t mourn forever. Or simply tell them how they have to get up and do something more productive.

Like I said, this comes from a good place.

However, what it does to people is make them see that their troubles, pain, current circumstances, sickness, etc, are a nuisance to people around them and themselves.

So they stop talking about what’s really going on because they don’t want to be a nuisance, burden or the negative energy around you. They begin to keep things to themselves. In addition, they feel like they need to be strong. Which means they’ll suppress whatever they’re feeling.

We’ll then be happy because we feel they stopped weighing us down with their issues and we’ll assume that they rose above whatever it was and became stronger people.

Unfortunately, all that happened is that they stopped coping in a healthier manner. Sadly, this always catches up at some point in future and people either have a major breakdown, do something(s) that appears completely irrational or out of character, become hardened people who have trouble connecting emotionally with others, or they end up being people who wound others badly.

Slapping a bandage on a wound doesn’t heal it. Hiding decomposing matter behind locked doors may keep it out of sight but the stench will eventually catch up and reveal the truth.

Reality is that we are human and sometimes bad days become your normal. You don’t have to act like all’s okay to avoid offending people or feeling like a burden.

We all process things differently and at different paces. Eventually, you’ll get to a place where you’re stronger and able to change things

Rejection

It is almost impossible not to think about this word because my world right now is flooded by reminders. Rejection. One word, innumerable effects.

My devotion this morning had me reflecting on things that wounded me emotionally. This drew up quite a number of memories. Last night, the same thing happened and I found myself asking God to have any of the bits of my heart that were still hurt. From friendships that ended and left with chunks of my heart to guys who whether dating or not, left with bits of my soul. From disappointments and anticipointments, to moments that were beautifully high but left me broken the minute things crumbled.

The other trigger was a TED talk I watched on 100 days of rejection that encouraged those of us who’ve felt the sting of rejection enough to make us hide in our cocoon, to expose ourselves to that very feeling. The point wasn’t to get you wounded further or get you hooked to pain. The activity is premised on the fact that the more you expose yourself to rejection, the less it hurts and eventually, you become immune to it. I won’t lie, this sounded exciting; I mean, who wouldn’t want to be immune to rejection? I considered trying it for 30 days and each day I would go request something that I knew would be outrightly rejected (maybe asking for a raise from my boss should have been my starting point, Lol).

When I thought about it, I agreed with several of the things stated on that talk. Most of us fear rejection because of our perceived reaction by the person bound to reject us. We come up with all sorts of reasons why we were rejected: I wasn’t good enough, she’d never accept a guy like me, I am not his type, I am not good enough for this position, they don’t usually consider people like me, it’s because of my background… and on and on we’ll go. However, we’ll never know unless we ask. The guy giving the talk one day knocked on a random door and asked to go plant a flower in the person’s backyard. Of course his offer was rejected and he had all sorts of ideas as to why plus had begun beating himself up for this. Then he decided to ask the person why he refused his offer and turns out he had a dog that uproots things in the backyard so he didn’t want to waste the guy’s flower but he referred him to a lady who loved flowers. Not surprising, the lady was ecstatic about his offer and accepted.

This morning, one of the first things that met me on Facebook was an article shared explaining how guys break the hearts of girls even when they were not dating. This I easily relate with! From my own experiences and those of my friends; in fact if I had a dime for each time this occurred, I’d be a pretty rich woman right now! All the friendships where the guy was sweet, always listening, always there for you, crosses oceans for you, is your go-to guy for everything, always telling you how beautiful you are, willingly stating how much you are missed every so often and practically acting like a boyfriend without the title. Then you fall for him only to realise it wasn’t mutual or discover he started dating some other girl. Rejection stares at you with its big ugly eyes again.

It’s never a funny thing to hope and miss; to put your best effort and be met with a no; to invest so much only for things to fail; to try even against all hope and still be disappointment. It kills something inside of you each time and you either end up shut tightly away from anything threatening or masking your wounds and constantly portraying a picture perfect you. None of that helps and eventually you’ll see that healing is necessary.

Healing starts with exposing your wounds bit by bit, by choosing to step out and try again even when you’re scared. Most of all the ultimate remedy lies with the Maker of our hearts. He knows exactly how that wound came, what shape it took and how to heal it effectively. He breathes onto those wounds, pours out His liquid love to wash them and holds us gently until we’re well.