Love Despite

I recently watched the Set it Up movie and honestly, the only thing I remember is that line: you like because, you love despite.

I’m not sure I ever told you this, but I had probably stalked your profile before you slid into my DM. So my first impression of you was based on what you’ve posted. I figured you were some serious, ambitious guy, proud of his culture and who was probably a big deal somewhere. You know; the kind women flock around, Lol. And then that day you decided to reach out. I was surprised. Probably thought you were too busy and too important to have noticed me. The rest, as they say, is history.

But here’s what was different: I never started with the whole blind infatuation. It wasn’t a Hollywood romantic story where I was so carried away and thought everything was magical.

There was this whole showing up imperfect; as though there was no pressure to pretend to be perfect. I wasn’t trying to. In fact, I was too busy putting all my imperfections on display and laying bare my controversial thoughts. I thought you probably had this pretty image of who I was and I didn’t want you hung up over whatever delusions.

And interestingly, I was also busy trying to focus on all the reasons why not. So I saw you, analysed you, and came up with all the reasons why I shouldn’t entertain the thought of us. For the life of me, I couldn’t understand why you still wanted me after all that.

The one thing that stood out was that we were simply two very real humans. This was real. The usual unnecessary pressure people normally have when trying to start something, didn’t exist. We were comfortable being our imperfect selves around each other.

You see, with every crush, situationship or relationship, I’m usually quite caught up with all the things I like about the person. But I remember someone telling me at some point that when it comes to a life partner, the yardstick is different. You don’t go with all the things you like about someone. You clearly and soberly analyse all the things that you don’t like and ask yourself if you can still do life with the person in spite of all that.

So yes, I was very clear headed and sober when getting into this. I wrestled all my demons and the reasons why not, and finally settled.

Once again, I’m not sure why I’m writing this to you. I most likely have said this to you before. Maybe I just want to emphasize it.

All in all, thank you for giving me a practical lesson on how you like because and love despite.

Brush Strokes of Reality

I am a dreamer, that I am. It is my gift, it sure is my undoing as well. I build things where none exist. I paint pictures that eyes don’t see. I find beauty where it can’t be spotted. I add glamour to the most ordinary things. Sounds enviable, right? Not really.

See my problem is that all this sips into my perception of people. I view potential; not reality. It’s a good thing you’d argue, well so would I. I get a sneak preview of their lives and proceed to create a whole movie directed by yours truly. I already piece up their character and decide on who they are. The ones who relish the benefits of this are the ones whose lives I romanticised.

I get excited about the picture I painted and enjoy interacting with them based on my own notions. I interpret their words and actions through the lenses I’d selected. This I hadn’t realised its magnitude up till yesterevening when I (against all common sense), called my ex.

I don’t know what I expected. Perhaps curt conversations or an unanswered call. The exact opposite met me. Cheery tones, questions on where I’d been and queries on whether my visa expired since the only reason I ignored his last text should have been because I was out of the country for long. Plenty of catch up, jokes here and there plus having to explain why I was refusing to go pick his car from wherever he left it because I was taking risks with the motorbike rides I do (I love those ones too much to quit).

The car issue lingered on my mind long after the phone call. Not because of the excitement of enjoying the convenience, but because of how I’d interpreted that offer. It’s not the first time he’s said that. First one was while we were dating and he was out at war arguing with me over my love for night walks or meetings that had me out after darkness set in. I still refused. But it had me feeling very cared for and protected.

Then a different thought struck me. What if it wasn’t care and concern but a bait guys throw to get girls hooked? Cognitive dissonance. Hmm, he can’t be like that, can he? I knew a different person. But wait again, we never made it past the honeymoon stage of relationships. We broke up before the period for masks falling arrived. How sure was I that everything hadn’t been staged managed perfectly? Cognitive dissonance again. Fantasy crumbles.

I suddenly got on this train of thoughts that led me right to the root issue: I get clouded by potential while seeing people. I began reflecting on my interaction with various people and saw how I’d clothed them with strokes from my brush as I painted the picture of who I thought they were, vis-a-vis who they really are.

Reality sucks I must say. But reality becomes the necessary foundation before we can build anything. Friendships strain under crazy expectations. Relationships disintegrate slowly as lenses fantasy lenses weaken and the picture gets clearer. So here’s to throwing away all the brushes, lenses and movie scripts. Director no more.