We easily spend a good chunk of our lives trying to work on ourselves. the general goal is to get rid of our unpleasant traits and strengthen our nicer ones. Society frowns against against anyone who seemingly makes peace with their vices, and god forbid they actually flaunt them! We are supposed to constantly thrive to be better humans.
And you know what, it is a good model. It ensures that society functions properly as everybody sticks to constantly focusing on improving themselves. It is a noble thing and of course it makes us feel better about ourselves. There’s also the perk that comes with it: it’s the perfect scapegoat. When somebody confronts us about a wrong we conducted, we quickly hide under the veil of: it is a weakness that I am working on. Then all we need to add to that is a remorseful appearance.
So I have been on the same path. Yes generally, throughout my life, if a person pointed out an action I had done that had unwelcome effects or words that weren’t pleasant, I would work on rectifying it. However, the past 5 years, I have been actively and deliberately been working at making myself a less shitty person.
I came to discover that what I was doing was shadow work and a lot of healing my inner child. I won’t lie, it has been a hard journey with more tears in those 5 years, than I have cried in the entire 25 others. But I was committed to it. I have been a serious advocate of healing and I believe that we have to be deliberate about that. An added benefit to that, is that we become better versions of ourselves (or rather that’s what I hope).
You can imagine how shattered I was, when in a span of 2-3 weeks, I have had different incidents with two different friends, which left me feeling like absolute crap. No, this has nothing to do with them; they are both amazing people! But I was the one left doubting if all my time spent healing had done any good. How was I still able to hurt one that much, and be seen as something I didn’t think I was, by another.
So I went through the motions. Beat myself up seriously and embarked on working to quickly correct the things that had placed me in those positions. And I put in quite a lot of effort!
But life has an interesting way of dealing with us. Today, I found myself in the same place. And it absolutely broke me. I was in the kind of pain that I didn’t think my heart would survive. Nonetheless, something happened in that space. I told myself that I had given my pain adequate time to release itself, and when it was done, so was I. I would get out of bed and that was the last time I’d engage pain.
After that, I had such rage. I was angry at the Universe, angry at all higher powers and mad at myself. I had given way too many years to this and yet here I still was feeling like crap and like everything I had been doing was for nothing.
And later in the day, I decided that I was done. Whoever I am right now, gets to stay. If I am a shitty human then I have no business having people around me. If they stayed, then I am done trying so hard to constantly improve my interactions. This is who I am and whoever can handle it, will stay, if they can’t, then I’m at peace with that.
It reminded me of something Tara Brach teaches frequently on. Something about making peace with your demons. No running, no trying to convert them or fighting them, Simply surrendering to them and let them do their worst. And thankfully, in her lessons, the demons usually leave.
this time round, I don’t even care about the demons eventually leaving or me learning lessons with them. I have given them space to just be. Well there’s a reason we were created with the “flaws” or “weaknesses” we have.
And why do we even have to put negative titles around them? Who says it’s a bad thing to embrace your shadow? Shadows wouldn’t exist if there wasn’t light somewhere. Which means the two go together. There’s a reason they are both there.
I am done trying to chase away my shadows.